Page 5. It may never have been deleted; I didn't have the patience to peruse the spam. I thought his post was removed. I know a bunch were.
Okay. I finally have some time to catch up.
First off, I said I suffocated her. I didn't say how. It was not
strangulation or choking. That's why she didn't much panic when I
started.
Second off, I had no intention of killing her when I started. There was definitely no premeditation. We're
friends.
Third off, I don't need to hurt someone to get off. That being said, sometimes
physical violence can be arousing, depending on the context of the
situation. I tend to shy away from it in the bedroom, for reasons stated
earlier in the topic.
Fourth off, if this were a chronic problem of mine, I would be behind
bars/institutionalized. I'm usually pretty good about staying in
control. I guess everyone has their limits, though.
Now that I've cleared things up, back on topic. It took me realizing what I was doing to her to snap out of it. If you've killed things before, especially via suffocation, vacating the bowels is a fairly common reaction, among other things, depending on the method you're using. Who knows what would have had if she had simply gone to the bathroom ten minutes earlier. It wasn't my desire or intention before that moment to murder her. Even when I was doing it, I wasn't thinking, "I want you to die!" It was more like, "You should be fighting for your life." I'm paraphrasing a complex set of trance-like emotions and thoughts, though. That's not actually what was going on upstairs, just the gist of it.
You already know I've sought therapy, multiple times. I'm doing what I can.