So its 4 o clock in the morning and i cant sleep because im going through withdrawals. I stumbled upon this site because about 10 minutes ago after I realized i just might be a sociopath. Its an interesting revalation to say the least. Still dont know how i feel about this but hoefully you guys can help me out. My story is a little long but pls bare with me, ill keep it as short as I possibly can
I just recently graduated college at the age of 25(started college at 19), I know most people around me are happy for me and thats cool but personally deep down I see it as sort of a bittersweet moment. Yes i graduated but it took me so long and honestly its not a fulfilling achievement because i barely graduated with a 2.0 GPA but yet everybdy expects me to do my masters and its damn near impossible to get into any grad program with those grades
Im from California but the first college I went to was in Georgia and i fucked up out there. My first and biggest regret out there was perpetrating the life of a gang member. To this day I have no idea why i did that but for 2 and a half years I was a "blood". Because i was in georgia away from home it was easy to get away with this facade and I ran with it. To make it even worse my hallmates during freshman year were actual bloods(they were also brothers btw and accompanied by this other guy from New Jersey were the only other college gang bangers I knew) from Texas and I knew that if i could convince those 3 guys that I was a blood then I would be set straight and that I did. The problem was in order to keep up my bullshit had to actually learn a bunch of gang bs off the internet and when they would talk about it I had my ears wide open, so I basically spent my whole freshman year keeping up with my persona and learning more about the bloods than I did school. During this time we were also stealing phones, projectors out of the classrooms, peoples laptops out of their rooms, even set this guy up and stole his stereo system when he took us to the mall. For 2 more years I kpet up this bs. A lot happened but i ended up having to leave Georgia becuase I got robbed(because i stole something from him in the first place) and the dude who robbed me said he was coming back for me plus the lies were starting to take a toll on me because after almost 3 years u start forgetting the lies u told in the past and have to make up new lies to cover the past lie, very stressful. Anyway I left Georgia and I changed my number becuase I didnt wanna associate with anoybody that knew me as a blood. Now that im older am realizing that was a big mistake becuase i did manage to meet some really good people out there but its all the past now unfortunately.
Fast forward to today and even though my lies arent as deep rooted as before I still see myself trying to manipulate situations. I am a very sociable person when im not high, I can literaly hold a conversation with almost anybody for hours but yet it seems Im losing more and more friends by the day. I think most of my friends have started to realize that Im that guy that only comes around when he needs someone to do something for him. Im starting to realize ive looked at the few friends i have as pawns and not as my fellow comrades in this jounrey of life. Even my girlfiend, she loves me but i constantly cheat on her and lie to her, shes tried to leave times and times again but I always find a way to get her back in my web of bs. I know its not fair to her but i keep on doing it. Then my boy went to jail earlier this year because i used him to do some identity theft stuff and he got locked up but i wasnt there so im totally fine (hes out now btw but is gonna be on probation for the next 3 years) but i feel bad for puttin him in that situation in the first place. The weed doesnt help either, it just makes me lazy,reclusive, tooo laid back and anti social. I know its a big reason my life is currently in shambles, today was my first day not smoking at all since like i dont know maybe 2011 and I ended up on this site for better or worse. Like literally everyday since like february ive been tellin myself today would be my last day smoking and yet i wake up the next day smoking. Today I went without smoking and it felt like that movie Limitless but in reverse, like everything is all bright when im sober but when high its like watching CBS, just plain and bland. Around 11 pm though i started fiending again but none of my dealers picked up so im just assed out and sober and i actuallly like this being sober for 24 hours thing but i know come tomorrow it would be over. My addiction will overomce my perserverance as always
My question to you guys is after reading a little of my background and my battle with weed addiction. Am i a sociopath? Can i "fix" myself? I need help please