Sociopath Community

You'd be surprised at how common certain habits are if you'd interact with the general populace more. 

make up whole personas on the internet as rich people or girls and interact with them, garner supply and money (prob low self esteem symptom, helped me become a better scammer) - Specific and kinda weird 

acting out my daydreams in physical motions or facial expressions due to maladaptive daydreaming - Normal 
wait till its 00 minutes to start doing something - Normal 
walk from room to room when im bored - Normal 
get lost in a daydream and forget what im doing - Normal 

You're really not that different but provide different examples 

Xadem said: 

You'd be surprised at how common certain habits are if you'd interact with the general populace more. 

make up whole personas on the internet as rich people or girls and interact with them, garner supply and money (prob low self esteem symptom, helped me become a better scammer) - Specific and kinda weird 

acting out my daydreams in physical motions or facial expressions due to maladaptive daydreaming - Normal 
wait till its 00 minutes to start doing something - Normal 
walk from room to room when im bored - Normal 
get lost in a daydream and forget what im doing - Normal 

You're really not that different but provide different examples 

 thats comforting ty

one time I woke up and thought I was in a social experiment and my house was actually  a front for a lab and I was inside of an experiment... like... and my parents were lab staff just posing as my parents... 

I also used to wake up at weird times and wrote down all the times that I woke up and then added them together and basically I thought the clock on my wall was talking to me, and the times meant something, and it was like significant... and had messages in the times. 

one time I went over to my friends house and started ranting about how we all came from mars originally and... I don't even know. but I literally talked for like 2 or 3 hours straight to my friend about mars and then fell asleep. I gave them no notice I was coming over either, which wasn't something I rnomally did with them. and it was also the middle of the night on a school night when I showed up lol. 

one time I had an anger outburst and threw a shoe through a window. another time I ripped a door straight off it's hinges. another time I slammed a door so many times that I slowly deteriorated the frame around it to pieces. and lets not forget the time I picked up a 90 pound futon, carried it all the way outside, just so I could literally hulk smashed it into the floor repeatedly over and over just beating it into the concrete until there was nothing left of it but planks and screws- and then I picked up the planks and started breaking them in half. and then screamed "FUCK YOU" at my dad and walked back inside. 

this was all when I was in high school, except the futon thing. that happened in college. 

dissociation 

my ex girlfriend and I woke up in the same bed and she was talking about how we had sex the night before and I had no recollection of it, to the point I still have no idea if she just dreamt that happened and it didn't happen, or if it actually happened. but regardless it was all blacked out. 

another time this guy I was dating claimed we had been like on 3 other dates before and had made out and held hands, and I have no recollection of all three of the dates. I still have no idea if he was lying or just had me confused with someone else but, yeah. 

one time I was journaling into my computer about the time I had experienced sexual abuse... well- I thought I was. I thought I had written like three pages, and it turns out in reality I had maybe written like one word- and I was just staring out the window for many hours like completely not there. when I started journaling it was maybe 2pm, daylight. when I snapped out of it, it was dark outside. it was like "woah, what happened." apparently during this black out I also had a conversation with my mom about agreeing to go somewhere with her at 9pm, to go see a movie or something. I didn't even like going to the movies, and was too tired to go in reality when I came to. and obviously had no recollection of the conversation but, my mom like told me about the whole thing. But yeah I was too exhausted to go after that happened and went to sleep immediately. 

I also blacked out a traumatic time when I went to the hospital when I was 10 apparently. According to my mom. Like I just remember getting really sick, and then I was at home getting better. But between there, there was a time when I was hospitalized I learned, but yeah. Only my mother remembers it. It's totally blacked out. Black black. 

one time I was under a stressful situation and I switched into this weird personality that wasn't myself and then after being that way for about 3 hours, I just randomly started hard core dissociating /having a panic attack and then fell asleep and when I woke up I felt normal and like myself again and I was like what,... the fuck. LOL like I was co-conscious or whatever so I could witness myself being that way but I don't have good memory of what I did or said, it's foggy but. Yeah that def... wasn't me. Had a slight country accent.  When I woke up I was talking normal and calm. But exhaustedddd. It was weird. Trigged by stress and panic. 

I also had this happen briefly during a high stress situation but it was a different personality that came out. This one had a Spanish accent. And then after about being that way for three hours (seems to be the cut off lol, 3 hours) I sat down because my stomach started hurting, and then I realized I was going to puke / was having a panic attack- and locked myself in the bathroom and took a shower and tried to ground myself doing exercises but I was like dissociating and panicking hard core in there and having a mental breakdown like crying. And then I went to sleep again. 

one time in class I started acting really strange, um. I was in a really bad time, mentally, during this time. Like I had just gotten out of the psych ward and then my mom was like "you should go to class!" even though I wasn't ready at all. And instead of having a panic attack I just dissociated and... started doing really weird shit in the classroom like, mocking the professor and like, doing a lot of comedic stuff and making jokes... It was not, my normal at all. I'm usually quiet and just take notes and leave. But iw as like straight up acting out. And I couldn't stop idk. It was really fucking weird. And then when I left the room to go home I started crying because I didn't understand what was going on and why I was losing control like this. 

panic attacks 

sometimes I'll just be sitting at a table or, whatever. talking with people. Maybe I'll watch something that triggers me. Or I'll be traveling, that's a trigger. Or I'll be out with friends. Walking on a side walk, or, my car will break down and I have to wait on the side of the road. 

Like one time I went to a restaurant with my friend, I thought I could handle it. Ten minutes in, I look at my friend like, about to vomit from panic and I'm just like, "I- I can't do this I"m sorry I have to go home lol" and had to do breathing exercises the whole way home. 

Another time, my car broke down with my friends in it. We waited on the side of the road, and I started having a panic attack. I just walked away from my friends who were like standing in a little circle talking about what to do and calling people to pick us up. And they're like uh, Mary what are you doing? And I'm like I- I just need to sit down. lol... and then I sat on the curb with my head my hands literally shaking and trying to breathe having a panic attack, my mom had to come get me, and I just stood there hugging her for about thirty minutes shaking head to toe and crying. 

Something similar happened when I was in the hospital, something bad happened and yeah. I started having a panic attack and I had to hug my mom for 30-45 minutes straight shaking and crying again. I just latch onto people like a koala or like a small child and just, shake for a while until I can calm down. That's just one example of what my panic attacks look like though, there's many different lovely sensations and types to experience. 

Emotional flashbacks 

For no reason at all, I was sitting at a restaurant with family. Everyone was eating and laughing being fine. But I got emotionally overwhelmed for some reason, and kept looking at the knives and like, getting triggered by it with suicidal ideation? And it was just a mess. I was a wreck. And the food was really overwhelming as well I guess (food is a trigger for me sometimes..) and idk. 

I didn't understand at the time this is called an emotional flashback so, whatever trauma I had associated with everything it just, was balled up inside you and comes out in the form of tears but you're not even sure what it's consciously related to. 

I have had several breakdowns like this at dinner tables, I don't know why but I have a really difficult time sitting at a dinner table full of people and this happens a lot. Like we'll just be having a conversation and I just start having a panic attack and have to leave the room, or I'll start crying like that just sitting there. And people are like, are you okay?? 

Sometimes it's just rocking back and forth and telling myself, "it's okay" over and over again out loud. 

Or after being beat up, I dissociated during it and then when I woke up my entire body was shaking and I was laying on the floor and I just continued to lay there for like three hours just shaking and trying to breath and then fell asleep like that. 

I'm like "yep this happens sometimes, pass the salt?" 

*sobs while pouring salt* 

anger outbursts/grumpiness/emotional instability 

sometimes from depression I will be particularly grouchy and sad. Everyone is having a perfectly normal time and I'm like, being overly cynical and jaded and saying really callous mean darting comments and complaining a lot and like angry at everyone- blaming them for things. 

It's unfortunate but I only do this when I'm genuinely unwell. It's just from the lack of serotonin. lol But this is the reality of depression/ the ugly side they don't want to show. Which is, sometimes you are unreasonably angry, and grouchy, or bothered unnecessarily. 

Like everything is fine in reality but, to you- nothing is fine. Every little thing bothers you. And you're like stuck on it. And just push people away with the anger and want to isolate because you just fucking hate everything. 

It feels as if this mood will never end when it sets in but, truth is its usually very brief for me. 

mental breakdowns 

One time at the mention of me hanging myself with my shoe laces, this triggered a full tilt mental breakdown when I was in the psych ward. Panicking and crying into a wall for like 2 hours. Telling myself to breath. 

One time my parents were screaming at me and like idk, just threatening me and doing all kinda crazy shit. And I just couldn't take it anymore it had been like several hours of arguing and I was just sitting there silently taking it like I always do. And then I just randomly got up out of my chair, went to the corner of the the room facing it, put my hands over my face and started screaming and crying, and then sat in the fetal position there in the corner sobbing for about 30 minutes. They just left me there to cry to myself in the corner for a while. 

☪🐜😈Bossroach😈🐜☪ said:e

inb4 1000 line reply by blanc

 you called it

Bossroach said:

i used to

Stuff we used to do would be significantly easier to narrate, as we don't fully identify with it anymore. Do you feel like you do any mentally ill stuff presently, or do you tend to only see it after the fact? 

If you want me to narrate some present day crazy, it's going to be of a different nature than my older flip outs. 

Blanc said: 

dissociation 

my ex girlfriend and I woke up in the same bed and she was talking about how we had sex the night before and I had no recollection of it, to the point I still have no idea if she just dreamt that happened and it didn't happen, or if it actually happened. but regardless it was all blacked out. 

 

another time this guy I was dating claimed we had been like on 3 other dates before and had made out and held hands, and I have no recollection of all three of the dates. I still have no idea if he was lying or just had me confused with someone else but, yeah. 

 

one time I was journaling into my computer about the time I had experienced sexual abuse... well- I thought I was. I thought I had written like three pages, and it turns out in reality I had maybe written like one word- and I was just staring out the window for many hours like completely not there. when I started journaling it was maybe 2pm, daylight. when I snapped out of it, it was dark outside. it was like "woah, what happened." apparently during this black out I also had a conversation with my mom about agreeing to go somewhere with her at 9pm, to go see a movie or something. I didn't even like going to the movies, and was too tired to go in reality when I came to. and obviously had no recollection of the conversation but, my mom like told me about the whole thing. But yeah I was too exhausted to go after that happened and went to sleep immediately. 

 

I also blacked out a traumatic time when I went to the hospital when I was 10 apparently. According to my mom. Like I just remember getting really sick, and then I was at home getting better. But between there, there was a time when I was hospitalized I learned, but yeah. Only my mother remembers it. It's totally blacked out. Black black. 

 

one time I was under a stressful situation and I switched into this weird personality that wasn't myself and then after being that way for about 3 hours, I just randomly started hard core dissociating /having a panic attack and then fell asleep and when I woke up I felt normal and like myself again and I was like what,... the fuck. LOL like I was co-conscious or whatever so I could witness myself being that way but I don't have good memory of what I did or said, it's foggy but. Yeah that def... wasn't me. Had a slight country accent.  When I woke up I was talking normal and calm. But exhaustedddd. It was weird. Trigged by stress and panic. 

 

I also had this happen briefly during a high stress situation but it was a different personality that came out. This one had a Spanish accent. And then after about being that way for three hours (seems to be the cut off lol, 3 hours) I sat down because my stomach started hurting, and then I realized I was going to puke / was having a panic attack- and locked myself in the bathroom and took a shower and tried to ground myself doing exercises but I was like dissociating and panicking hard core in there and having a mental breakdown like crying. And then I went to sleep again. 

 

one time in class I started acting really strange, um. I was in a really bad time, mentally, during this time. Like I had just gotten out of the psych ward and then my mom was like "you should go to class!" even though I wasn't ready at all. And instead of having a panic attack I just dissociated and... started doing really weird shit in the classroom like, mocking the professor and like, doing a lot of comedic stuff and making jokes... It was not, my normal at all. I'm usually quiet and just take notes and leave. But iw as like straight up acting out. And I couldn't stop idk. It was really fucking weird. And then when I left the room to go home I started crying because I didn't understand what was going on and why I was losing control like this. 

 

panic attacks 

sometimes I'll just be sitting at a table or, whatever. talking with people. Maybe I'll watch something that triggers me. Or I'll be traveling, that's a trigger. Or I'll be out with friends. Walking on a side walk, or, my car will break down and I have to wait on the side of the road. 

 

Like one time I went to a restaurant with my friend, I thought I could handle it. Ten minutes in, I look at my friend like, about to vomit from panic and I'm just like, "I- I can't do this I"m sorry I have to go home lol" and had to do breathing exercises the whole way home. 

 

Another time, my car broke down with my friends in it. We waited on the side of the road, and I started having a panic attack. I just walked away from my friends who were like standing in a little circle talking about what to do and calling people to pick us up. And they're like uh, Mary what are you doing? And I'm like I- I just need to sit down. lol... and then I sat on the curb with my head my hands literally shaking and trying to breathe having a panic attack, my mom had to come get me, and I just stood there hugging her for about thirty minutes shaking head to toe and crying. 

 

Something similar happened when I was in the hospital, something bad happened and yeah. I started having a panic attack and I had to hug my mom for 30-45 minutes straight shaking and crying again. I just latch onto people like a koala or like a small child and just, shake for a while until I can calm down. That's just one example of what my panic attacks look like though, there's many different lovely sensations and types to experience. 

 

Emotional flashbacks 

For no reason at all, I was sitting at a restaurant with family. Everyone was eating and laughing being fine. But I got emotionally overwhelmed for some reason, and kept looking at the knives and like, getting triggered by it with suicidal ideation? And it was just a mess. I was a wreck. And the food was really overwhelming as well I guess (food is a trigger for me sometimes..) and idk. 

 

 

I didn't understand at the time this is called an emotional flashback so, whatever trauma I had associated with everything it just, was balled up inside you and comes out in the form of tears but you're not even sure what it's consciously related to. 

 

I have had several breakdowns like this at dinner tables, I don't know why but I have a really difficult time sitting at a dinner table full of people and this happens a lot. Like we'll just be having a conversation and I just start having a panic attack and have to leave the room, or I'll start crying like that just sitting there. And people are like, are you okay?? 

 

Sometimes it's just rocking back and forth and telling myself, "it's okay" over and over again out loud. 

 

Or after being beat up, I dissociated during it and then when I woke up my entire body was shaking and I was laying on the floor and I just continued to lay there for like three hours just shaking and trying to breath and then fell asleep like that. 

 

I'm like "yep this happens sometimes, pass the salt?" 

*sobs while pouring salt* 

 

anger outbursts/grumpiness/emotional instability 

sometimes from depression I will be particularly grouchy and sad. Everyone is having a perfectly normal time and I'm like, being overly cynical and jaded and saying really callous mean darting comments and complaining a lot and like angry at everyone- blaming them for things. 

 

It's unfortunate but I only do this when I'm genuinely unwell. It's just from the lack of serotonin. lol But this is the reality of depression/ the ugly side they don't want to show. Which is, sometimes you are unreasonably angry, and grouchy, or bothered unnecessarily. 

 

Like everything is fine in reality but, to you- nothing is fine. Every little thing bothers you. And you're like stuck on it. And just push people away with the anger and want to isolate because you just fucking hate everything. 

 

It feels as if this mood will never end when it sets in but, truth is its usually very brief for me. 

 

mental breakdowns 

One time at the mention of me hanging myself with my shoe laces, this triggered a full tilt mental breakdown when I was in the psych ward. Panicking and crying into a wall for like 2 hours. Telling myself to breath. 

 

One time my parents were screaming at me and like idk, just threatening me and doing all kinda crazy shit. And I just couldn't take it anymore it had been like several hours of arguing and I was just sitting there silently taking it like I always do. And then I just randomly got up out of my chair, went to the corner of the the room facing it, put my hands over my face and started screaming and crying, and then sat in the fetal position there in the corner sobbing for about 30 minutes. They just left me there to cry to myself in the corner for a while. 

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FOTS said: 

 

 112 lines total

Give her some time, the topic's still young. 

Depression 

There have been several times where people have had to peel me out of bed or off of the floor because I just could not get up.

I slept for three months once and my dad like, kept trying to get me up but nothing worked. He'd like rip the sheets off of me and yell at me and open the blinds and I'm just like *doesn't move* lol 

And in the psych ward I fell asleep outside in the grass face down, I just literally gave up lol. Everyone else is like playing basketball and I'm in the background like asleep lol and the staff had to drag my ass inside because I just couldn't get up idk, I was just so depressed I couldn't move. 

Recklessness and Suicide 

I mean, this is obvious. Sometimes I lose my mind and try to kill myself. Hard to explain what goes on when that's happening but, I'm just genuinely not right in the head when I do this lol... hard to explain what it's like. 

I went through a phase when I was younger where I was a little reckless. If I'm not well I will do things that, most people that aren't totally insane wouldn't do but. I've calmed down now. 

But yeah one time I like lost my mind a bit, dissociated and had been panicking for three days straight while also having a depressive episode that was really fucking low, was in a really stressful time of my life as well and before I was medicated and got help. And I just walked into my bathroom and overdosed. 

Another time I put the petal to the metal on an eight lane highway, closed my eyes and let go of the wheel once the car got up to 100mph. Came within about an inch of my life, I have no idea how I'm alive after that one but. It was pretty crazy. I was only like 19 with that one.

---- 

All this stuff has gotten significantly better that I've mentioned in these last, few posts. 

I still have struggles but, most of these things I'm mentioning I only struggled with before I was medicated. Now, it's like a fraction of that level of insanity and it's only occasional. I've gotten a lot better since, my younger yers like three or four years ago I was really wilding' out with all this shit but, yeah I've, dramatically made a 180 in a lot of these areas thankfully... to therapy and meds. lol 

I've been to some really horrible places and experienced some odd sensations and things because of mental illness and there have been times where it was very depilating. But yeah I've generally improved since... back then. 

Now my main struggles are still just the occasional panic attack and depressive episode where I just lay there, maybe cry, think about suicide for like four days. And then I come out of it. The panic attacks I've mostly mastered with guided meditation but, occasionally they will get to a point that is like beyond what I can handle with guided mediation and then I have a break in case of emergency klonopin that works fine for it. 

And I only get grouchy depression vibes from like lack of sleep and food or if someone is mean to me, I might get in kind of a bad mood for a minute but. I'm getting better at managing my tongue and the anger issues are significantly decreased.