I'm sorry this is long but I'm so emotionally hurt now and am looking for some answers…..
I met this professional woman online in February 2013 and during the first month I didn’t ask her to be in a relationship with me. She liked me as well during that time but she didn’t pursue me either. We spent some weekends together but never actually became an exclusive couple. We eventually went our separate ways and dated others. In April 2013 I came back into her life and we started going out. Unfortunately she had been seeing a guy for two months but she said she loved me and wanted to be with me. Eventually, she told me she broke up with this other guy because she wanted to see other people. However, according to her she did not tell him specifically the reason for the breakup was me. She had always said that she had never left one man for another man and she didn’t want to start now. In actuality she never stopped seeing this other guy…she just continued to see me as well. The “break up†with him occurred right after her and I came back from a 5 day trip together.
Over the next three months she and I traveled extensively taking trips out of state, hotels, bed and breakfasts, Eastern Shore, DC on the 4th of July, Atlantic City...etc and having the BEST times every time. However, she still saw the other guy occasionally which was always in my mind. I always asked when she was going to see him again and she was mostly honest with me about still seeing him which I hated knowing but I accepted. During these months, she spent more time with me than him for but it still bothered me that she wouldn’t commit to me. She always lied to him when she was with me…..and as hurtful as it is to admit…she would always post our trips on her Facebook page but I was never tagged or even shown in photos. Her photos consisted of things such as the hotel we were at, sunsets, the restaurants we went to…shows we attended...a landmark…the food/wineglasses at our table...…etc…but never once was I shown on FB with her. I have many photos of us together on these vacations but out of respect I didn’t post them on FB either. I let her control the situation. She said she was just trying to spare his feelings and I accepted it because I was hoping that I would eventually be with her forever. That was probably one of the most hurtful aspects of this relationship. Knowing I was being hidden away like she was cheating on a husband or boyfriend. She said she was very confused and often questioned why I didn’t grab her back in February when I had the chance. I honestly don’t know why and have told her that countless times but that really always seemed to bother her.
Anyway, since coming back into her life in April I treated this girl like a princess. Trust me on this and she knows it too. I began loving this woman everyday more and more and treated her as such. She told me every day she loved me. She bombarded me with words that made me feel awesome. She said she loved this other guy too but her love for me was different - with me she had such passion. She was IN love with me versus just loving the other guy. She built me up. She said if the other guy left or dated someone else it wouldn’t be a huge deal…but if I were to leave or date someone else it would destroy her. She made me feel so special…and she was so much fun…and I found her to the most beautiful woman in the world. Not a woman alive could make me feel as special as she did. There’s no question I would be there for her forever. However, there were red flags. I was not introduced to all of her friends and lots of times she went out alone without me even though I asked to come with her. I was flat out denied. She would also change plans with me at the last minute – even once when I was on the way to pick her up - deciding that she was going to her Mom’s house or somewhere else…and I was normally never invited. She left me dangling a lot and I always was unsure where I stood. Not a good feeling.
As for this other guy, when she did go out on a date with him she would post it on Facebook and also tag him which made me feel awful to know she would do that with him but not me. She claimed it was because people assumed they were still dating. She would also disappear for days and not respond to texts or VMs I left...and then once in a while I'd get a response that says "I love you more than you know". That's it. Then I'd be ignored again while she's out having a good time and showing it on Facebook. This was extremely hurtful as well. She always managed to call me days later like everything was okay and always had some kind of excuse. This went on for months…it took its toll on me…I lost close to 40 lbs in less than 3 months from the stress.
So…a little over a month ago I take her out to eat…we have drinks…we're having a great time. We go back to her place and it’s around midnight…still having a great time. We’re having some wine, eating some food…in bed…barely dressed…it’s literally the best time of my life to be honest…and then there’s a bang on the door and it’s him. He yelled inside that he knew I was there (my car was out front). I knew she wouldn’t just allow him to stand outside and bang on the door so I opened the door…and to make a long story short…she asked ME to leave and he stayed. He literally just took my place in bed in a matter of seconds. I didn't see or speak to her for weeks after. I’m disgusted. I’m completely heartsick. I am so heartbroken, completely devastated, totally numb and in a fog. I loved this girl so much.
She immediately unfriended me on all social media sites immediately after that. There really was no closure and definitely no apology. We've spoken since and she says that she unfriended me on all social media sites because she doesn't want to hurt me anymore by me seeing pictures of him and her together and it’s too soon and too “raw†for all of us. She also blamed me for opening the door that evening because she wanted to convince him nothing was going on that evening but she was barely dressed so that didn't fly...plus he and I had some words and I said something to him as I was being kicked out like I was with her on certain occasions that he hadn't known about. Anyway, she said she couldn’t forgive me for doing that either. I’ve tried talking to her about everything that occurred and why but she really isn’t fazed much. Even on the phone I’m pleading my heart out to her and I can hear her typing in the background…or she’ll interrupt and say can I call you right back? And then not even call.
Based on her upbringing (she and her siblings spent time in foster care, her dad left them, her mother had a nervous breakdown) she has admitted to me that she has detachment issues with her emotions. Instead of dealing with issues head on, she has always dealt with negative emotions by hiding them away in her head, putting on a happy face. Basically she doesn’t really feel the emotional pain that most people feel because as a child that was how she was able to cope with some of the painful things that happened to her growing up. When I told her how devastated I was and told her that she had “No idea†of the pain that she has caused me…she replied (sincerely) that she wished she knew how I felt. She strikes me as the type of person that could stab you with a knife and then go out for drinks after.
I’ve read about transitional victims of sociopaths. I kind of figured maybe I was the transitional victim - the one that they use in between long term victims. The targets who they don’t really put much effort into. Just try to destroy their victims for fun and then discard them. She told me multiple times every day that she loved me but she never actually demonstrated her love to me. Aside from a few dinners at the beginning of our “relationshipâ€, she never spent a dime on me.
She is a charmer though. Her friends LOVE her. She’s fun, charming, witty, smart, and beautiful and loves to go out drinking with them. There’s not a day that goes by where she’s not invited somewhere to do things with her friends. She has a lot of guy friend as well as girlfriends (and on FB) and they all love her and enjoy being around her. She doesn’t have appear to have an enemy in the world. She still professes her love for me but she says she's with him now and is trying to do the right thing so she won't see me. I don't know what to make of this. It sounds abnormal. She really destroyed me and doesn't really seem to care much.
She's has since told me to date other women and when I did go out on a date just this week...she got jealous and wanted to know the girl's name and asked if I could send her a photo of my date - which I didn't. I also handed her a hard copy of what I wrote here (without the web address) and she printed it out and put it in her wallet and said it will stay there forever. She said it makes her feel closer to me. Sounds more like she's proud of her accomplishments and is keeping this as a trophy.
I tried NC with her and that lasted a whopping 2 weeks. When I have spoken with her she seems happy to hear from me – she’s never rude – very soft spoken…but says she is with this guy now and can’t see me…so I guess I’ve been completely discarded. Is this just a matter of a confused girl breaking up with me and now trying to do the right thing by just dating a guy she wants to be with or something else? Should I reach out to her ex to see why they broke up?? (She said he cheated on her)
I'm sorry if I'm all over the place I used to be this healthy person but now I’m in therapy...on sleep medication, anxiety medication and something else prescribed to calm my nerves. I’m still a freaking mess. My heart is in a million pieces. I don't know which way to go to start putting myself back together. I don’t know why am I so obsessed with her?
I know this is long…but thanks to everyone if they can make me see things in a different perspective.
Is she a sociopath or just a cheater?
