I've realized I've never done one selfless thing in my life. If I've ever done something good, it was because I expected something good in return. I have a problem with vanity. I have an extreme fear of aging and death because of this.
Thing is, I am under the impression that sociopaths tend to be very intelligent people, and I have to admit, I am not so intelligent. I have little to no attention span. Poor memory. And while my decisions are very well calculated, the calculations are slow, and often do not work out in my favor. I do WISH I could be a good person, I'm just... lazy. And I cannot stick up for myself, no backbone. That's why I think I may be more of a narcissist, rather than sociopath?
I sense another individual here, greetings. I don't think 'every' socio has to be superficialy inteligent in first place. Would you elaborate the part where you said you'd like to be 'good' but are too lazy to become good? The two don't make much sense to me.
Speaking of myself (not diagnosed) and my no-goodness-allowed-side, I've been accused of being selfish and what not, I do realize I'm being selfish and what not, I know it would be right to do that and not that, and what not. I just don't gain anything in return for being good, simply said, and what not, not to mention I'd have to just do crap for no reason (see my point). My conscience for being selfish doesn't exactly bother me, I just kinda don't like or don't enjoy helping someone if I don't get something in return.
I also do realise that being good to someone may 'profit' over longer time, be good with family or friends, do good deeds and earn yourself something, if even only their relationship with you, I don't basicaly care for what will be, I only see what is.
Perhaps you could read and search the internet for more clues as to what you may be. From what you're saying, I personaly can't see any traits of being labeled a socio/narcist. Common people can act selfishly aswell, you seem like you care about yourself being selfish and that you would like to change that, which is yet another reason why you may be very well just 'normal'.
if you came here to find solice and a place to fit in, you came to the wrong place. socipaths and psychopaths for the most part only value strength, they attack your will and if you have a weak one that will sense it and attempt to crush it. that is the nature of dominance, a game of wills, the stronger is alpha... it isn't a game of wits but of wills...