But I absolutely adore the risk.. I was dealing for a few months simply because I was bored and I though it'd have some excitement. Boy was I wrong. Passing cops didn't bother me (I thought I'd get some sort of rush/sensation) and the actual sales were too repeatetive and similar.. gave up on that pretty quickly.
Basically, point is: I need some sort of risk.. Otherwise life's just too bland.
Hi again Aidan
This make any sense to you, it's a bit rough but may be of value.
Let us know if it resonates with you or you think it's shit:)
Imagine you are born and grow to be roughly 3-4 years old. You look like everyone around you, but think in a completely different way. You refuse to believe what others tell you without proof, ie you think in a purely logical way. This is how you learn, eg if I stub my toe it hurts, so I know not to do it again. You don't conciously understand this at this point because you think that because everyone looks like you, they must be like you. So if you can think of any possible action and consider doing it, why would you not do something? What would stop you from doing what you want? Obviously like other you people you could be smart or stupid, so depending on your intelligence you would have lesser or greater control over your decisions and impulses. Because you are logical when people teach you the rules that they instinctively seem to know or believe you instinctively test and question them. You can't understand how no-one sees that the rules don't apply to everyone, and there are exceptions and excuses which make the rules ridiculous. So if everyone around you seems to be the same as you, and you see them lying, being hypocritical and illogical, what will you behave like, how will you pattern your behaviour to fit in? You still don't realise you are different so you will be angry but to fit in you will unconciously base your behaviour on them. If you are lucky and you are raised in an environment where your parents love you and teach you the value of manners, respect, and honesty and hard work what would happen? The only thing stopping you from doing whatever you have the urge to would be respect and love for your parents. Not because if you do whatever you want it will make them feel bad, or hate you, or kick you out. But because you like them and appreciate what they have done for you logically. You could live your life with or without them, but with them it is easier and more interesting so out of respect for them you follow their rules.You still think everyone is like you so this happens automatically in your mind like breathing. Eventually if you are lucky you come to realise and accept what you are.You find humanity endlessly fascinating and beautiful but it enrages you that they cannot see what was obvious to you from the day you were born. Why would you kill someone? You know what happens when they die so the only reason would be to see if you enjoy it or not. But if you kill you destroy all possible outcomes from that individual, they could have a son who discovers the cure for cancer.They could paint a masterpiece, or launch a nuclear war. And if you kill them and enjoy it then what? You could kill again and again but for what purpose?You increase the risk of harm to yourself and your family, so logically why would you. There are other far simpler ways to get enjoyment. You don't find them stupid for being different and believing different things, you find them stupid because you can see that logically we are more the same than we are different and everyone is unique and interesting. This dosen't mean I want to sit in a circle holding hands singing kumbaya, but its really basic stuff!!! Logic is the only way to apply value. If a building is on fire and my friend is caught inside what would I do? Logically it is safer for me to not go inside and to save myself. However if I have a choice between living my life with him or without him, I would choose with him. Not out of love, but because he is interesting, I want to see what he becomes, what he chooses, why he chooses.My life is more interesting with him than without him. So having weighed up all these reasons I would obviously save him.These are the kind of calculations a sociopath does every day. Imagine playing a game where everyone knows the rules but some people follow them, and some people cheat. Would it make you angry? Would you stop playing the game? To be a sociopath is to be an honest man in a world of liars and cheats. How lonely would you feel?
Thanks Aidan glad it helped.
Would recommend you do some research on ADHD as well it's often comorbid with the sociopathic condition. If you do have ADHD as well and get diagnosed and get the medication mix right that will help with your focus and self-control eg the constant rage. The emptiness won't go away or the loneliness but hey it's a start:)
Regards parker