Sociopath Community

I forgive her,  but she needs Jesus for sure............

 Re:What Keeps You Moving Forward?

 Blanc said: #post4119

just to manipulate sad fucks like you

Are you defending med? Med is up there with blanc in being a spoiled entitled brat

My name is Ronald Regan and I approve this message.

I completely understand, it just really hurts me because in the past several months I have had a major overhaul or healing, or transformation however you want to put it. 

It sounds fucking cliche as fuck. And I genuinely can’t explain it. It’s so recent that I’m still trying to wrap my head around it or understand it- and I’m constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. 

like, I understand why you would be upset wifh a person for acting so out of pocket and detached from reality I guess is the best way you could put it. 

I sincerely don’t know what was wrong with me, but I have come back down to earth and stepped back into myself. I was previously very very like in outer space. 

I genuinely don’t understand it. After years of doing personal work, on myself, in groups, just like really trying to insight and take inventory and like really like figure myself out, something just clicked one day and I haven’t been able to go back since 

I am still the same person but I have grown, very much so. I guess this is the healing and recovery I had always asked for. I just didn’t think I would be rewarded wifh it so soon but I am so overwhelmingly grateful. 

I understand why you would think negative things of me or who I am as a person could easily be perceived as a particular way, but I want you know, I have put that so far behind me. I have moved so far past it now. 

I cannot heal our relationship single handedly here. I cannot change how you see me but I know I am now, I feel grounded in that, and I can show you by example. By my actions. By my words. Etc. I have changed on the inside and I know this but I can’t, prove that so easily to you. I cannot, or I don’t, expect you to… I don’t feel entitled to, any sort of, understanding or forgiveness even. 

But I hope going forward with my life and as you go forward with your own that… I don’t continue to, disappoint you. My actions at times were abhorrent. I am grateful I could grow from my mistakes, and learn who I am today. My entire focus has changed, everything has changed. 

I can explain, more about that but. The reason I haven’t yet is because it is really recent and I wanted to be absolutely sure this was like, consistently how I felt like, a genuine, recovery- and not just a good phase or a good few weeks. I guess I’m still sort of wiping my eyes in disbelief is why I’m like, wow. I still pursue my own recovery daily now. 

I don’t know, it’s all very transcendental and spiritual almost, I just, I don’t know how to put it all into words yet. But, behind the scenes, without documenting it or telling anyone lol, I have been working on myself and have had a personal, internal, recovery. 

I could tell the whole story but I don’t know if it’s exactly time yet. 

And everyone here has very much so been apart of that, criticism included. I really needed someone to smack me in the face and remind me this isn’t *right* like this is unhealthy, this isn’t you. WAKE UP. You know. Bring my back to reality. So thank you. 

But as far as my previous actions, like, I am so sorry. I care so deeply about each of you as individuals…. I love you all, you’re all so amazing, you all have such unique gifts, and are all incredibly important. I feel this way about everyone on the planet. 

I never wanted to make anyone feel, disrespected. 

As far as weird things I’ve said, when I was in a very dark place. I have come out of that darkness and… I want you to know I am sorry, for who I was before. But I have shed that dead weight. 

I have stepped more into myself, the person I really was- before I became lost in something else entirely- which is difficult to describe. 

but I really lost myself. 

And in my, desire to create, or be creative, etc, I did it all  very stupidly. Like, I was trying to create something, bigger than myself. And, that’s why it’s all come off as so strange. “Blanc” as a project. 

Like I did it on purpose. But at the same time I wasn’t like, mentally “okay” while doing it. So it was all just, kind of, a cluster fuck. It didn’t go well. Because I was so detached. I dojt know why, and I can’t explain it because, I don’t know if there is a term for it. 

But I was detached. Is this best way to put it. Some people would describe it as “aloof” but at times it would be very apparent to people, and they’re just like, “what the hell?” you know. 

But yeah… I really… I don’t know what I’m trying to say here other than like. I’m doing a lot better now, I knew I was detached or didn’t feel like myself but I couldn’t put my finger on like where it went or who I was before etc (and that’s on trauma) I just knew something wasn’t right 

Iwas trying to explore myself and find myself again through strange creative mediums which made me feel safe? 

But eventually I had to go a different route all together to find true healing. I feel more grounded in myself and no longer detached from reality. 

Compared to the early days of Blanc and SC, she's made leaps and bound of progress. Now she isn't so cunty, often.

She still writes too much. Less is more blanc, make your posts more digestible and you'll get more feedback. That being said i only read a small fraction of your wall of text.

Blanc, you're monologuing instead of contributing to the discussion. 

...that and it's more of your "It's my fault but not my fault" shtick anyway. 

Turncoat said: 

Blanc, you're monologuing instead of contributing to the discussion. 

 I’ve had a lot happen, it’s a lot to catch people up on? 

I didn’t know people were so involved or like, noticed. 

But, like. Okay I wasn’t quite ready to have this conversation and I don’t know how to exactly? Share this with all of you. 

I’m trying. 

but also I am slightly busy lately I have like millions of things I am working on or doing so i like, I’m trying to just get it all out as succinctly as possible in away that makes sense or can be understandable? 

And then just like getting it done so I can continue on with things I am working on today. I have to go to work essentially. Lol 

so I’m just like okay let me write this out really quick. I don’t mean to be like rude by monolouing I just don’t fully have time at this exact moment for a conversation thoight I am totally open to doing so, if anyone, even wanted to lol I just, I only have 15 minutes here and 15 minutes there to spare I have a lot going on lately but I hear you 

I don’t mean to be rude, yeah, we can have a conversation ok I will break it down into bitnsize pieces that’s fine I can work with that. Sorry lol 

it’s just a lot and I’m new to having these kind of conversations… I’m new to talking about this

Turncoat said: 

Blanc, you're monologuing instead of contributing to the discussion. 

...that and it's more of your "It's my fault but not my fault" shtick anyway. 

 I’m saying a lot has changed internally I have had a major revolution. but inunderadn where you’re coming from. 

I just, I want people to know A lot has changed because I am excited about the new lines of thoight I am having and the new self I am getting to know now, the self confidence I have gained, the insight I have gained not only into myself but about the world. It’s just a lot to take on, to put it all into words 

But I want to share, like. I am excited about this new person I am becoming in recovery and the new things that I am doing, the world has just opened up, for me and…. I want, to talk about those things instead of, my past. My mistakes, etc like I’m so on fire about it and I’m so excited about the future 

I don’t want to spend anymore time visiting my past but I understand I haven’t kept anyone up to speed or in the loop on my recovery and such like I didn’t share any of that here because it was extremely personal and quite frankly I just wasn’t ready to and like, it didn’t occur to me to even do that??? 

but then I see comments on who I was and I’m like YES I hear YOU let’s talk about that like I’m on the same page as you. Old blanc SUCKED and that’s why I worked so fucking hard to change and to grow.