'Sup. I'm Aurora. Long time lurker, decided to jump in and introduce myself with the obligatory huge-ass introspective first post.
This is something I wrote just for myself to try and get my head straight, but I'm gonna take advantage of the freedom to post whatever the fuck I want and post it here. It really has nothing to do w sociopaths, but if anyones bored enough to read it then I'd be interested to hear opinions.
Having warned you that it's long and might not make sense to anyone but me, if you're gonna bitch about being bored for 3 mins reading it then you were probably a boring cunt to start with.
The Problem
I tend to reinvent myself every year or so. This is a conscious, deliberate process. I'm in the middle of one of these phases of reinvention right now, and it's kind of like being stuck in limbo as there is still so much I need to work out.
If I know for certain what I want then it's easy – I just find a way to get it. And I always get what I want. But as I get older (mid-20s), working out what I actually want is not as easy, and the specifics get more complicated. There is something I want, but I'm not sure what situation I want it in.
I'm desperate to have a baby. I hate kids, but a few months ago it was like someone just flipped a switch in my mind that turned on the baby obsession and now I can't turn it off. It's an all-consuming desire, but I know it's irrational and don't want it to fuck up my life, which is why I'm searching for the right situation.
I just ended an almost 8 yr relationship cos the guy wouldn't commit to having kids with me, and couldn't support me financially anyway. He was an amazing guy, the only one I've ever been with. I don't miss him now he's gone, but we had some fun together. I won't stop to wonder if I made a mistake.
I'm so lucky to have a job that I love and can earn good money, but the nature of my work is that it will always be freelance/commission/short term projects. When I'm working I can more than enough support myself and a kid, but it's just the time off I'd have to take to actually have the baby. I got savings, but not enough to support me in the manner I'm used to living in.
I'm in a really cool position in that I can now pretty much go anywhere I want and do whatever the fuck I want. I'm so bored of my life, and I've got this real obsession with South America. I was trying to motivate myself to learn Spanish (originally started learning it just cos everyone else who speaks languages seemed to start w Spanish and it felt like I was missing something. But I needed more of a motivation than that to learn it so I started getting into all things South American an now I'm totally obsessed). I'm planning to go there in Jan or Feb for a month, and if I like it, I'll stay.
Possible Solutions
So, my chances of meeting a man who will agree to father a child and come to South America with me in the next 8 weeks are probably quite slim. Also, I'm a really difficult person to get along with when you get to know me. I mean, although I could get a new boyfriend tomorrow, I'm hot or cute or charming or whatever you want me to be, but only a crazy person would want to sign up to this long term.
I actually quite like the thought of doing it by myself and being the one making all of the decisions. But, I don't want to just go out and get pregnant by some random dude. Mostly because of the financial support thing, but also I want to find someone with the right genetics ie intelligent, good looking etc.
I've looked on co-parenting websites as far as I can w/o actually signing up and it's possibly the way forward. Basically all I would be asking a guy for is sperm + financial support for the first year, and in return he would get a kid who he could see as much or as little as he liked. I think it's a pretty good deal considering that it would normally involve an 18+ yr financial commitment and a lot of responsibility.
But..... is this completely insane? Realistic long term life goals and impulsive behavior are real issues for me, and as I said I don't want to just impulsively do something that will fuck up the rest of my life. Normally I wouldn't stop to question a plan, but these past few months things really haven't gone so well for me (altho not really thru any fault of my own) and it's kinda made me question things a little. Anyway, now I really am rambling...
Hi Emily, and maybe a couple of others who made it this far. I'm open minded as far as feedback goes, but I appreciate straight talking. I don't have a religious or spiritual bone in my body, and guess the kinda advise I respond better to and really came here looking for is the kinda STFU U LOSER AN SORT UR FUCKING LIFE OUT drill-sergeant style reality check. Verbose mystical Christian musings, however well-intentioned, will not be read.
Tl;dr: Typical mid-20s life crisis.
