Sociopath Community

Just a little update 

boyfriend went to sober living 2 hours away 

set up with a job and a place to live etc 

i told him to get health insurance and dental asap so he can get checked out. 

But yeah he’s well on his way to his own path of recovery and I’m on my own 

Him going away helped me realize some things about myself 

that I’m not done yet with my recovery process either, including therapy 

and need to continue 

focusing/working on myself 

there are some specific issues that got brought to light for me thanks to just the shifting events of my own life 

i was helping him but he also enlightened and helped me on my path in ways he doesn’t know 

that is why he is a beautiful soul worthy of existence, and forgiveness. He is a light in other people’s lives in a more intrinsic spiritual way than he probably even knows. 

That is special, not everyone has that gift. But that is his, i can see that. Whoever he encounters he lights their path a little and gives them internal personal discovery and growth and helps them be true to themselves and see what they really genuinely value. 

Also having time away from him while he was in rehab and i was traveling gave me a lot time just to think, but yeah the main take away is just that i need to continue recovery because of the specific areas i discovered need working on 

and thats good because previously i felt I barely had any direction but now I’ve opened up to a lot more shit to say that was buried in there. To work out. And stuff i didnt see before about myself. 

A higher level of self awareness and maturity. Recognizing the problem is the first step eh. 

So yeah I sorted it out with my mom and told her i wanna see a counselor again cuz i realized I’m not done yet you know and funny enough thats what she already was thinking of telling me too 

So we talked about all that and wants me to go for a lot of reasons and yeah I get it so. I’m on the same page. 

I’m just trying to be less fucked up 

and yeah so thats why i gotta do me rn and my bf gotta do him and yeah we kinda went our separate ways i mean he says he’s coming back but i know how things go so. I kinda am just doing me and not worrying about it and yeah lol basically both of us just need to focus on ourselves rn 

he’s got a lotttt of shit to work out and he’s becoming a man and shit like, we had a long talk about all that. Him and i. He’s just growing the fuck up you know. Getting his shit sorted. 

He was badly beaten all his life and just emotionally mentally everything abused, so so badly by his parents. I met them they’re so incredibly cruel and just angry people, they’re addicts themselves, they dont care about him properly.... he never graduated high school and by the time he was 18 he had an ankle bracelet on. He got mixed up in some bad shit, got clean for a bit off the heroin and yeah he relapsed this year with oxycodone when his moms cancer got worse and shes basically got a death date written on paper for her. Five months to live. Max. And that fucked him up and yeah, he slipped. It just spiraled from there very quickly. 

And that’s when he reached out to me for help, originally i was just helping him get to detox and setting him up on a path. He had a difficult time cuz he was homeless, had no ID, social security, birth certificate, insurance, shot records, nothing. No money. No one helping him. And, badly addicted to opiates, benzos, and amphetamines. 

And we just fell in love in the process, and yeah he’s a lovely person and, he thinks the same of me. Are we soul mates? I mean fuck, who knows but, we had something nice and, if that continues hey, that’d be cool af. But if it doesn’t, I’m also cool. I had to pretty much accept that and it’s been a process but yeah, i just. Know how these things go. Not an idiot. 

I feel like i was really just meant to be in his life at this time because funny enough, he was going to leave rehab with a friend and i told him no. I would pick him up when i got back from Chicago. And i literally saved his life by doing that, his friend that left rehab he was intending to leave with, got in a deadly car accident. Didn’t even make it home dude. 

How crazy is that. But yeah the whole thing is amazing what I managed to pull off for him. I had to pull some major strings to pull this shit off for him, and I put my own ass on the line, but I remained patient and calm with the process and was understanding cuz dude, I’ve been there. I know all this shit like the back of my hand. 

So we’re leaving the rehab and he’s refusing to go to treatment at first you know. Freaking the fuck out. Yelling and saying “let me out let me out” and I just sat there calmly and listened to him talk. And then we kept talking. Let him go for a walk, gave him his time to smoke and think. He gets back in the car. 

I gave him the numbers for treatment again. Calmly encouraged him. Now the answer was maybe.... 

I stayed with him the rest of that night. Talking about it. I told him it’s his responsibility, but the life you have waiting for you is not worth it. You don’t want to go through detox like this again. 

The rehab said his detox was so incredibly difficult and they had never seen someone as in bad of shape as he was. They said if I hadn’t intervened in his life when I did he probably would of died from the detox in Jail or on the street. Like they literally put it, “we’ve never seen someone as badly addicted as this.” Just as far as like, the extent and the amount and the length of time and just the variety of substances and everything. 

And I’m just laughing because, when i was in his position three four years ago, I was worse off than him. I was actually worse. HAH. In every possible way. Mentally, physically, extent of addiction, etc. I was actually, worse. LOL 

So to me, this was not a big deal but, to them it was an unusual case. For me, it’s what I’ve been looking for. I sit in NA’s and rehabs talking to people and while I can find threads to relate on- there is a whole diff type of addict honestly. Like there is, “yeah i had a pill problem...” and “yeah I’m an alkie i drank too much and lost my kids” kind of addicts mostly. And then there are street junkies. You have to understand the severity of which we are fucfked up and the roughness of what we’ve had to go through mentally, physically, etc. You’re just neurologically different. Because of ptsd and got knows what else fuckery going on with you. And there is so much else going on.... 

I struggle to relate to “normal” people though, I’ve gotten better with time. And I myself have been fortunate enough to become more normal. There was a time where I genuinely believed that was impossible. Impossible. 

I was in a place so dark I didn’t think treatment could fix me. My friend at least had hope for his life, motivation and will to live, move forward. Actually desired to get clean and change things. I didn’t even have that much going for me when I was lucky enough to be baker acted from suicide attempt numero dos. 

And even after all that treatment, i attempted again. And had to go back in. For a second treatment. And then a third. 

Then I went through about two more years of hell with pure depression. Even with meds and all that treatment and all these therapists and doctors and all this support system. Even after two staged interventions I still just was too fucked up. 

It wasn’t until I overdosed a third fucking time that year, and had been hospitalized maybe fucking idk 6 times? from health complications, that i actually woke the fuck up. 

And the treatment started clicking. 

And i realized ok, I’m done with this. I really am. 

And even after making that decision i still COULDN’T be done and had to KEEP trying to be done. At least i wanted it now but thats just half the battle. Staying clean is a whole diff journey. I became committed. Then i flaked. Fucked up. Recommitted. Fucked up agvain. And again. And again. And again. And again. 

And yeah, here i am now. I’m clean. Doing IOP. Doing therapy. Still doing treatment for PTSD. Still going to NA meetings daily. Still working the steps. Still doing service. Still learning like... still figuring this out. 

It’s been four years, since the first baker act when i tried to really kill myself the second time in my life. 

And leading up to that point my life had been a reckless chaotic mess. 

And that is where my friend is at right now. He is just taking his first step away from the reckless chaotic mess toward finding normalcy. 

For me it’s taken four years just to become remotely clean, stable, functional, normal.

Feathers said: 

PRAY

 KEK you just can't help yourself

And i still feel like what I’ve done is a grain of salt compared to all the work I have left to do on myself. 

Four fucking years, of intense, just, so much work. So much... shit. And still, alllllll of that. A grain, of salt. Man. 

So what I’m saying is, my friend. You know, he’s got a wayyyyys to go. And he’s going to transform. 

just like i did. 

People say i seem more like my old self again. But a little older and wiser than before. You know. 

Which yeah, i would agree with. There was a time where i was so dark my identity was just gone. No concept of who i even was. My personality was just erased. And i was a shell of who i was really like, just a walking, fucking shadow it sounds edgy but like i was so fucking gone its like all the lights were off. 

And it was a gradual process waking up and just all the sensation coming back and become human and become alive and like yeah, assimilating into the world i had become so far from while in active addiction. The functional adult world of normalcy. I couldn’t get it at first you know cuz i was too broken to participate. I had to heal a lot before I could become a part again and before i could come to know myself and feel again. It all came together slowly. 

and that’s how it will be for him. 

And yeah so this past few days was rough on me mentally, emotionally. Just processing everything that’s been happening, within myself, and in my life, my relationships, my future, my mental health, etc. managing my thoughts and emotions. Processing everything that’s happening and you know, figuring out what to do from here for myself really. Coming to terms with the fact he’s leaving. Coming to terms with a lot of things for myself as well. 

like continuing help. For all those reasons. 

And yeah... it’s Been up and down and a process so thats why it’s been like “sad” ok “happy again” “ok sad again” “ok I’m depressed and want to die” its just been like that. The process of processing it all and reaching my conclusions and acceptance. There was like denial, then (depression hopelessness despair suicidality), bargaining, then acceptance. 

But it wasn’t just about him going away it was also about my own self and having to move forward with my own life and realizing you know i have some problems to address still. That i need to focus on. 

So thats good i feel at least a sense of direction with what i can work on in therapy. Talking about trauma was getting old... i know there was more to it but I just couldn’t access it. I had blocked it off but now its very exposed so thats good. At first it was fragile and thats why i wanted to end it cuz the pain i had suppressed all came to the surface and u just wanna do anything to make it stop but 

you know i got my head on straight about it and realize i need to just continue getting help. With that. So i can yeah, get past it or manage it better or whatever. Wrap my head around it differently. So i dont let it consume me. 

So yay for therapy i guess. 

Awnd i stiww feew wike whawt i’ve done iws a gwain of sawt compawed tuwu aww the wowk i have weft tuwu duwu own mysewf.

fouw fucking yeaws, of intense, juwst, so much wowk. So much... shit. Awnd stiww, awwwwwww of thawt. A gwain, of sawt. Man.

so whawt i’m saying iws, my fwiend. Uwu know, he’s got a wayyyyys tuwu gow. Awnd he’s going tuwu twansfowm.

juwst wike i did.

peopwe say i seem mowe wike my owd sewf again. But a wittwe owdew awnd wisew than befowe. Uwu know.

which yeah, i wouwd agwee with. Thewe was a time whewe i was so dawk my identity was juwst gone. No concept of who i even was. My pewsonawity was juwst ewased. Awnd i was a sheww of who i was weawwy wike, juwst a wawking, fucking shadow iwt sounds edgy but wike i was so fucking gone its wike aww the wights wewe off.

awnd iwt was a gwaduaw pwocess waking up awnd juwst aww the sensation coming bawck awnd become human awnd become awive awnd wike yeah, assimiwating intwo the wowwd i had become so faw fwom whiwe in active addiction. The functionaw aduwt wowwd of nowmawcy. I couwdn’t get iwt at fiwst uwu know cuz i was too bwoken tuwu pawticipate. I had tuwu heaw a wot befowe i couwd become a pawt again awnd befowe i couwd come tuwu know mysewf awnd feew again. Iwt aww came togethew swowwy.

awnd that’s how iwt wiww be fow him.

awnd yeah so thiws past few days was wough own me mentawwy, emotionawwy. Juwst pwocessing evewything that’s bewn happening, within mysewf, awnd in my wife, my wewationships, my futuwe, my mentaw heawth, etc. managing my thoughts awnd emotions. Pwocessing evewything that’s happening awnd uwu know, figuwing out whawt tuwu duwu fwom hewe fow mysewf weawwy. Coming tuwu tewms with the fact he’s weaving. Coming tuwu tewms with a wot of things fow mysewf as weww.

wike continuing hewp. Fow aww those weasons.

awnd yeah... it’s bewn up awnd down awnd a pwocess so thats why it’s bewn wike “sad” ok “happy again” “ok sad again” “ok i’m depwessed awnd wawnt tuwu die” its juwst bewn wike thawt. The pwocess of pwocessing iwt aww awnd weaching my concwusions awnd acceptance. Thewe was wike deniaw, then (depwession hopewessness despaiw suicidawity), bawgaining, then acceptance.

but iwt wasn’t juwst abouwt him going away iwt was awso abouwt my own sewf awnd having tuwu move fowwawd with my own wife awnd weawizing uwu know i have sowme pwobwems tuwu addwess stiww. Thawt i need tuwu focus own.

so thats good i feew at weast a sense of diwection with whawt i cawn wowk own in thewapy. Tawking abouwt twauma was getting owd... i know thewe was mowe tuwu iwt but i juwst couwdn’t access iwt. I had bwocked iwt off but now its vewy exposed so thats good. At fiwst iwt was fwagiwe awnd thats why i wanted tuwu end iwt cuz the pain i had suppwessed aww came tuwu the suwface awnd u juwst wanna duwu anything tuwu make iwt stowp but

uwu know i got my head own stwaight abouwt iwt awnd weawize i need tuwu juwst continue getting hewp. With thawt. So i cawn yeah, get past iwt ow manage iwt bettew ow whatevew. Wwap my head awound iwt diffewentwy. So i dont wet iwt consume me.

so yay fow thewapy i guess.

Xadem said: 

Awnd i stiww feew wike whawt i’ve done iws a gwain of sawt compawed tuwu aww the wowk i have weft tuwu duwu own mysewf.

fouw fucking yeaws, of intense, juwst, so much wowk. So much... shit. Awnd stiww, awwwwwww of thawt. A gwain, of sawt. Man.

so whawt i’m saying iws, my fwiend. Uwu know, he’s got a wayyyyys tuwu gow. Awnd he’s going tuwu twansfowm.

juwst wike i did.

peopwe say i seem mowe wike my owd sewf again. But a wittwe owdew awnd wisew than befowe. Uwu know.

which yeah, i wouwd agwee with. Thewe was a time whewe i was so dawk my identity was juwst gone. No concept of who i even was. My pewsonawity was juwst ewased. Awnd i was a sheww of who i was weawwy wike, juwst a wawking, fucking shadow iwt sounds edgy but wike i was so fucking gone its wike aww the wights wewe off.

awnd iwt was a gwaduaw pwocess waking up awnd juwst aww the sensation coming bawck awnd become human awnd become awive awnd wike yeah, assimiwating intwo the wowwd i had become so faw fwom whiwe in active addiction. The functionaw aduwt wowwd of nowmawcy. I couwdn’t get iwt at fiwst uwu know cuz i was too bwoken tuwu pawticipate. I had tuwu heaw a wot befowe i couwd become a pawt again awnd befowe i couwd come tuwu know mysewf awnd feew again. Iwt aww came togethew swowwy.

awnd that’s how iwt wiww be fow him.

awnd yeah so thiws past few days was wough own me mentawwy, emotionawwy. Juwst pwocessing evewything that’s bewn happening, within mysewf, awnd in my wife, my wewationships, my futuwe, my mentaw heawth, etc. managing my thoughts awnd emotions. Pwocessing evewything that’s happening awnd uwu know, figuwing out whawt tuwu duwu fwom hewe fow mysewf weawwy. Coming tuwu tewms with the fact he’s weaving. Coming tuwu tewms with a wot of things fow mysewf as weww.

wike continuing hewp. Fow aww those weasons.

awnd yeah... it’s bewn up awnd down awnd a pwocess so thats why it’s bewn wike “sad” ok “happy again” “ok sad again” “ok i’m depwessed awnd wawnt tuwu die” its juwst bewn wike thawt. The pwocess of pwocessing iwt aww awnd weaching my concwusions awnd acceptance. Thewe was wike deniaw, then (depwession hopewessness despaiw suicidawity), bawgaining, then acceptance.

but iwt wasn’t juwst abouwt him going away iwt was awso abouwt my own sewf awnd having tuwu move fowwawd with my own wife awnd weawizing uwu know i have sowme pwobwems tuwu addwess stiww. Thawt i need tuwu focus own.

so thats good i feew at weast a sense of diwection with whawt i cawn wowk own in thewapy. Tawking abouwt twauma was getting owd... i know thewe was mowe tuwu iwt but i juwst couwdn’t access iwt. I had bwocked iwt off but now its vewy exposed so thats good. At fiwst iwt was fwagiwe awnd thats why i wanted tuwu end iwt cuz the pain i had suppwessed aww came tuwu the suwface awnd u juwst wanna duwu anything tuwu make iwt stowp but

 

uwu know i got my head own stwaight abouwt iwt awnd weawize i need tuwu juwst continue getting hewp. With thawt. So i cawn yeah, get past iwt ow manage iwt bettew ow whatevew. Wwap my head awound iwt diffewentwy. So i dont wet iwt consume me.

so yay fow thewapy i guess.

 kek

And just to clearify how we met, we’ve actually gone to the same elementary school then high school, we had the same art and history class and i was trying to sell some adderall i got so i offered it to him in art class 

oh yeah and we had the same English class too and apparently we worked on a project together idk and like we talked a little in history class 

and then one day i overheard him talking about pot brownies in his locker his friend got him and so i sat by him to ask if i could have one or two 

and then after i graduated he asked me to hang with him which apparently i did like five times he said we dated partied and made out a lot i remember him inviting me to parties and i remember asking him for drugs but like, us hanging out was a blur and i honestly have zero recollection of it because i was blacked out every single time 

but yeah then four years later we reconvened because, apparently he’d been hitting me up on facebook and stuff for a while but i just kind of passed it off because i had too much shit going on idk but yeah i was looking for drugs again and had deleted all my contacts trying to stay clean so i had to resort to just asking around 

and he met up with me and helped me out thru a friend of his and then he was like low key flirting and then a few days later he asked me on a date and we just became inseparable after that 

I bet you couldn't even internalize what Xad said

its ok to be a basic boring white girl with no interesting features blanc, you dont have to try so hard to seem unique

Tryptamine said: 

I bet you couldn't even internalize what Xad said

 That's precisely why she deserves no sympathy.

Despite her claims, I think I've made a lot of progress assisting blanc.