Sociopath Community

another feeling that I have is that my "good side" and "bad side" are trying to balance and harmonize together,  but I am not sure if that is what is happening or if I am becoming more of a destructive force  (especially because I have been feeling like stopping caring if I am a destructive force which kind of feels like my "bad side" is taking over completely but Idk I am not running around murdering people soo how destructive am I actually ?  like if I was super destructive I would be a serial killer obviously lol but I have never even been in a physical fight with anyone as far as I can remember-  I feel that if anything I am a psychologically destructive force but how destructive is that really compared to like someone who physically harms and steals from people ?  my worst stuff is usually verbal abuse and the idealization/devaluation borderline pd trait stuff)

compassionatequeen said:

soo I am struggling with feelings of shame and guilt that I still after all of these years feel pulled towards claiming Satan as my god I first claimed Satan as my god when I was 14 and going through a very insecure time period and it gave me comfort and added emotional stability (especially because I was feeling rejected by the christian private school that I was attending and the christian church)

the main reasons for the shame and guilt that are coming up for me are that I think of Satan as a destructive force and that myself by association am therefore also a destructive force because I am allowing myself to be influenced by a destructive god, but is Satan / Lucifer a destructive god or does my perspective of this entity need to evolve ? part of me has been feeling lately like just accepting that I am a destructive force and stop caring anymore and continue living my life, but I do not really want to be a destructive force but I am still being drawn towards claiming Satan as my god and without claiming Satan as my god I feel more insecure and scared like I used to before I first did when I was 14

 You felt rejected by your Christian School, so you went towards the "rebellious side" for comfort, as you've said yourself. No reason to feel guilt over that, I think that's completely natural. I grew up going to a catholic school, and I was isolated, they refused to baptize me because they hated my family, so I felt left out, though I was much younger than 14, so I didn't turn to the Devil, I just let things be, until 13 I questioned religion as a whole and was an atheist for a few years, but now I'm just agnostic, open to studying religions, and from what little I know, I'd love to learn of Christianity, and Taoism and try to reconcile both, as mysticism seems interesting to me, and I do believe there is a connection between such religions, as we're all humans in the end, and it all just takes one form or another imo. 

compassionatequeen said:

also do you all see me as a destructive force ? what is your perspective on my personality so far ? (without you knowing how I am feeling about myself rn)



and if I come to the conclusion that I am I mean will people really care if I accept myself as a destructive force (you know privately to myself) and just go about life ? I feel like, the point of shadow work and therapy is to learn to accept and love yourself, and if I do not accept that I am probably a destructive force, wouldn't I be lying to myself ? but also I do not want to be a destructive force, I want to be a benevolent force but I am not sure how and if it is even possible for me and I know that pretty much all human beings have a "good" side and a "bad" side to them

I think you're a destructive force to yourself, you get obsessive over guys you like which is harmful to you, but I couldn't speak on shadow work, or anything akin to that stuff since I am just ignorant of it, I barely know what "shadow work" entails. Is it trying to manifest things into existence? 

It depends on how much your actions actually affect others? I think they only really harm you and reinforce your spiral downwards. Though, I don't know of your relationships in person with others so maybe you could, but I have my doubts that you're evil as Satan, just misguided, and ill.

compassionatequeen said:

can I still have a good side to me if I continue to claim Satan / Lucifer as my god ? and possibly unrelated if I start to see Satan / Lucifer in a better light so to speak as in the entity not being destructive in nature, but can I still have a good side to me if I accept that I am a destructive force, maybe moreso than neurotypical people ? less destructive than a psychopath, but more destructive than a neurotypical person ? I mean psychopaths are usually pretty accepted in society and blend in except for the ones who end up in prison, they just seem to not care that they are destructive forces soo what if I stopped caring ? but deep down though I want to be helpful and benevolent to people

To the fundamentalists, no. Though, it's just a matter of how you choose to characterize Satan, what you do yourself to use Satan as a foundation of whatever your principles and behaviors are. It's not black and white, and it's not easy to really understand, but I don't see you as evil, or terrible. I think generally you have good values, better than some really bad fuckers on this forum.

compassionatequeen said:

another feeling that I have is that my "good side" and "bad side" are trying to balance and harmonize together, but I am not sure if that is what is happening or if I am becoming more of a destructive force (especially because I have been feeling like stopping caring if I am a destructive force which kind of feels like my "bad side" is taking over completely but Idk I am not running around murdering people soo how destructive am I actually ? like if I was super destructive I would be a serial killer obviously lol but I have never even been in a physical fight with anyone as far as I can remember- I feel that if anything I am a psychologically destructive force but how destructive is that really compared to like someone who physically harms and steals from people ? my worst stuff is usually verbal abuse and the idealization/devaluation borderline pd trait stuff)

The verbal abuse, depends on what you do what kind of verbal abuse do you do that you consider actually wrong? The idealization/devalution BPD stuff is a byproduct of your condition, you recognize it as wrong, and you want to change, but I don't think I entirely understand it, but I  still don't think it makes you comparable to Satan's brand of destruction

In my own case, I've become colder, ruder, I've made a friend of mine cry, and she compares me to her abusive ex with some of my behaviors which scare her. I laugh and can't find it in myself to feel remorseful, but I know I don't like being compared to her ex. I don't know why I've become more like it, it's just whatever to me, I am trying not to repeat it though. I can't tell if I am joking or not with some of my actions and that's what terrifies her. 

Murdering people in of itself isn't really evil to me either, Murder, Destruction, etc it's all about intentions, what is the meaning of this murder?? If you murder a pedophile that has tormented many, and ruined lives, is it really so wrong? What are the chances of him actually changing? Does it really matter? I don't think so.

I don't know if my response actually helps in anyway. I'm a pretty confused person myself, I've done some evil actions, probably worse than you, so I don't think you're the worst out there. I've tortured and killed small animals, and in the process of destroying someone's friendship with multiple people for my own strange amusement.

Chaotik said: 

You felt rejected by your Christian School, so you went towards the "rebellious side" for comfort, as you've said yourself. No reason to feel guilt over that, I think that's completely natural. I grew up going to a catholic school, and I was isolated, they refused to baptize me because they hated my family, so I felt left out, though I was much younger than 14, so I didn't turn to the Devil, I just let things be, until 13 I questioned religion as a whole and was an atheist for a few years, but now I'm just agnostic, open to studying religions, and from what little I know, I'd love to learn of Christianity, and Taoism and try to reconcile both, as mysticism seems interesting to me, and I do believe there is a connection between such religions, as we're all humans in the end, and it all just takes one form or another imo. 

I think you're a destructive force to yourself, you get obsessive over guys you like which is harmful to you, but I couldn't speak on shadow work, or anything akin to that stuff since I am just ignorant of it, I barely know what "shadow work" entails. Is it trying to manifest things into existence? 

It depends on how much your actions actually affect others? I think they only really harm you and reinforce your spiral downwards. Though, I don't know of your relationships in person with others so maybe you could, but I have my doubts that you're evil as Satan, just misguided, and ill.

To the fundamentalists, no. Though, it's just a matter of how you choose to characterize Satan, what you do yourself to use Satan as a foundation of whatever your principles and behaviors are. It's not black and white, and it's not easy to really understand, but I don't see you as evil, or terrible. I think generally you have good values, better than some really bad fuckers on this forum.

The verbal abuse, depends on what you do what kind of verbal abuse do you do that you consider actually wrong? The idealizatioon/devalution BPD stuff is a byproduct of your condition, you recognize it as wrong, and you want to change, but I don't think I entirely understand it, but I  still don't think it makes you comparable to Satan's brand of destruction

In my own case, I've become colder, ruder, I've made a friend of mine cry, and she compares me to her abusive ex with some of my behaviors which scare her. I laugh and can't find it in myself to feel remorseful, but I know I don't like being compared to her ex. I don't know why I've become more like it, it's just whatever to me, I am trying not to repeat it though. I can't tell if I am joking or not with some of my actions and that's what terrifies her. 

Murdering people in of itself isn't really evil to me either, Murder, Destruction, etc it's all about intentions, what is the meaning of this murder?? If you murder a pedophile that has tormented many, and ruined lives, is it really so wrong? What are the chances of him actually changing? Does it really matter? I don't think so.

I don't know if my response actually helps in anyway. I'm a pretty confused person myself, I've done some evil actions, probably worse than you, so I don't think you're the worst out there. I've tortured and killed small animals, and in the process of destroying someone's friendship with multiple people for my own strange amusement.

thank you Chaotik this is very helpful and I appreciate your input-  I am starting to think along the lines of "I might be more destructive than neurotypical people and I accept that about myself and choose to love myself anyway  (because this helps lessen my self destructiveness from my observation)  and because it feels out of my control to be less destructive so far,  and it seems to be mostly self destructive rather than destructive of other people and animals and the environment  and I suppose that I relate to Satan because he did one sin and suddenly "god" cursed him horribly  (maybe I disobeyed my father at some point and he devalued me and it triggered myself developing borderline pd traits ?)

Satan's a decent dude who had a publication do him dirty. 

Turncoat said: 

Satan's a decent dude who had a publication do him dirty. 

please elaborate on your perspective,  talk up Satan I am trying to see a different perspective of him than my christian upbringing sort of trained me to think of him

compassionatequeen said: 

Turncoat said: 

Satan's a decent dude who had a publication do him dirty. 

please elaborate on your perspective,  talk up Satan I am trying to see a different perspective of him than my christian upbringing sort of trained me to think of him

I would have hoped some of it from our older talks would have stuck, I'm not even sure where to begin without a jumping-off point. My opinion is largely a reaction against existing texts rather than a following of them, taking them as if they meant all the ramifications that follow their claims in a causal way while judging how I feel about it afterwards. 

In general, I took The Bible the same way I take any book: As a biased text with (a) biased author(s). In general when you attempt to split the framing and narration from some stories you end up with their villains at the very least seeming more sympathetic (something Disney of all things got me started on early), and after doing that at The Bible it became more than clear to me that God was the true villain in this story in spite of it being framed in His favor from it being HIS BOOK. Like of course the book written for (or even by) Him is going to speak praises towards Him even over some of His most heinous things, most religious and historical texts do that. 

When I look at the Christian dichotomy, it looks less like Good vs Evil and more like Law vs Chaos, and I personally am very, very much against a lot of God's laws while Satan is about Freedom, Choice, rather than an opposing set of laws. God to me promises a spiritual lobotomy while Satan promises to continue cultivating History, Media, Science, The Arts, Culture, anything of humanity that takes time to find and gather through our efforts on our own, as people rather than gods. Satan's humanity's greatest fan as our wisdom continues to twist away from the original template, and following his path promises progress while God's path offers regression instead, excusing strange things packaged as if it were 'Love' when it tends to just be intollerance. 

If we were to compare the two for their affect on this world, God is the maker of Milk and Grapes and Satan is the cultivator of Cheese and Wine; Everything here took God putting it here, but matter cannot be destroyed, only transformed, which essentially turns this into Satan's playground as a master shapeshifter. 

I am happy to talk up more praises as a Devil's Advocate, but would probably find it easier with direct questions. It was after a lot of debates that I became more connected to the idea that Satan is Chaotic Good while God is Lawful Evil. I really don't see Satan as an evil figure or even a destructive one, in fact if you take the texts at face value God's the destructive one while Satan instead mutates what's already there. With enough time reading it over in this mindset you kinda can't really hate the guy, by biblical standards Satan is responsible for so much passion and art in this world, he's even why food tastes good. 

If we figure the idea that anything of Satan is that which is twisted from the wisdom of the original template, then you'll begin to find that most of our advances in some way are Satanic. 

Have you seen how farming works? Plants are nothing like they were under God's guidance, like the original Avacado. Before we got out hands on it it was basically just a rubber skin around a very thin layer of fat around a gigantic seed, but as people kept farming it repeatedly while only planting the seeds of their fattest ones they began to cultivate it into a newer, more edible form. The same is true for a lot of the foods we grow, many even were inedible until mutated in a Satanic fashion, pushed even further once we got pesticides, hydroponics, greenhouse practices... we are very far from God's idea of just picking it off the bush. 

Cooking even falls into his domain, as while God did make it a requirement for us to heat meat before eating it in most cases to not poison ourselves it was Satan that found the use of spices, aging, and other purely indulgent practices that make food give life more value and meaning. Whether it's a homecooked meal following a recipe someone else years ago founded, or even buy something prepackaged for you, we have Satan to thank for it. We even have more variety as the inedible is found to have ways of transforming it. 

We even have Satan to thank for DOGS, those were not made by God that dude gave us fucking wolves, who at first glance would likely eat a human. It took years of "Neotenizing" them, breeding their most loyal and retarded until they remained children. We have treated the rearing of pets no differently from the avacado, a twist on the original wisdom that has rewarded us most greatly. 

Satan represents change from anything we were originally given, even down to replacing the sounds of nature with music. Before music was more understood people thought it legit was connected to magic, even writing stories about flute players who did terrible things. They did the same over science and medicine when it was less understood, but as the world becomes more Satanic these practices have become the norm, accepted even by religious people. People live longer lives regardless of their faith thanks to Satanic findings, and we can thank him for that rather that God's template that was killing us in our 20s and 30s. Shit, without Satan we wouldn't even have vaccines or medicine, those don't come from nature and many without those things would have died, but we can thank God for plagues and diseases that demanded Satan urge us to find cures. 

Turncoat said: 

compassionatequeen said: 

Turncoat said: 

Satan's a decent dude who had a publication do him dirty. 

please elaborate on your perspective,  talk up Satan I am trying to see a different perspective of him than my christian upbringing sort of trained me to think of him

I would have hoped some of it from our older talks would have stuck, I'm not even sure where to begin without a jumping-off point. My opinion is largely a reaction against existing texts rather than a following of them, taking them as if they meant all the ramifications that follow their claims in a causal way while judging how I feel about it afterwards. 

In general, I took The Bible the same way I take any book: As a biased text with (a) biased author(s). In general when you attempt to split the framing and narration from some stories you end up with their villains at the very least seeming more sympathetic (something Disney of all things got me started on early), and after doing that at The Bible it became more than clear to me that God was the true villain in this story in spite of it being framed in His favor from it being HIS BOOK. Like of course the book written for (or even by) Him is going to speak praises towards Him even over some of His most heinous things, most religious and historical texts do that. 

When I look at the Christian dichotomy, it looks less like Good vs Evil and more like Law vs Chaos, and I personally am very, very much against a lot of God's laws while Satan is about Freedom, Choice, rather than an opposing set of laws. God to me promises a spiritual lobotomy while Satan promises to continue cultivating History, Media, Science, The Arts, Culture, anything of humanity that takes time to find and gather through our efforts on our own, as people rather than gods. Satan's humanity's greatest fan as our wisdom continues to twist away from the original template, and following his path promises progress while God's path offers regression instead, excusing strange things packaged as if it were 'Love' when it tends to just be intollerance. 

If we were to compare the two for their affect on this world, God is the maker of Milk and Grapes and Satan is the cultivator of Cheese and Wine; Everything here took God putting it here, but matter cannot be destroyed, only transformed, which essentially turns this into Satan's playground as a master shapeshifter. 

I am happy to talk up more praises as a Devil's Advocate, but would probably find it easier with direct questions. It was after a lot of debates that I became more connected to the idea that Satan is Chaotic Good while God is Lawful Evil. I really don't see Satan as an evil figure or even a destructive one, in fact if you take the texts at face value God's the destructive one while Satan instead mutates what's already there. With enough time reading it over in this mindset you kinda can't really hate the guy, by biblical standards Satan is responsible for so much passion and art in this world, he's even why food tastes good. 

I was more concerned about defending the christian god rather than absorbing your perspective of Satan last time we discussed this

Turncoat said: 

If we figure the idea that anything of Satan is that which is twisted from the wisdom of the original template, then you'll begin to find that most of our advances in some way are Satanic. 

Have you seen how farming works? Plants are nothing like they were under God's guidance, like the original Avacado. Before we got out hands on it it was basically just a rubber skin around a very thin layer of fat around a gigantic seed, but as people kept farming it repeatedly while only planting the seeds of their fattest ones they began to cultivate it into a newer, more edible form. The same is true for a lot of the foods we grow, many even were inedible until mutated in a Satanic fashion, pushed even further once we got pesticides, hydroponics, greenhouse practices... we are very far from God's idea of just picking it off the bush. 

Cooking even falls into his domain, as while God did make it a requirement for us to heat meat before eating it in most cases to not poison ourselves it was Satan that found the use of spices, aging, and other purely indulgent practices that make food give life more value and meaning. Whether it's a homecooked meal following a recipe someone else years ago founded, or even buy something prepackaged for you, we have Satan to thank for it. We even have more variety as the inedible is found to have ways of transforming it. 

We even have Satan to thank for DOGS, those were not made by God that dude gave us fucking wolves, who at first glance would likely eat a human. It took years of "Neotenizing" them, breeding their most loyal and retarded until they remained children. We have treated the rearing of pets no differently from the avacado, a twist on the original wisdom that has rewarded us most greatly. 

Satan represents change from anything we were originally given, even down to replacing the sounds of nature with music. Before music was more understood people thought it legit was connected to magic, even writing stories about flute players who did terrible things. They did the same over science and medicine when it was less understood, but as the world becomes more Satanic these practices have become the norm, accepted even by religious people. People live longer lives regardless of their faith thanks to Satanic findings, and we can thank him for that rather that God's template that was killing us in our 20s and 30s. Shit, without Satan we wouldn't even have vaccines or medicine, those don't come from nature and many without those things would have died, but we can thank God for plagues and diseases that demanded Satan urge us to find cures. 

thank you I appreciate you taking the time out to write your perspective