I wanted it when I thought you were getting worked up. I appreciate genuine aggression. Even if it comes from an arrogant bitch, like you.
~
Yes I always felt this to be the case (the on/off switch) for me. And probably also for everyone else; the most empathetic person can turn it off if need be (e.g. self-defense killing).
I’m pretty sure the switch applies to most ‘psychopaths/sociopaths’, but I’m less sure about the extreme end of psychopathy spectrum (like illuminati or maybe ~0.1% of population). In these cases though I think the issue becomes more philosophical and less physiological/psychological. The easiest thing for one to empathize with may be one’s children, since they are so close genetically and under control, may be viewed as an extension of yourself. However whether you care about their fate depends on your view of humanity; do you like where it’s going, is it hopeful/hopeless, is there afterlife, etc. If humanity’s fate looks gloomy or inconsequential, then you see the ‘on' switch as useless and your kids might as well be playtoys. However if you have hope for your species’ future, then it makes sense to turn empathy on sometimes.
With instinct or practice, the switch becomes totally voluntary in any situation and instantaneous. Like one moment I’d be wailing over a My Little Pony episode, the next I get off imagining a filly's face as I wrap her entrails around me.
My opposite. I was born without it and have trained it best I could. That means I could not deliberately do something bad for the heck of it. But also if I see someone getting hurt I don't have any sympathy I don't feel for them. Not even if they are close to me. In most cases I want things to end well so it won't be a mess and a hassle.
It's all very strange to me. I have been having an internal battle for the last handful of months.
I came to the conclusion sometime after my chemo treatments that I was not in fact, a psychopath. I knew something was off, or wrong, and I knew my sadistic side had not particularly subsided, but I didn't feel so forced with interactions. I was pretty sure I could actually feel empathy. I took active steps to put myself in other's shoes, and not just to understand their reasoning, but their feeling, because as one learns all too often, reason is often trumped by feeling, logic be damned.
The struggle for me though has been my sadism and occasional bouts of rage. I know the rage comes from a momentary feeling of helplessness, compounded by anger, and it has gotten me into quite a bit of trouble this year. The sadism though... that is what has been bothering me. I've been hurting people that I call friend and family, people I'm fond of, and while doing so, quite deliberately, not feeling bad. Not even feeling like I need to rationalize it.
One such person soiled and pissed herself when she thought I was about to kill her. The sad thing was, I wanted to. In that moment, we locked eyes, and I could see that she had a brief moment of clarity, that this wasn't just a game gone rough. The panic, followed by the shock of it all rattled her. I didn't even apologize. We both sort of acted like it didn't happen, and still haven't since then. I was mad at myself because at the time, I wasn't in control. It wasn't until she vacated her bowels that I snapped out of it and let her breathe. That fucking awful smell of god knows what she ate probably saved her life, and I guess in a way, mine. I doubt I would have gotten away with it.
But that was the thing, and still is. If I put myself in her shoes, and run through the scenario, like it's happening to me, it feels awful, and scary, but when I think about it from my point of view, I only have a vague nagging disappointment that I almost killed someone, just because I felt like it. Not bloodlust. Not anger. It was just... I wanted to do it, and when she didn't put up much of a fight, I went for it, and when she started to fight, I didn't want to stop.
Simple as that.