I came here with one goal and one goal only; to shake things up. I wanted to be hailed as the best by everybody, to be respected and held up as the highest standard of what a user ought to be. To be admired by all and seen as the wisest of the bunch, unquestioned and unopposed.
They say shoot for the sky, and maybe you will at least hit a tree branch, and I lived by that advice. The issue arose when I actually did reach something close to the sky.
Initially the road to my goal was rocky, ridden with the usual obstacles and rites of passage a new member must pass, and I did so with flying colors. I dealt with adversaries, and defeated them with grace. I was attacked by some, but not for any good reason, and they were soon dispatched handily by my well-crafted responses. I shitposted and occasionally, I did a real post, and the whole time, I remained very aloof relative to everyone else. Eventually I began making posts of a higher quality that gained more traction than my early ones did. Channeling the methods of youtube channels I had watched for years, I made thread after thread, and put in titles that were hard to resist clicking on. I became the master of getting people interested in what I had to say. I was put on lists of favorite users by people, nobody had a bad word about me, and I had shaken things up. In a sense, I had kind of touched the sky.
The problem is, I fucked it up. My biggest mistake was breaking my aloof image. Even while I made the best posts, I still had managed to project a certain untouchability. But over time, the image I had garnered made me feel a little TOO invincible, and consequently I got a little too comfortable, and this led me to do things like reveal my autism spectrum disorder and talk about my personal life a little TOO MUCH. I also made the mistake of betraying anger one too many times. I had a few freakouts over things like delora's cx stream, the senate campaign I was in ended with a near breakup and a public explosion from me. Cracks were showing on my unbreakable image. Then, a video about me and her was made by a user here, and I lashed out in a rage for months on end, delivering the deathblow to my character.
I am a perfectionist, and being one, I hold the belief that we only get one real chance with people. How much it takes to blow it, of course, depends on the person but overall it is one strike, you're out. Fuck up once and it will never truly forgotten, and this is why you must learn to be impeccable. I believe the same applies to groups. The image you cultivate is a sumnation of an infinite series of behaviors, not just a snapshot of the present. I may have been once adored and respected for my high quality threads, but even if I went back to that mode of being, I know that I will never achieve the image of invincibility I once had; the one I had the ultimate goal of keeping indefinitely, and with this in mind.... I am finding it very hard to even want to stay in this community, let alone try to be like I used to be.
I had my shot at perfection, and I blew it. I'm not sure if I even care to strive for anything less of it. The way I see it, I am no longer appreciated here. Nobody here likes talking to me, I am constantly called a narcissist and autist. It just isn't fun anymore, not the same. I miss the old times but know my image will never return to that past state that made those times so nice, and so I am a bit nihilistic now in the sense that I see my time here as meaningless. I should probably just find another forum to go onto, and learn from my mistakes. Never again can I expose weakness, I must control my temper, I must not react to anything, I must project wisdom and power and output quality, and if I waver I must leave and find a new place, and someday I will achieve this status I seek. I know I will. I will never give up, I'll never fade away, I will achieve my goals and nothing will stop me. SC was just a failure to learn from and I will use it to hone myself to be perfect.
This I am sure of.
