Why a hammer?
It’s the heaviest. A nice high impact smack. It would feel fucking great
Interesting, you want it to be done in one blow and you want it to have heft?
A lot of people prefer blades or "a bullet" for their melodrama, a hammer says something different.
But yeah I did a shit ton of therapy and work on myself and those things I have leavened and the support I surrounded myself with made my life better
and I moved out but
this week just being around them has been hard hard hard
I’m insanely grateful for the opportunities isve had because of my parents but at the same time I have to keep my distance from them because they also negligently harm me
and refuse to educate themselves to a level of tolerance and understanding for me
it’s like they have some sort of personality disorder and they just won’t bend or break on it, it’s not possible to sit down and say “hey I don’t wanna be treated this way” the issue can’t be discussed
Because they’re ignorant and delusional. It’s unfortunate. I don’t want to be mean, but they reallt could use... some help in these areas. But until they are capable of reflecting on themselves and having that kind of self awareness, it’s barely possible. Their eyes are completely, completely shut.
i tried years ago to talk to them, for a very long time and it’s part of what broke me was believeing it was my ultimate responsibility to make them better.
Its like talking in another language, it just goes in one ear and out the other. They have no empathy or consideration or compassion for me. None. And,
I cant make them better. Nothing has changed. Nothing. Not in 2001, and not now in 2019. Not for me, not for anybody.
Its really toxic, and I’m not even allowed to say it.
It sounds like it'll never go anywhere. Are you completely self-sufficient from them? If so, it might be best to just cut all ties with them, but I understand if that in of itself could be deemed stressful because you might feel like the bad guy, but really you aren't. They seem to be torturing you and expecting you to meet their standards, when really it isn't your job to do so. It sounds like you have been reasonable and that they are the ones causing most of the issues. I hope your day gets better. I don't entirely know how to help you, but I hope that one day you'll find a solution to the problem.
Everything going on here lately just takes me back to a moment in my childhood where they just wouldn’t stop screaming at me and hurting me and I just had no control and I couldn’t make it stop they couldn’t be reasoned with you know
all I could do was just run to my room and slam my door shut while they followed me and they tried to get in from the other side budging the door open and I’m just pressing it shut while they’re screaming at me from the other side saying all sort of horrible things
and I just kept saying “STOP STOP STOP STOP PLEASE STOP STOP STOP STOP” I must of said it thirty two times and it was just incessant banging on my door shoving it open and trying to get to me
I just wanted to be left alone because I knew they were going to continue to hurt me if I didn’t make it stop and I was begging for it to just stop. Like maybe if I held them off long enough from the other side of that door they’d just go away and I could be left alone and have a break.
But they wouldnt give up and I finally just punched a hole in my door after I let up because I couldn’t hold it down anymore and I just had this insane amount of rage because it’s like when people won’t leave you alone you know it’s really a frustrating emotion
like imagine someone incessantly poking you with a needle and no matter what you do it won’t stop. It’s not possible to stop. And I lived my entire life under that sort of duress. It’s abuse. I just wanted to be left alone. It’s all I wanted.
In one last effort to regain some sense of control and make everything stop, I just screamed into the floor as long and as loud as I could. To the point that I was shaking.
And it worked. I just took another breath and kept screaming into the floor as long and as loud as I could and I did it for a very long time to purposefully punish them and annoy them
it was my way of finally hurting them back by just filling the house with the loudest most annoying scream
and all the wanted me to do was stop but I refused just like they refused to stop hurting me
and I just kept screaming and screaming and it made them not touch me or bother me anymore. They went away. They left me alone. To scream into the floor like a defective alarm clock lol
Eventually I couldn’t breath anymore and I just crouched down on my knees and curled into a ball and stayed like that on the floor, I think I evtnaully laid on the floor in a fetal position.
I used to do that a lot as a child after like abusive situations went on, I don’t know why but I laid on my floor a lot whenever I was deeply upset about something.
Basicallt if if I was laying on the floor it meant “I no longer can function and am going to dissociate into space for the next eight hours because this is all very overwhelming and I’m going to just completely shut down now” because whatever is happening is bad wnd I can’t handle it. So I’m just going to, merp. I am broken today please return tomorrow for non-fetal position responsiveness.
It was also also a deep feeling of like apathy and depression that would set in after things like that’s would happen because I felt very alone I think. Bottom of the world, woe is me type of shit. It’s just hard to be positive when you live in a prison and your parents beat the shit out you.
But eventually I did have to learn how to be.
I guess there does come a point though where you just can’t take it all anymore and you sort of snap
but it wasn’t purely their fault it was a culmination of things
But anyway because I’ve surpasses that breaking point where I went from just taking it to like full on not taking it anymore
I got woke about it
lol
like its it’s harder to bear because I’m less numb to it and not I want to stand up for myself and I want to fight back etc because at some point I became woke enlightened enough to realize I wasn’t going to let anyone treat me like this ever again
Everything going on here lately just takes me back to a moment in my childhood where they just wouldn’t stop screaming at me and hurting me and I just had no control and I couldn’t make it stop they couldn’t be reasoned with you know
all I could do was just run to my room and slam my door shut while they followed me and they tried to get in from the other side budging the door open and I’m just pressing it shut while they’re screaming at me from the other side saying all sort of horrible things
and I just kept saying “STOP STOP STOP STOP PLEASE STOP STOP STOP STOP” I must of said it thirty two times and it was just incessant banging on my door shoving it open and trying to get to me
I just wanted to be left alone because I knew they were going to continue to hurt me if I didn’t make it stop and I was begging for it to just stop. Like maybe if I held them off long enough from the other side of that door they’d just go away and I could be left alone and have a break.
But they wouldnt give up and I finally just punched a hole in my door after I let up because I couldn’t hold it down anymore and I just had this insane amount of rage because it’s like when people won’t leave you alone you know it’s really a frustrating emotion
like imagine someone incessantly poking you with a needle and no matter what you do it won’t stop. It’s not possible to stop. And I lived my entire life under that sort of duress. It’s abuse. I just wanted to be left alone. It’s all I wanted.
In one last effort to regain some sense of control and make everything stop, I just screamed into the floor as long and as loud as I could. To the point that I was shaking.
And it worked. I just took another breath and kept screaming into the floor as long and as loud as I could and I did it for a very long time to purposefully punish them and annoy them
it was my way of finally hurting them back by just filling the house with the loudest most annoying scream
and all the wanted me to do was stop but I refused just like they refused to stop hurting me
and I just kept screaming and screaming and it made them not touch me or bother me anymore. They went away. They left me alone. To scream into the floor like a defective alarm clock lol
Eventually I couldn’t breath anymore and I just crouched down on my knees and curled into a ball and stayed like that on the floor, I think I evtnaully laid on the floor in a fetal position.
I used to do that a lot as a child after like abusive situations went on, I don’t know why but I laid on my floor a lot whenever I was deeply upset about something.
Basicallt if if I was laying on the floor it meant “I no longer can function and am going to dissociate into space for the next eight hours because this is all very overwhelming and I’m going to just completely shut down now” because whatever is happening is bad wnd I can’t handle it. So I’m just going to, merp. I am broken today please return tomorrow for non-fetal position responsiveness.
It was also also a deep feeling of like apathy and depression that would set in after things like that’s would happen because I felt very alone I think. Bottom of the world, woe is me type of shit. It’s just hard to be positive when you live in a prison and your parents beat the shit out you.
But eventually I did have to learn how to be.
It's a shame that had to happen with you. I wouldn't probably killed my parents after so long of that if I were you. Like I said, I hope you find a solution to your problem. I don't know how much of a grasp they hold over you, but I would try to become as self-reliant as possible, and just cut off connections to them.
I used to be super suicidal and depressed over fuck ups in my own life, and I'd have breakdowns a lot and I became apathetic during those periods. Over time it got worse and worse, until one day I woke up mostly numb, and I've been this way ever since. While my family wasn't abusive like yours. I have had my issues and continue to have issues with mine, but not to the extreme of yours.
Yes that is what my therapists all suggested I do and they helped me work toward that and like get healthy enough to even manage that from the state I was in and everything
they really put me back together but I was a broken egg for sure when I first turned up in some mental hospital trying to “end it all” lol
doing much better now and am working and fairly self reliant, living on my own etc. my goal is to be 100% financially independent by 26.
But yeah I was just staying with them this week for a trip that was planned. I always regret going on these trips and I know not to do them but this time I went for my mom because her dad died recently this year and I felt bad for bailing on her surrounding a trip that was important to her.
But ince again I’m being considerate for a person that doesn’t have the same emotional type of consideration for me or fulfill emotional needs for me
I have a habit of winding up in relationships with these type of people as well. Disconnected and emotionally flighty unreliable or detached. Yep. Emotionally unavailable.
Yes that is what my therapists all suggested I do and they helped me work toward that and like get healthy enough to even manage that from the state I was in and everything
they really put me back together but I was a broken egg for sure when I first turned up in some mental hospital trying to “end it all” lol
doing much better now and am working and fairly self reliant, my goal is to be 100% financially independent by 26.
Well that's good. I have faith in your ability.
