Life update (work in progress) - 2

So as a continuation off my post, last line about, continuing when I got back from work. Lol, it is now literally midnight, and I’ve been going since 6am so. I’m a little tired to say the least but.

Just as a quick like, yeah. I… I have written down some notes from today. And I probably need to just. Add that here. But it’s just, it’s a lot so.

It’s just more about the stupid illegal shit going on at the practice.

I actually have been keeping notes this entire time but god is my hand writing messy and it’s mixed in with like patient information and it’s all like sticky notes everywhere. I have all of it though so. I kind of was planning or hoping to find the time to just make a little organized report on all of it like, typed up you know nice and neat with like, sort of like an outline format you know with sections addressing each illegal thing they’re doing. Lmfao. Dear god. I’m so crazy. Lol

Anyway so that will be useful.

I’m extremely busy these days, not a complaint- I just. I have no time to catch up with myself. So I’ll just post the full report when that’s done, probably this weekend more than likely.

I would say, it’s going to be a long rest of the week, like I am dreading it but. There are good things to come and… I have good things peppered in…. And it’s kind of my responsibility whether I enjoy my life or not you know. So I have started implementing more things deliberately that I can thoroughly enjoy and help me, in my recovery or support that…

And really it’s all about that sort of all the time so. I have to put it first and it has become very rewarding so. I mean, it’s really the kind of stuff money just can’t buy.

I’m figuring myself out and… I’m figuring out… happiness? A little bit. But yeah mostly just figuring myself out a bit still

Uh, also. So, I actually am going to be going to prison. Hah. Not to be incarcerated, but just doing some meetings with the girls in there. The woman chairing the meetings is a wonderful support to me and uh, has helped me a lot, anymore time I can get just talking with her- I try to get in about once a week. Helps me a lot. And uh… she is sort of, guiding me a bit. But this is what she likes to do and so I’m going to be joining her and sort of walking in her footsteps a little but. Yeah her, talks. With me are very enlightening. She just kind of gets it, all. In a way that, I don’t, and like, she helps me to get it. Which is an amazing gift, that she has the ability to do that for people as fucked up and hard headed as me.

But that’s kind of what she does, obviously working with people who are incarcerated gives her great experience. But yeah, it’s definitely a natural gift she has/ for teaching.

Anyway but, it looks like five of the girls in the meetings in the prison are actually, involved, in a case that’s on going, an undisclosed number of them are in witness protection.

Trying to be vague here because this is sensitive information at this point you can never be too careful. I’ve honestly already said too much. But, this is sort of the next thing I’m looking into.

So this is a continuation of this whole criminals in plain site investigation saga I have going on.

Basically, I’m just a good mole. But more importantly, I can’t really relax until, I know something is taken care of.

Like I find out about an issue, and I have to see it through, and then when it’s done I can relax a lot better lol. Otherwise, I go about my day, with this serious itch In the back of my mind about it.

And, there is one other issue I have going on at the same time now. Like I mentioned in a previous post there are two now. So, the one is “the witness.” And the other, is… “your average scum” serial rapist.

My least favorite kind of guy to meet, let me tell you. No really, there is no one I hold lower on the totem pole of respect in my mind I’m pretty sure- than a rapist.

As some of you may remember, my very first little criminal investigation, was lucky Mr. Wanna Be Priest. You probably don’t remember. But I wrote a big long letter about it.

It peaked my interest then but now it’s just so run of the mill to me. This one will be easy because the evidence has already been documented and gathered and I know how to find it.

But that was going to be my weekend project, it is a club in Miami. So, I’ll be paying Miami a visit soon.

Miami is one of my favorite cities, but it has a really disgusting layer of crime going on in it and some really reprehensible characters think they can hide in this big city with a completely overwhelmed task force.

But yeah, this one has to go. Because, it’s once again. Not an isolated incident. This has been on going for many years. So, there will be a lot to sort of gather on this one and, it becomes very complex very quickly and my report will be a long out line on it all soon, detailing all the different crimes, and all the wonderful people involved with it.

It’s no laughing matter,.. I have two family members, women, who are victims of kidnap and or rape, and murder, at the hands of men just like this one. I’m no stranger unfortunately to the extremely gruesome nature of these sort of operations that go on, involving the sex trafficking or prostitution.

It’s extremely dangerous, and if you’re not careful it really could, not end well. For anyone. So. One of my family members was chopped into pieces. The other, murdered by a pimp- and then, her father was going to the court to expose the gang for the operation they had going on and what they were doing with girls. And, well. They killed him too. Before he got the chance to say a word.

Anyways, I’m exhausted. But, I can’t sleep at night because I just have so much on my mind. Not in a bad way, it’s just… it is what it is. I don’t really know where things are going to go from here, or what I’m doing.

I keep waiting for some direction, but it’s kind of funny so, this whole time really I mean, I’ve always just been doing things on my own… in a lot of ways, in life. In a lot of facets.

And no one ever comes to really, help you, I mean. You can seek out help as best you can but at the end of the day like, sometimes it comes down to,… you have to just do it.

But anyway, I do recognize the need for direction in these circumstances and, I’ll be working closely within that and continue to seek that out.

I feel so strange sharing this. Apologies for being vague, you can probably sense the apprehensiveness.

It looks like I’m following in the footsteps of my grandfather ironically, my family said that I am a lot like him in a lot of ways. He worked in reconnaissance.

I can only share that now because he is dead. In fact, I don’t think they ever really told me that, until he was dead for months. But, it’s just one of those things I was told never to talk about.

But yeah, he was what they like to call a spy. Lol

I would love to write the book on him as well, but his son actually is going to. Not sure how much will be omitted, but hopefully not too much. He was the kind of guy you watch movies about, not to sensationalize it. The realist of the occupation, is, like I said, gruesome and even boring at times- meticulous- annoyingly so.

It doesn’t always follow a pretty story line with a happy ending, either.

But he followed orders.

A great recommendation I have in this topic is, the tv show “Patriot” as well as, a movie. “Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy” … there’s tons of great espionage related movies/tv out there but these two remind me most closely of my grandfather. If you like this sort of stuff,…

you would probably find it all pretty neat. He had government issued glasses, with a recording device in them. A brief case, with papers sewn into the lining of it, in hiding. Regarding the only remaining documentation or paper trail of the moment his identity was first officially erased by the US government.

I’m not near the level of bad-assery this guy was but, I guess it makes sense… that I would at the very least have an interest in a lot of this same sort of stuff

Anyway, no one, no matter how mechanical and seemingly emotionless is, or how tough, or how “bad ass” is immune to post traumatic stress disorder.

I am continuing my therapy for it. One of the uh, symptoms sometimes especially in c-ptsd specifically can be “rage turned inward” or, on the contrary “rage turned outward” and I find that is one of the pinnacle issues that comes up or a core issue for me, I believe. At the core of a lot of, things that go on with me.

I’m learning to recognize where it lies inside me physically you know, identifying the areas and, seeing how it’s affecting me and behavior and all these internal processes that go on. And I’m learning to deal with it in a healthier way, coping processing, all together absolving it ideally so it’s not an on going issue or jot as problematic as before.

It takes a very long time to completely dissolve it I would say. A lot of my behavior was self destructive and self inflicted, and was done autonomously meaning I didn’t really realize why I was doing it and hadn’t yet dissected myself enough to really understand why I was driven to this kind of repeated self destructive behaviors.

And believe it or not at the core of a lot of it, was anger, and it was sort of just repressed or suppressed, subconsciously. And turned into what on the surface looks like, hopelessness and despair. But usually for me I’ve noticed behind a lot of sadness is actually true anger. It’s just hidden, from the conscious even. Because trauma makes walls- at least in my brain it likes to. So it takes time to become consciously aware and start to put it all together what emotions go with what memory and what reason I’m feeling it and what I’m feeling specifically.

And there is a lot of catharsis is absolving that anger therapeutically, there’s methods. And from there with the right mind set in place, it can become easier to continue processing, and handling.

When it does come up, I am familiar. Like okay, you want to relapse, having thoughts of it. It’s usually these several issues. Okay which issue is it that’s triggering. And now what’s the command prompt to deal with that issue healthily. And go from there.

And so one of my ways of addressing it is actually pursuing what I’m doing in life, and practicing my skills.

Sometimes it’s self care or other needs that have to be addressed, sometimes it’s a meeting or talking to someone specific or a walk.

But I’ve found it particularly helpful to have a focus and a direction and things that I care about, and things I can physically do that involve learning or growing as an individual in whatever area. Something progressive. That I feel is purposeful and gives me at the very least a sense of accomplishment.

A sense of accomplishment has been noted to be a big core area for depression/suicide recovery patients.

Anyway, I like to boat, I like to learn new skills. Meet new people or interesting people. I like to learn about planes, or fixing cars, and also target practice is particularly helpful when I’m just really pissed off.

The world is cruel and unfair, but if you can keep your head in straight through it all, you’ll be better for it. It’s self mastery and mind set.

Sociopath Community

Message Turncoat in a DM to get moderator attention