...It has been of interest to see how impulse, especially of a sexual nature (sex itself or the intense sexually charged feeling of some other act), is such a large factor dividing the homicidal from the simple asshole. I never have urges of that kind of intensity, or else my resistance is sufficient to such a degree. Anger has had me come close, but I wouldn't kill. I know and made note under sufficient rage that I have had all my inhibitions of my civilized self rather easily set aside. I can somewhat imagine how serial killers of a sort are able to do what they do. The difference is in the nature of the triggers, I guess.
I didn't mean for this to be about anger management, but may have relevant contextual importance. I know I have a pretty bad temper, though I am not a raging monster. Pretty normal all the time. What most consider anger is just annoyance to me. I know I should consider it something to work on, but a part of me doesn't want to. It feels like a concealed weapon I can have on me if I ever want to. I don't treat it like a problem.
I get the same way. It probably is a problem with the speed of gratification. I wish I had the tenacity. My agitation often is the impetus for doing something. I guess I hate the thought of the SAME things, so maybe some strategic chaos is good. Challenges often slide off me, since I am prone to over rationalizing the useless and pointless aspects to everything. A paradox. The thrill is in chaos and disorder, but therein lay the basis for the angst and needless stress. I have driven myself to face thoughts and fears and unknowns so that I have been able to conquer them in my life so far, but I guess I need to make new horizons...