Hello, I am a male 18 year old attending high school. I have the capabilities of achieving straight A's, although my grades tend to bounce all over the place. My teachers and parents have told me that I am very "hot and cold", whether it be my academics, behavior at home, or whatever else I may be involved in. I am hard of hearing, although I live in a small town and haven't been around others (I'm sure I have here and there, but no faces/names come to mind) who are hard of hearing, aside from the older people I've talked with. The hearing loss (we believe) is a side effect of a drug used to treat a severe fever I had had when I was an infant.
I have grown up hearing from my mother "so-and-so said you are just the most respectful, charming, handsome young man they've met!". But, when I'm home with my family (and ONLY my family), my other side comes out. I'm not always some evil, bad, malicious person. In fact, I like to believe that I'm never that. Instead, I like to believe that I just get... angry. I have some sort of rage. I have no clue what it could possibly be a result from. I will come back to this shortly. First, I want to continue giving some background information on the environment in which I've been growing up in.
I'll start with my family. My mother is one of the kindest and selfless people that anyone could ever meet. My father is musical, logical, smart, and kind. Like all parents, they have gotten upset in the past, but they have never, ever, ever been abusive in any way. My father is currently living in Dubai, and has since the summer between 8th and 9th grade. I am currently in 12th. He had moved overseas for work when the business he was working for was having difficulties keeping their workers employed. He and my mother are still married, and talk at least once a day via phone, skype, e-mail, etc. I avoid talking with him. I do not know why, as he has never given me any reason to abandon him. My mom will be talking with him and then hand the phone to me, and I will reluctantly take it because I don't want to put up with the arguing that would follow between my mom and I. My mother and I fight a lot. I occasionally get physical, although that has died down recently. Then again, maybe I'm lying to myself and all of you, because I don't want to be seen as a violent person. I have pushed, "hit" (not punch, hit... There's a huge difference in my opinion), and broken inanimate objects as a result of my anger.
I become a new person when I am angry. I am not even close to being the person everyone tells my mom I am. I do not want to be this person.
I live on the edge. I have always enjoyed risks. I have also always had supportive parents. I snowboard, skateboard, play soccer, swim, and enjoy living in an athletic body. Fortunately for myself, I am naturally athletic and slim as I don't make any effort to keep myself in shape. I have abused drugs in the past, and would love to continue. I hate using with others, however, because they use for the wrong reasons. I am so facinated with drugs, the way a simple chemical such as DMT can completely alter your reality. I have used some pills (I now regret, due to a possible OD and not liking the idea of a synthetic product in my body). I have consumer an innumerable amount of cannabis since my first year in highschool (I am stopping now as it is too expensive), drinking when given the opportunity, and hoping to get my hands on psycadelics. I'm not really sure if this has any beneficial information, but ik that drugs can be an indicator of certain behavior/mental differences.
I am currently dating someone for just over a year now, who I have cheated on 2 1/2 times without any remorse, and without any evidence left behind. I am fortunate that the girls I've been with did not say anything. Actually, I take that back. One of them did. But, because I have such a reputation of being a selfless person who would NEVER do a thing to harm my girlfriend, nobody believed it. I had always promised myself I'd never cheat, ever. My ex (and first girlfriend) cheated on my while I was at a special athletics school.
I am smart. I know it. I feel that I've above everyone else, although I know I am not. I look around the room and feel that others are inferior to me. Maybe this is why my mother and I have such a love-hate relationship. I may be trying to gain "power of the house" now that it has only been my mom and I for a few years. My siblings have all graduated from top-of-the-line colleges, and I will have no chance of attending a school of that calliber. I am the black sheep in the family. I am the druggie. I am the one with anger issues. In fact, none of my siblings gave my parents a hard time growing up. Ever. Only me.
The Switch.
I have felt crazy. I have felt insane. I have felt suicidal (actually, I take that back.. I'm not suicidal, but I adore the idea of it. It is the ultimate control of one's life. I will not be killed my someone else, or suffer from an accident, illness, or age. I will cease to exist through my own hands. I will control my death and I will choose the exact way I choose to go. It may not be until I'm 85 years old, but it will happen from me. Why am I feeling this? Well, I feel it has to do with some internal confusion.
I am conflicted. I am confused. I am not hurt, or in pain though. I am the person that puts everyone else before myself. I am the person who will complete random acts of kindness. I am the person who honestly, doesn't give a fuck.
This is where the internal conflict comes into play. I act like the good sameritan, but I know that the real reasons behind my actions are not for the good of others. However, up until recently I was very confused and wanted so much to actually be that person, the one who cares. I have often seen other people in movies suddenly drop to the floor and start sobbing when they receive news of a loved one's death. When I picture myself hearing similar words, I picture myself acting. I would miss the person, but I would not care. I would not cry as a natural reaction, but rather a premediated decision. I am an expert manipulator. My mom has told me, maybe around five times a week (excluding the times during a fight) that I manipulate her. My words will say one thing, and my actions will say another. I will put on the charm and love when I want something, and as soon as I have it, I'll stop. This doesn't mean I'll be mean, cruel, or rude. It means I'll simply stop being extra sweet and helpful.
I do not judge others. I view everyone the same. I see the "popular" kids the same way I see the "losers". I am a master at reading body language. I am the fly on the wall. I am the life of the party. I am whatever I choose to be.
I have all the confidence in the world, but I have absolutely no self esteem. I take things literally, literally. For instance, my girlfriend recently shared that her mom said "don't think you're going to end up marrying that man". I was deeply hurt at first, because I took it as rejection and that I wasn't worthy of her daughter (which I am, but I'm not... lol), but now I think of how silly it was to think that. It's simply where we're at in our lives, and she's simply guiding her child through the early stages of adulthood, teaching her that we aren't done developing mentally and that our lives may take very sharp turns away from each other post-education, whether it's something we mutually want or not.
I do not feel remorse. I do not feel guilt. I do, however, feel empathy. Just kidding, again. I had literally just had this thought come to me a couple hours ago, and I think this may be spot-on. I've always thought of myself as overly empathetic, being able to actually feel myself what others are feeling. After thinking about this, however, I've come to the conclusion it may simply be myself reading and assesing the other's emotions much better than the average person.
I think too much. I am always thinking. Always trying to figure out the "next big thing".
Back to the Switch. Idk why I hadn't covered that when I mentioned it. Basically, I can shut off my emotions. Completely. As I choose. I'm careful when I use this gift, however, because I don't want others to see that I am truly a heartless person. I can also turn on emotions, somewhat. I'm much better at shutting everything down.
This is what I do: stop breathing. I simply just stop breathing, wherever I was at. If i was halfway through exhaling, who cares, I stop there then. Instantly, and I mean instantly, I'm numb inside. I hate using the term numb though, because it's not numbness. It's nothing. Emptyness... and I love it. It is the best "feeling" (ironic, huh) ever. I start breathing around 1 second after stopping, although the feeling continues as long as I decide it should. I can reproduce feelings, as well, although currently I'm limited to a veerrrrryyyyyy weak happiness or a mild depression. Most people look at feelings such as anxiety, sadness, and anger as negative. I view the entire emotional spectrum as positive. I adore feelings things. It's awesome. Why do people think anger is unpleasent? It's sure a lot more exciting than not being angry, right?
Anyway, kind of an abrupt stop, although I feel I should be ending this before I just publish it into some kind of book...
Any questions? I'm sorry about the length, I wasn't expecting to go into such detail. I have a problem with needing to explain everything. If I'm messaging a friend "hey i'll be there in 5 more minutes" I'll go on for a good paragraph or two explaining why I'll be 5 minutes late, how it's not in my control (aka, not my fault), and so forth.
Also, I've heard plenty of times that I'm cocky. I hate that, because I don't see myself that way. I have no clue why someone would say that I'm cocky.
I asked my mom the other day why she seems so tired/sad all the time. I wasn't sure if I just remembered things differently when I was younger, or if she actually has changed into a sad person since. She responded with "It's because of you, Aidan."
I guess I'm pretty exhausting.
Oh right, I lived overseas with my dad and mom for 3 months this spring if that helps? Culture shock? nah, just another day.
Short version: I grew up in a normal household setting, great parents, great siblings, unbelievable support from all. Hearing loss, athletic, smart. I abuse some substances here and there, although that habit is slowing down due to lack of time/funding. I am the kindest, most generous soul on this planet through the eyes of everyone else, but what I really am, is a demon. I appear to be the sweetest person in the world, when in reality all I want is personal gain.
