Once there was a girl and her father pinned her against the wall. He told her he would gut her like a fish. He hit her. He screamed in her face spit flying all over her.
He would beat her and she would be in so much pain. Her mother hated her. Her father hates her.
She would be beaten and thrown and threatened to be killed. She would be told that she was a brat and a witch and a retard and called fat.
When she would be alone she would play imaginary games that she had loving parents and that her brother wasn't disabled and could talk.
her only escape was the institution but the staff dragged children down the halls as they screamed and threw her and other students into solitary confinement.
Her cousin molested her and when she finally told her mother her mother told her it wasn't that bad because her cousin is a woman and women can't sexually abuse.
She was scared all the time and never safe. She was always afraid of being hit and always made to feel like she deserved it.
She was bullied by other children for being odd and lacked friends.
To try to prevent bad things from happening she would count her steps and avoid sidewalk cracks. She would avoid certain numbers and click her tongue in certain ways. She had her own sort of superstitions. It made her feel safe.
But what she lacked in a happy life she made up for in imagination and would escape into her mind to a magical world where she had a mother who taught her Wonderful things and how to do things she always wished she knew how to do, like tell time on a clock or tie her shoes or read a book. And her father always kept her safe. Everyone in her family in this world were dragons because dragons were "epic" and "cool"
But then she would remember it wasn't real and she would be lonely again.
Dragged by the hair, beaten naked with a switch, beaten with a hanger it didn't really matter.
One day in the future her mother pulled her out of high school and she didn't really finish.
She got married and got away from her abusive family but her husband hit her too.
One day the kkk came to town. And a boy shot up everything in her town. Where she liked to hang out. Many people died. It was her fault. She got in an argument with that boy prior and he said he knew where she hung out. The lives of ten people were on her hands.
But then she was pregnant. She would leave her husband. She would make this baby happy. But the baby died before the baby was born. She was very sad. She had another baby but that miscarried as well.
The lives of 12 people on her hands.
She went to a trade school and her teacher told her he was her father figure over and over and she was so happy. She found solace in art in science, got straight A's in physics, got into advanced math and was the top of her class. Everyone told her she was a beautiful singer. Everyone told her she made good art. Everyone told her she was intelligent. She started making changes in the school like encouraging a salad bar to be out in and making healthier lunches for students. She had autism herself and was going to do a lecture on it for staff to help other autistic students for autism awareness month.
Her teacher said he was lost once, and could guide people. He was a Columbine shooting survivor.
But he has PTSD like her. And her PTSD and his PTSD triggered eachother's. And he said he had a very short list of people who he tolerated caring about him and she was not on it. That if he fell on the floor and bled out his skull that he wanted her to watch him die. She was very sad. And so she tried to kill herself so she wouldn't be sad anymore. But the light the noise hung on broke out of the ceiling. She never saw her teacher again. She knew it was unhealthy but she still missed him and she would think about all the wonderful ways he did treat her once even if he did come to hate her and she would cry and grieve, thinking the pain would eventually fade. Weeks passed. A month. Then many months. Four. She still hurt. She still missed him the same. Stupid woman.
But she had made a friend. A friend with cancer. This friend was a elderly lady and reminded the girl of her mother but a nicer version. But still abusive. She would scream at her. And throw things at her. Her friend had a pet bird which she would strangle and throw. The woman seeing this realized her friend was no different than her mother.
I am alone in this fucking world God fucking damnit I wish I was dead why can't I just fucking die WHY CAN'T I DIE
