This is not an easy topic to make. To say all the things I regret over the past year is heavy on me because there is honestly a lot of things. I never would have thought I would be in this place a year again, I feel like I've lost a lot of my friends and nobody respects me anymore. Even when I try to make the same kinds of things, people don't respond well because it was me who made it. It's like they see a totally different person, and maybe they really do. I am a lot more bitter now. Those days were before Waltz and Luna and everybody tried to out my wife, before I exploded and turned all my friends into enemies over that, and since then all I encounter is negativity here from the same people who used to say the best things about me. There are people I regret attacking- Xad, Scar, Inq, TPG, Alice. I waged a scorched Earth war because I was angry and it was not worth it. And these days, I can't kick the habit of being reactive. The urge is so strong. I try to be courteous and act like I did, but I still encounter negativity then the inner monologue begins-
They will never love you like they used to. They will never forgive you for your behavior. It's futile, now, see that guy who just said something negative about you? Put him in his place. They will not see you as you want them to no matter what, so fuck it. Give em hell.
And then I snap and go off and wage more war until I'm in an even worse off place. I want to stop and reforge what I used to have but the urge to retaliate is just too strong. I know if I ignore the negativity for awhile and just do what I enjoy creatively I will see improvement but the short term satisfaction of fighting with those who criticized me often proves too alluring because I am mad and wish I never had ever acted the way I did over one guy doxxing my wife in a YouTube channel but come on, I love her so much and I saw people hurting her when she has been such a wonderful person and it made me not able to think, I just wanted vengeance at all costs. The cost was not worth it. I apologise to those I began randomly attacking for this. I hope I can continue to make content for you all and we can get over the shit this past year.
