Sociopath Community

The only good thing about McDonald's are their dollar half and half teas

@Med

one time i was at a place and i said yo, everything on your menu has dairy in it, and i'm lactose. so they made me something vegan on the spot :O i was really surprised and thought i was just going to have nothing, or i expected like, the most stupid meal ever that was minimal and unfulfilling like some bread sticks with a tomato sauce or something. apparently though this was "one of the best places in north carolina" so they had a reputation to uphold. the waiter comes out with this beautiful plate and was so nice about it too (normally people get mad about vegans, picky eaters, and allergy complaints as its just another frustration or difficulty to deal with and they seem like they don't want to deal with it, so you get the short end of the stick meal wise and sometimes treated with slight resentment)

it was one of the best meals i've ever eaten, i was just so surprised. 

it was some time of linguini in a vegan sauce and the linguini was made from zuchinni or something, and then it had like other veggies thrown in there. so simple but genius. sounds gross but i promise it was like so good. i left there feeling so happy and on top of the world lol 

i think the fact i was treated with such kindness and understanding, and the meal was prepared with such love. i was just, really knocked my socks off. especially since i was expecting the least.  

Blanc said: 

needs more pesto sauce

it's like, hey, we don't hate you because you're lactose intolerant. we totally understand, and kindly, appreciate who you are. no judgements. we made this special plate just for u. ur welcome <3 

and i was like 😖 thank you 🥺 i couldn't say enough good things about the waiter, the food, etc. just, overwhelmed with good vibes. i felt like that day i had won at life, though i didn't know what i did to deserve it. lol 

human appreciation goes a long way folks lol 

as a background too, i have ptsd, the trip to NC was very difficult for me to even do, and i was doing it for a job i desperately wanted to keep, so i could afford to keep my apartment so i could heal and grow past traumatic past living at home. travel is a trigger for my ptsd, so its like willingly walking into a shark tank. thats how hard it feels to do something like that. but i made it there. going to dinner in an unknown place is yet another ptsd trigger, being in an unfamiliar town, and not even being the driver but having a strange man driving us. it was all super hard. but i was swallowing my anxiety. i also had to do this multiple times to get the job in the first place, so it had been a journey! this was the biggest client yet that i had gotten to see so it was a big deal and i guess i was kind of nervous or felt a lot was expected of me. it was very much a 'big girl' job. i was dressed uncomfortably, in full face of makeup and hair that was so contrary to my identity i didn't recognize myself. 

eating in untrusted places is hard for me due to my ptsd as well, and it has triggered panic in the past. but if you don't eat in front of the clients you look odd. so i did my best. 

the waiter didn't know the long and grueling battle with ptsd i was fighting (alone) just for the sake of basic, survival. i didn't see it at the time how hard it was what i was doing, or my strength. i think i half dissociated the whole time as a way to get by. 

but then this simple offering of something made with such love and kindness, the vibes made me feel safe. safe enough to eat (which was huge). my eating disorder from ptsd has in the past due to feeling unsafe with food led to force feeding even. so the fact that i was able to feel safe, and enjoy a meal, like a normal human being for one night in my life. 

it was amazing. i enjoyed the people, the conversation. and i, wasn't, fucking triggered. i just felt safe. safe enough to not even wonder if i was safe or not. that is true safety. that so many take for granted! to have that feeling occur, just for one night. 

it just, really was like wow. i won. biggest client i've ever gotten. getting treated to this five star meal. i had fought hard to get there. and, big guy in the sky rewarded me with, safety, love, linguini. 

ptsd recovery is a rocky road ya'll. also bragging rights, the client did 'close the deal' so all that hard work was well worth it as well, i did what was being demanded of me in my place of work and was establishing relationships with a company / people that i genuinely enjoyed. 

it was hard to get there. i went from being in a psych ward kicking a wall, screaming and crying my eyes out having panic attacks, dissociative symptoms, developing a benzo addiction and then going through benzo withdrawal, fought off panic attack after panic attack after panic attack after panic attack, far too many to count. 

so that i could live. so that i could travel. so that i could eat again. so that i could trust. so that i could connect. so that i could live independently as an adult, and have financial freedom, build savings toward my wildest dreams. so that i could be a part of life again, and not feel like an outcast, a failure. 

for all the times i've felt unsafe, you really appreciate a time when you finally can. it's, no joke. it's truly no joke. ptsd, is wild. 

so yeah, that being said. you never know, someones struggle or where they come from. that night, i looked like someone who likely had never known suffering. i carried a luxury bag, and heavy eye makeup, and long hair like lady gaga or something. i looked like i always had it all together, like i had always been successful, like this wasn't my first big client, like i had never experienced loss, failure, grief, or trials. 

but it couldn't be further from the truth. the luxury bag was fake. and so was, everything else. from the heels, to the calm composure, and the plastic sewed on smile on my face. i just said i was allergic to everything as an excuse not to eat. all lies. to cover up the suffering truth, of a girl who, nearly died a few times, who'd been force fed, who was beaten at times, and traumatized to the point of, having the feeling of sanity and safety stripped away from them. who came from a dysfunctional family, with the best intentions, but who desperately needed a safe place to live, to heal. 

who wakes up screaming sometimes. and at times, is confused what year it is, and what place i'm in, when i first wake up. who's paranoia and anxiety gets the best of them, and crippled their life, from such a young age. 

i've known many with stories far worse than mine. i know a man who is to this day agoraphobic and cannot leave his home, and he worked in a similar job as i did, but just had clients come for dinners to his home. he hosted beautiful lavish dinner parties, and flaunted a life of luxury for them. but none of them knew, as he courteously waved goodbye to them with a smile on his face, he couldn't leave, not even if he wanted to. i can't begin to imagine how painful that life must be. 

i know a woman who came from a severely traumatic and abusive childhood, being locked in a closet and all these horrible things. who now lives of life of oppulent luxury, in an attempt to protect her peace, she keeps her walls very high but. she married someone with similar perrogatives, and maintains her wealth and connection to a world that gives her meaning and belonging and self esteem, through her very successful real estate career. many would never guess that her, this beautiful woman with yes- some plastic surgery, wearing the most expensive clothes, spending her weekends on yachts, and half the year vacationing in europe, flying first class- came from a severely traumatic up bringing, one of neglect and abuse, and, on top of that also battled cancer at one point in her life! 

i saw one insta famous influencer open up recently about how they had actually been in fostercare most of their youth, after someone accused her monetary success being a result of generational wealth, as if she lived a care free and haphazard life, away from life's ills, struggles, etc. as if she was just 'lucky' and had never gotten the short end of the stick once.

the truth is, many of us have gotten our own experience with the short end of the stick. 

i can't fathom why these things happen to people, good people too. some argue that before our birth, up above, somewhere in the ether, this is a path our soul chose, in some way. for the purpose of growth, of the individual and the collective consciousness of the universe etc.

it certainly makes suffering sound more noble. 

be kind to your fellow human beings, they are so soft, and we are all far more alike than maybe meets the eye. we all have tasted different flavors of suffering. and when we offer kindness, we heal and ease that burden of suffering for someone else. which is, part of what it means to be alive, i think. and i mean, really truly feel alive.