Help - 1 - Sociopath Community

Blanc · 2019-10-04T04:06:39.7400000

:( idk what’s wrong but I feel like reality isn’t real again 😐 last time this happened I did some reckless shit whys this happening?

feeling a little better today as I hoped would happen.

sometimes going to sleep is a reset button for me

I feel uh.. fragile still though like, the slightest pressure could just tip me back over the edge into where I was yesterday.

no mans land

sort of place

but uh...

it was bad uhm.. I'm going to seek help about it because I want that to stop happening

I told my mom what happened this morning, don't know why I couldn't in the moment when it was happening, I didn't even think to do that for some reason. my brain told me I couldn't for whatever reason, I don't remember what those reasons were.

but yeah, I feel a little more grounded and stable now so... I could like, formulate the words calmly to explain what happened.

this has happened before so I just told her that thing that happened before, happened again.

she told me to see my therapist about it.

but yeah uh... I just don't really know what's going on anymore lol but, I don't feel in the place to like

I think I really need to hardcore work on my mental health :/ I don't know what the exact problem is and I don't have perfect oversight of myself or insight to what's going on inside myself. ya know I can't explain and understand everything perfectly, I can't remember shit half the time which I why I write everything down.

but something needs to change I know that.. I know I'm supposed to be getting better... I just don't even really know what's "wrong"

so yeah just have to unpack everything I guess with a professional and hope for the best.

yesterday my mind was telling me things like, not to trust the professionals and t hat it's all bull shit so.

I have a demon in my head I'm not kidding and that demon is like a really sick twisted version of depression that will do and say *anything* to manipulate me to remain far from seeing the truth, or the light.. and from getting better. like it really, wants to destroy me.

it's hard not to believe it when it's saying things to me like, I'm used to getting a few little thoughts through out the day and I became powerful enough lately to overcome them.

and then yesterday it like flared up x100 of what I normally have and went petal to the metal with it's shit. and was like, constantly in my head just bad thoughts, so many bad thoughts to the point I couldn't get a word in edge wise. you feel me. totally clouded my entire mind in darkness.

I've been even *worse* than that before, so that's why I didn't like try to kill myself over it. I was like meh, I've seen worse this will probably pass. I wasn't totally out of my mind. I was still aware enough to be able to go, "this isn't real" you know?

"this is just mental illness"

but when you're *really really bad* you don't even have the ability to see out of it like that.

but yeah so that was happening ontop of the dissociation and panic attacks/anxiety.

so all in all, I was completely losing my mind yesterday, and it really feels like it. and I still, like, it still residually affects you.

and afterwards is when you get the saddest about it because you feel defective. broken. crazy.

like you're always gonna be stuck with this the rest of your life. like it'll never really get better.

today I feel fine but, who knows when I could have another "episode" like this, ya know.

and the prospect of having to live with it. these giants in my head that speak to me on a daily basis, anxiety and depression. it's, completely debilitating.

in every facet of your life. so... it makes you just wanna fold. kill yourself.

all the bad things it has to say about you, it forces you to believe. ontop of, all the other negative thoughts.

just leads you straight to suicide every time. sometimes it's so heightened, you feel like your mind is physically breaking from the stress of what's going on inside you and around you, you feel like your splitting apart like... your brain is just.. literally coming apart

and you'll do anything to make it all stop because it gets so overwhelming. sometimes it gets so bad you lose complete control, which hasn't happened to me in a long time but, it's why I'm on medication.

before meds I would become so dissociated my body was ding things while I just watched myself, watched my hands. and I was hurting myself because I wanted out. of what I was experiencing I wanted to make it stop. I wanted control back and I couldn't make any of it stop. this was before I got psychological help as well, now there are methods I have of dealing with this.

but yeah, I just wasn't "feeling myself" in the *least* yesterday.

it was really bad and, now I realize like.... when is this going to happen again? it seems like it didn't take much for it to happen.

I really think I should have a prescription of benzo's on hand just for instances like this where I'm in real danger, in a severe situation like this. just to make it stop.

so I don't do something else to make it stop.

that's the only like, solution I have, when my normal coping mechanisms aren't working.

*normally* they do. but, yesterday, it was like *fucked* I was over the deep end. like, nothing worked. nothing.

I was out of my mind. nothing was helping like it normally could because I was dissociating so hard from reality like, nothing could make that go away or "bring me back down"

to earth.

lol, but. Benzos do.

I'm just really broken up about all of this now, I feel pretty sad about having had a mental breakdown because it means that I'm not capable of the things I thought I was yet. I'm not in the mental place I thought I was. I'm not better. and it's really disheartening to feel like your back at square one when you thought you'd come so much farther.

I hope I can get get a grip and defeat this shit so I can have my life back, for good.

right now it's like, I can pretend like I have it back but, I'm not, all the way better so it's a totally different experience. like, pretending vs. actually having it. sanity.

um... and yeah I'm prone to breakdowns like this which makes me fragile and.. scared. I don't know when the next one will happen or what will trigger it.

I don't know when I'm going to "lose myself" again like this...so I try to avoid stressors like work and school. apparently, those are major ones for me.

I'm just not in the place for that right now like I thought I was. I always *think* I'm fine. Until I walk face first into a trigger, and then all the sudden. boom, *not fine* lol

I think I'm not fine all the time though and when you're *really* not fine it's hard to take note of because it's hard to step outside of it and see yourself, but when you're more calm and grounded on a day to day average basis, I can denote the things going on in my head and be like, "yeah, that's not normal." "that's not a healthy thought." "why don't we go work out." you know? like, I'm capable of managing myself and recognizing the parts of myself that are unhealthy and going, "yeah that's not right"

but when I'm really *not right* it's a lot harder to recognize and explain with words, out loud to someone else, or on paper or in any fashion how I'm not right