for people who have never been through a manic psychosis- umm, it is pretty disturbing like it feels soo good at the time that your mind starts believing all of these delusions and hallucinations about yourself because feeding the manic state keeps that high going
yeah it is scary stuff and I hope that I come out of what I went through the best version of myself possible somehow someway even though right now all I can seem to focus on is what was lost, but I need to be switching my perspective to what was gained and what I learned from what I went through so that I can be the best version of myself
You say you want to come out of it as the best version of yourself, wouldn't that be the mania talking ?
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I think what you get excited about, are "possibilities of your potential" and not impossible. You really can be and do all those things you dream. And I'm not talking about the identity crisis aspect one can have from such episodes.
I do know what it feels like to be manic. It is happiness. But for me to feel that way, it has to serve a function. For example if I brainstorm and come up with a really good idea, I can get excited about it, and while I'm making it happen I'll marvel at how wonderful I can be at times. Then I have a masterpiece and once again I'm delighted.
You on the other hand, somehow tap into that extreme happiness, probably feelings I'm capable of, but there were no events to bring me to the levels you experience it, because for you, it isn't required for something to happen to trigger those feeling, and you'll get that invincible nothing can touch you feeling and you ARE, one of the happiest people in the world.
The thing that puzzles me, is when that, if you will, and don't be offended, but when that mental masturbation comes about, why don't you recognize it as such, when there is no substance or physical evidence or action other than the thought itself ?
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Another thing. In my personal experience being around a specific person having manic episodes. It's contagious. I fell in love with the person she was being. In your case through the forum it looks like you're being a hog, making regulars scroll to the 2nd page, but in person you'll most likely touch anyone whos interested in you in a very deep way, and they'll do anything for you.
Despite that, the mania must go, because it will go, and when it does it'll sting others cause the person they fell for is gone. You'll feel empty cause whenever you thought about yourself was taken away.
Anyway, if you want I can destroy you if it makes you feel better. Don't worry about being the "best" version of yourself like never before for now, that's manic. Just aim to be "better".
Or fuck it, take a few more bites of that sweet crack and feel good.
You say you want to come out of it as the best version of yourself, wouldn't that be the mania talking ?
.
I think what you get excited about, are "possibilities of your potential" and not impossible. You really can be and do all those things you dream. And I'm not talking about the identity crisis aspect one can have from such episodes.
I do know what it feels like to be manic. It is happiness. But for me to feel that way, it has to serve a function. For example if I brainstorm and come up with a really good idea, I can get excited about it, and while I'm making it happen I'll marvel at how wonderful I can be at times. Then I have a masterpiece and once again I'm delighted.
You on the other hand, somehow tap into that extreme happiness, probably feelings I'm capable of, but there were no events to bring me to the levels you experience it, because for you, it isn't required for something to happen to trigger those feeling, and you'll get that invincible nothing can touch you feeling and you ARE, one of the happiest people in the world.
The thing that puzzles me, is when that, if you will, and don't be offended, but when that mental masturbation comes about, why don't you recognize it as such, when there is no substance or physical evidence or action other than the thought itself ?
.
Another thing. In my personal experience being around a specific person having manic episodes. It's contagious. I fell in love with the person she was being. In your case through the forum it looks like you're being a hog, making regulars scroll to the 2nd page, but in person you'll most likely touch anyone whos interested in you in a very deep way, and they'll do anything for you.
Despite that, the mania must go, because it will go, and when it does it'll sting others cause the person they fell for is gone. You'll feel empty cause whenever you thought about yourself was taken away.
Anyway, if you want I can destroy you if it makes you feel better. Don't worry about being the "best" version of yourself like never before for now, that's manic. Just aim to be "better".
Or fuck it, take a few more bites of that sweet crack and feel good.
being manic was not the problem so much as the psychosis, and the feelings that I was a "bad person" / "evil" and so on (the borderline pd trait stuff that I am trying to heal from) I would not mind being manic again and I likely will be, but I want it to be in a more realistic way and to remember why I should not let myself slip into psychosis
I am not diagnosed bipolar, a couple times bipolar II but mostly it has been borderline pd soo I am not sure why the manic psychosis came kind of out of nowhere I had never been through something like that before
Borderlines are Bipolar too. And by that I mean Bipolar is part of the BPD package, along with other traits present in other diagnosis.
If you truly are BPD and your doctor got it right, they are hot shit. Cause I find we really have to be close and have personal experiences with a BPD to recognize it's there. Talking isn't enough, you need to be all buddy buddy with a BPD at the very least. I know someone who turned out to be BPD but they are diagnosed Bipolar. Nope. It took forever for me to see her first serious episode and it was ASPD on steroids for 11 months followed by a change, I was being valued once again. Scared the shit out of me. Made me strong too.
If you want my opinion about your status. You were pretty bad. You initially were attracted to Logan but decided to flirt with all of his friends, then it backfired and you ended up being obsessed with his friend Mike. You'll say your intention changed. Maybe what you wanted to do to Logan was madness, which then became an obsession then you became quite dangerous to yourself in this case.
Similar scenarios between 3 guys and 1 girl happen where she'll flirt with 2 and leave out the one she wants to hurt. She'll either end up being some whore 2 friends passed around, then she'll be unworthy of sympathy when she cringes, or if the guy liked her and she's cucking him he'll kill himself.
That passes, you cool down, then comes the next phase of the disorder, which is the latent emotion, in this case you start to feel guilty for how you performed. You never felt it before because you are indeed a black and white thinker and other thoughts or rather, feelings, never occupied your mind cause the current one is in place and quite intense and it'll influence your behavior because it is intoxicating to carry on with it.
What you put out comes back to you. None of it is love, it's some desire to hurt others and it feels good for some reason. I can admit it would be fantastic if all my past crushes came at the same time grieving for me, I see how it would feel, but that's an unhealthy desire cause it's not happening, nor do I have the audacity to even try to make that happen. I don't mean to preach what I would do compared to you or anything, it's just a way of pointing out a more healthy approach cause I don't suffer from your mental illness.
but I am not after immature insecure men who cannot commit to women in a serious relationship (a shortterm relationship with a porn star or a model for clout does not count) anymore I want like a daddy figure my biological father treated me horribly and I am looking to get a replacement for everything that I was neglected of growing up and I intend to have a replacement in the future
but I am not after immature insecure men who cannot commit to women in a serious relationship (a shortterm relationship with a porn star or a model for clout does not count) anymore I want like a daddy figure my biological father treated me horribly and I am looking to get a replacement for everything that I was neglected of growing up and I intend to have a replacement in the future
Yes you were neglected as a child weren't you. That's the case with some PD's. Bring significantly ignored or belittled during the first 7 years of development can do that to you.
If it means anything it seems like I'm talking to the real you, which is rarely the case. You're not loling at every sentence you write.
And it looks like you've found a way out of the cycle you were in for the time being.
The one's who understand won't take you personally, and if you're mentally ill, then perhaps you shouldn’t feel guilty now. You're so complicated. The time to feel guilty has long passed. Latent emotions. I don't think you get mixed feelings, black and white thinking would entail your emotions are more single file and comes about under the conditions the previous emotions have passed while the new one sets in as you examine what you've gotten over.
For the record, things like that don't happen so fast for me, but I don't blame you for going with your tardy emotions as soon as they arrive and you can change in the blink of an eye on such matters. This time you're on a good direction it seems. We'll see.
for people who have never been through a manic psychosis- umm, it is pretty disturbing like it feels soo good at the time that your mind starts believing all of these delusions and hallucinations about yourself because feeding the manic state keeps that high going
You have the ability to just... not feed it when you don't want to feel high on it?
being manic was not the problem so much as the psychosis, and the feelings that I was a "bad person" / "evil" and so on (the borderline pd trait stuff that I am trying to heal from) I would not mind being manic again and I likely will be, but I want it to be in a more realistic way and to remember why I should not let myself slip into psychosis
It's not really quite mania without at least some psychosis though...
I do know what it feels like to be manic. It is happiness. But for me to feel that way, it has to serve a function. For example if I brainstorm and come up with a really good idea, I can get excited about it, and while I'm making it happen I'll marvel at how wonderful I can be at times. Then I have a masterpiece and once again I'm delighted.
You've never taken an upper?
Mania can feel great for people, but that shit is not happiness.
Anyway, if you want I can destroy you if it makes you feel better.
Lol how kind. 🤣
