Sociopath Community

Blanc said: 

you ever just wanna beat yourself with a hammer 

 

its just one of those days 

 ya trying to code my bot is making me feel like a retard i keep getting stuck and wanting to punch myself or my computer or tryptamine or just anything really

Why a hammer? 

Glad I’m not alone in my suffering

Turncoat said: 

Why a hammer? 

 It’s the heaviest. A nice high impact smack. It would feel fucking great

whenever my mom gets too stressed out she starts punching herself or she will say things like “god I just wanna beat myself with a hammer” and it’s meant to be funny 

so it’s just a phrase of speech I’ve adopted to express my discontent with my current situation with humor

Basically on the way back from nasa, my mom said something to me for the 80th time and I just couldn’t take it anymore 

on top of staying with my parents for four days now, it’s just really wearing me down. It’s very difficult for me.

on top of that I’m fighting my own panic attacks and depression etc, my own internal battles and stresses. 

I dont need their shit too, I don’t have room to handle it. They stress me out because I have to constantly make them feel better while they don’t have that same consideration or respect for me as a human being *at all* 

basically I’m a door mat. 

Finallt after four days of everything combined just created a perfect storm for wearing me down to nothing and I snapped back. 

I just went off on my mom a bit... it’s a lot to explain. It’s yearsnof background reallt going into all of it but just this week alone has been stressful enough on its own 

And then this issue she kept pressing me about, it’s like, something reallt deep seated in its nature and then there was also a nagging incessant element to it 

And then also having to please my mom and make her feel better while she harasses me about this insecurity constantly 

and I just snapped and told her to stop it 

and set a boundary there 

and yeah it makes me look bad in their eyes and it makes them like me less, even love me less. It makes them treat me differently. I won’t be rewarded for that behavior in the slightest. They’ll hold it against me forever now. 

All because I stood up for myself and was doing really the right thing for myself but at the same time its the wrong thing to them because everything is fucking backward with them 

they have their own deluded ways of being and I’m expected to adhere to this even though it’s just insane 

I’m not allowed to have my own ways or opinions or say anything or speak up and it just drives me nuts inside 

like it really lights a fire in me that I don’t know how to deal with and its just pure rage

It makes me sad though because when bottled rage doesn’t go outward it goes inward and turns into sadness and self destruction 

it’s called rage turned inward 

it’s like also coupled with the idea when you don’t have any control over anything in your life happening to you sometimes just to feel that sense of control it resorts to restrictive eating and serious eating disorders or addiction to self harm 

thats what rage turned inward inward looks like 

but for the most part no one really sees it and they have no idea what I put up with or what I go through and no one cares either, and that just makes me apathetic and depressed about the world 

it’s just a triggering time for me to be around my parents in regards to old thought patterns that led me down a road of pure mental illness- depression, suicidality and severe anxiety 

But yeah I did a shit ton of therapy and work on myself and those things I have leavened and the support I surrounded myself with made my life better 

and I moved out but 

this week just being around them has been hard hard hard 

I’m insanely grateful for the opportunities isve had because of my parents but at the same time I have to keep my distance from them because they also negligently harm me 

and refuse to educate themselves to a level of tolerance and understanding for me 

it’s like they have some sort of personality disorder and they just won’t bend or break on it, it’s not possible to sit down and say “hey I don’t wanna be treated this way” the issue can’t be discussed 

Because they’re ignorant and delusional. It’s unfortunate. I don’t want to be mean, but they reallt could use... some help in these areas. But until they are capable of reflecting on themselves and having that kind of self awareness, it’s barely possible. Their eyes are completely, completely shut. 

i tried years ago to talk to them, for a very long time and it’s part of what broke me was believeing it was my ultimate responsibility to make them better. 

Its like talking in another language, it just goes in one ear and out the other. They have no empathy or consideration or compassion for me. None. And, 

I cant make them better. Nothing has changed. Nothing. Not in 2001, and not now in 2019. Not for me, not for anybody. 

Its really toxic, and I’m not even allowed to say it.