Lately I've suffered some setbacks and it's gotten me to evaluate my life choices. I talk a lot about my successes and personal character struggles, but Ive left a lot of my professional and love life out of here on purpose. However, I feel like I'm at a stage where I should seriously choose if I want to pursue something different.
More specifically, most of the last 3-4 years I've felt like I've been swimming upstream. You know where you keep pushing for something and you see small changes in hopes of changing the current. Because I was exhausted, I spent around 6 months swimming with the stream, and much of it collapsed.
Ive been building "systems" to keep everything on track. So, for example, one of my goals right now is to build a good research environment. It's however notoriously difficult because I have a habit of coming to work, whereas much of the University's research culture has turned all-in on stay at home work. The problem is that we don't have an offline work policy, and the staff who works from home does not pick up common research skills that everyone in the group picks up. I.e., they neither contribute nor immerse in the research environment and frankly the evidence shows that people who do it seriously lack basic skills that you need to have.
Ive had a soft policy of coming to work that Ive followed, mainly centered around activities that are useful for research, but its been a drain on me. I dont like reminding people. Ive kept a policy that is somewhat self-sustaining that doesnt require major effort from me to enforce, but its not enough. Its very hard to convince people of something when everyone around them does otherwise.
Another thing, my usual saving grace has been being convinced that Im helping people. I really try my best to help my students and staff, but lately Ive had a bad apple in the group, who is thankfully now gone. This person knowingly excluded me from projects I started, talked behind my back, tried to isolate me from my collaborators, and then asked me for reference letters. I told them Im not writing a reference letter for them, after having had a discussion on this same topic like 5-6 times. This was a source of stress for me. I dont do well with situations like this, especially when I spent years trying to help this person. I mostly feel sad and disappointed, both at myself and the person, and it's been a drain on my motivation.
I spent a lot of time also navigating the political landscape of my field. It's rather hostile, to a point that Id like to just focus on doing research. Its a necessary evil in that I feel I need to participate as otherwise we wont make real progress. However, again, another drain.
In the past, Ive been immune to funding agencies. However, I realised that this time around with everything that is going on, it "feels" to me like the winds are not blowing my way any longer. So some of this has gotten to me.
Consequently, I honestly burned out for several months and relaxed. As a consequence, much of what I had been slowly building collapsed. Some of our staff assimilated to the prevailing culture, which I am not fond of, and some burned out due to likely my fault of asking them to come back to work. Im a bit burned out myself. It really feels like Ive been swimming upstream for a very long time.
Consequently, Im thinking of doing something else. I enjoy research, but much of what is on my mind is entirely unrelated to it. I could force a change, but I wonder, is it worth it? Why dont I find something that Ill enjoy more...? When I think about it very carefully, I cant find good reasons to stay anymore. Its a battle where I see myself in a very isolated position where the only thing I can latch on to is the belief that I'm doing something right and that I'm pursuing what God wants me to do.
Ive been waking up at night, sleeping poorly, feeling constantly high blood pressure, and I am more and more needing to take breaks during Sundays.
