the way tony described someone longingly looking at a dog like a man looks at a woman-
although that is not how the invasive thoughts work for me at all about these types of situations. it is the phobia of a loss of mental autonomy. you get sexually abused in some horrible fucked up painful way and you are no longer even spared your own mental autonomy. sure. on the outside you are just- idk. losing yourself. but in the mind?
you slowly lose free well. and the more free will you lose the more free you feel. a paradox.
free enough that you can escape the metal illness and the pain free enough that you can escape the memories and the relentless shame you can jump!
there is a ghost of a young girl crying out inside of me. there is a ghost of a girl who was made to do unspeakable things with animals and now must live with it every day.
sometimes i feel like all i am is the ghost and the ghost is all i am to me.
and i just face the hard upwards battle try try again no matter what. living in the jungle going on adventures trying to prove something.
look at me. i am here, i would say. i am happy i am here and i am alive. that was everything i would say without saying in each naive youthful word.
just that moment of the shame, and fear that i felt were so drowning when i was being made to do that with an animal. i was drowning in self hatred in that very second. when that pedophile made me do that i was 7. that one moment is now a part of me forever and it is a part of me that i HATE. you take a delicate and sacred part of myself, something so pure and precious and you smeared shit all over it. go ahead. smear shit in my face. stain me.
it is the most vivid childhood memory i have. i live it over and over like i am reliving a horrible moment. over and over and over again. it never ends. even when i rest i do not rest it burns it's way into my nightmares. the most shameful thing in my life i cannot even sleep.
i was raped by my cousin my own cousin i can't even feel OKAY in my own body anymore. i tried to tell an adult but they said shes a woman and women do not rape. it felt like all my fault. my body feels alien to me and it hurts all over in my heart and soul in a way i do not understand. but when i am sad, the tree angels talk to me and make me feel like everything is OK. I feel like i am running a race stubbornly dragging weights behind me while everyone else runs. that is why PTSD is a disability. and most people on the outside looking in who do not live your mental time loop helldo not realize unlike them, you can never fully make the mind loops go away. you can never really know what might trigger flashbacks or memories, potentially creating a fight or flight episode which feels so real it only creates more trauma.
and as a result there can be a lot of times that this fight or flight........can be transformed into something- else...
inappropriate trauma related invasive thoughts and urges that might make one see themselves in a negative light of self hatred and panic.
but have no fear! there is a perfectly healthy solution.
that is what porn is for.
and then we fall into hentai. the magical land along the border where TRAUMA and ADDICTION meet. and where you try not to face yourself. because you hate yourself and you hate how disgusting and alien your own body is.
icky feeling
and if you have a partner/spouse.....oh my dear creator of all things and one with all things
the roleplay will save you. it is healthier and better than porn addiction and you just need to try to get over that. but sharing it with your partner is honestly a really good way, ten out of ten recommend.
just remember not to tie his ropes too tight-
just whatever you do DO NOT become co-dependent OH MY LAWD
it means putting invisible leashes on eachother and those leashes get SHORTER and SHORTER my friend.
fuck after my miscarriage i started "being self involved" with any miscarriage hentai i could find i am so ashamed to admit it was so bad. and i would be sobbing.
will i ever get out of this cave i cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel
i struggled and struggled and struggled and yet my education is still in jeopardy despite being academically excellent there!
but i have not given up hope on myself! i can foster myself a better tomorrow, a normal tomorrow.
where i am dead
haha jk i dont want to die right at this very second rn
