I think I may have a potential problem.
At the moment, I seem to be projecting a persona that people find pleasing. It allows me to maintain a circle of ‘friends’ that I socialize with on the weekends and even allows me excel professionally. I call it the ‘affable eccentric’ and it seems to be quite effective.
Dress sharp, don’t sleep around too much, only defend, never attack and always articulate yourself with humorous distinction. But little do they know;
I don’t sleep around because after I am ‘finished’, with women, I no longer have any use for them. How can these fools expect me to take them seriously when I have just wielded them like an instrument? The really troublesome part is that you begin to develop a ‘reputation’ after you have mishandled too many women and reputations always prompt unacceptable questions like “Why are you doing that?†I now refrain from sleeping around under the pretense that I am waiting for “the oneâ€, but I assure that this is NOT IDEAL!!!
Although I thoroughly enjoy verbal and physical confrontations, I have found that if you confine this behavior to those that other people consider as ‘bullies’, all your transgressions are forgiven and in some cases, they are even celebrated. The aggressive chumps that I clandestinely bait seem to never seem to imagine that I will not get out of their way. They don’t expect it when I seem to ‘accidentally’ hit on their woman. The precious fools are always surprised when I don’t yield to their challenges and they CERTAINLY don’t expect it when such an articulately spoken individual such as myself seems more than willing to end the confrontation with violence. People seem to admire the fact that I never give in ‘bullies’, but it never fails to amuse me that they never think to wonder why I seem to find so many.
Whilst there are obviously countless more mechanisms that I use to maintain this façade, the most profitable aspect of my persona becomes obvious when I apply it to my workplace environment. Every day I turn up to work and scheme, manipulate, distract, divide, flirt, compliment and placate though nobody ever seems to realise it. It seems that as long as I smile, joke and refer to my own considerable achievements with nothing more than offhand consideration, my Machiavellian efforts seem to fly without complaint. For the sake of brevity, I will only say that whilst my professional future looks quite bright at the moment, the reasons why my methods seem to work still baffles me.
But back to my potential problem. I rememberlove.
Whilst it ended up turning into a fairly destructive experience for the both of us, for approximately a year, I would have been willing to burn this whole world to the ground for the sake of one woman. I probably still would.
Such POWER I felt during that time! To wake up every day with the seemingly infallible knowledge that I was actually WINNING was intoxicating and after nearly two years of separation I still regret the need to end it. Unfortunately, it soon became apparent that she had a ‘past’ she needed to contend withand in that regard I was simply no help. She needed me to understand her problems, she wanted me to sooth her pain, but all I could offer her was the assurance that I would systematically destroy anything that might attempt to hurt her in the future. It wasn’t enough, so we ended it.
Whilst I am fairly sure that I have nailed down the rest of my game fairly tightly, I have come to resent the implied weakness in my character. So, if I am ever again fortunate enough find myself confronted with a woman of similar quality, how do I prevent a similar outcome?