Bohemian Rhapsody said:And these days, I can't kick the habit of being reactive. The urge is so strong.
I respect you a bunch more now over this statement alone.
I didn't think you were really seeing it. Is any of this related to meds?
They will never love you like they used to. They will never forgive you for your behavior. It's futile, now, see that guy who just said something negative about you? Put him in his place. They will not see you as you want them to no matter what, so fuck it. Give em hell.
To be honest I'd just advise that you put less pressure on yourself about this place. You don't have to be the king, and with that need absent you'll find yourself able to dig out of the hole.
"Those who speak do not know, those who know do not speak." Once you don't have to prove that you're a king anymore, then you can become one. If other people speak of your accomplishments, it means something, but if you have to say it out of some sort of appetite, then it has the opposite effect.
Dunning Krugger also shows that those with less confidence are the ones who often know more: 
These kinds of crisis are how you grow, how you can learn to tolerate doubt instead of lacking the tenacity to handle it. Days like this bring you that much closer to hitting a proper Existential Crisis. Learn to embrace your doubts, for that's when you allow yourself to ask real questions. After so long with doubt, it feels more familiar and won't cloud your vision in the same ways, instead exercising itself as poise and caution, as self-control, as awareness of your states that can be steered from within through it's familiarity.
The cost was not worth it. I apologise to those I began randomly attacking for this. I hope I can continue to make content for you all and we can get over the shit this past year.
Damn you even said "sorry", that's different.
How long do you think you'll be able to keep your grips about you?
