Dearest Grandma Mildred,
I have not forgotten that you are of suspect sanity. Indeed, I was conversing with our mutual friend, Father O`reilly just the other day, and he asked after you, and was inquiring as to whether or not you had mellowed with age. Happily , I informed him that your sarcasm , and propensity for spending other peoples trust funds had not diminished one bit , and that your extensive collection of furry companions had reached plague proportions.
Aaahhh, I look back on my time with you with such such fondness!, well not really fondness perse, more along the lines of "swim or drown". ( I dont forget the day you held my head under the water in the bath with your broom).
I trust the zimmer frame I sent you, with the little bike horn attached to it is helping you get around the old house.
In case you were unaware, you can easily fit a commode to it and it can double as a portable toilet ( yes grandmother, I remember only too well your bouts of flatulence . As a young lad , I was most impressed by the baritone sounds erupting from your derrierre, as you hovered about your china cabinet, dusting your collection of ceramic penises.
any the hoo, I must sign off now , as I am about to go out for dinner with a nubile young maiden, who has kindly offered me the use of her delightfully substantial mouth, for things other than talking and singing.
I have wired grandfather and told him to send me the money you hide in the teapot on the fridge, so by now, he will have attended to that , and you will be too late in apprehending him.
Fear not, I shall put your money to good use.
I remain
Your socially impaired grandson
Timothy.
