So I just wanna give a brief story as to why I think I'm a psychopath/sociopath and I just want to hear you guys feedback to see if you agree. so im 20 right now a junior at a great university. first off, i feel like it runs in my dads side of the family, my dad is generally a calm mannered yet charming guy. i feel like he attracts many woman, including my mom lol hes a strong build just like me. his dad (my grandfather) from the stories ive heard, he was a psychopath to, he used to beat my grandma, drink all day, and im pretty sure he died by getting in a fight or something. my dads cousins were the same way, some have died from gang relations and others are repeat offenders. Well from a young age of about 5 I knew I was different from most children, my first incident was in kindergarten I was about 5 years old and I was playing legos with this kid in my class and I can't even remember entirely what happened but he made me angry so I punched him in the face.
its like i never feel that something is right or wrong, but i do know that if i get caught doing something that the repercussions will be negative. This is as far as I know to be my first act of violence. i dont know if this classifies as child abuse but as a kid i was beat usually with a belt many times, to the point that i still have scars on my body from it, i usually got beat because i was always doing something bad, lying, stealing etc. I spent most of my time at home playing videogames and being alone all the way up until my senior year of high school.I had no true personality.
i felt like an empty void when i was alone, hollow, not really caring about most things normal people do. But at school I was someone totally different, I was the popular kid, I was well liked, girls admired me, I got good grades,people often mentioned my "charisma" and good sense of humor" but really all ever did was copy what other cool people did, and its not even like I enjoyed it, I just like being the center of attention.its like when i go out in public im wearing a mask, being polite like my father taught me to be. once i came within an inch of mylife because i was hit by a drunk driver on the highway. i flipped about four times.my entire family was in the car and they were freaking out. but me i felt fine, calm, i felt nothing, i just climbed out the hummer like everything was ok. but
on top of all that, I was a football player, but what was unique about football was I loved, I mean absolutely in love with hitting people, I was truely in love with the aggressiveness of football, i played linebacker( go figure).I enjoyed hurting kids on other teams, all this going on in my life and I was feeling great. once i got in a fight with another teammate in the locker room, he had no chance, i was beating him down and i couldnt stop, i was loving it.
honestly if someone wasn't there i probably would have killed him, or atleast sent him to the hospital. but in reality every story, every lie, everything about me was fake, but everyone loved me, for no reason, and I didn't feel bad about it all. i once told a girl i had cancer but it was a "secret" just so i could hook up with her in high school. Also affection, was hard for me, I had girlfriends, but all I wanted from them was sex, I didn't care about them and most I hurt pretty bad. I really only chased girls because it seems like the "normal" thing to do.even hugs from my own mom, I never understand it.
and when people hug me I just feel uncomfortable. basically I fake and take the best possible route in all human interaction. Another thing when I was little I used to kill lizards, by slamming them on the ground or by drowning them in my pool. I've purposely ran over an armadillo just because I couldn't help myself, it just felt
"right", after I did it, I felt weird but great, I felt power, the same power I felt when I played football, or when I killed those lizards, even when my dog was a puppy I used to hold him off my balcony at home when I was 15, I would just watch him cry, but I probably only did it like 4 times for a total of 20 seconds each time,it was just so interesting. this whole time it never occurred to me that this was wrong, i never felt guilty about these things and honestly i still dont. when i look back at it all i wanted was to feel the power, i just wanted to feel something begging me to live or stop causing it pain, that feeling of control is just amazing to me, and now that I'm college focusing on school, not really the "big shot" I used to be, I feel empty inside, I wouldn't call it depression, it just feels like a piece of me is missing and just don't know who I am, I kinda retreated away from girls at the moment, because I just can't connect at that level, I got tired of faking my emotions towards a girl, and telling myself I like them when I know that I really dont.
plus i only chase girls because my friends would think it was weird if i wasnt talking to girls. its like i have this cover up, this other me that wears a mask.dont get me wrong I care about people such as family and close friends but people I just meet for the first time? is totally fake, I act like I'm nice and really care,but i just dont. other things such as laughing during kill scenes in horror movies,not feeling anything in sad movies,never really feeling bad for anyone but acting like i do. for example one of my roommates was drunk once and he was trying to have a deep convo with me. of course im just faking my emotions.
but he said "yeah my father wasnt in my life....blah blah blah" and the whole time im trying to connect with him and understand how that makes him feel but i just couldnt. one thing i feel like helps my psychopath behavior is marijuana. when i smoke, my brain slows down and for just a little bit i dont feel like an empty box wearing a mask. and at that point i started to notice the type of person i was and i came a across the word psychopath about 6 months ago
i feel like i fit all the symptoms.its now that i look back on my life and realize what i was going through. its whatever it doesnt really bother me that much. but what do you guys think? any feedback would be greatly appreciated also this is just a few examples of my life. there's other examples of my psychopah tendencies that i dont feel like mentioning