I recently became pregnant and I'm so worried that my child will become like me. My husband of several years turned out to be gay and wants divorce. Please help I don't know how to raise a child.
I have really bad antisocial behavioral patterns. Like for example whenever I see someone that I like I start copying them to the point that I feel like I'm a different person. I even start flaming people who are really nice to me because they don't fit with the narrative of the different imaginary person that I want to be. Every now and then I feel really fucking awful, like I want to die, and I apologize, but my behavior has driven away every one of my close friends because they refuse to put up with my bullshit. I don't know what to do.
When I was a kid I loved beating up the things I loved because I wanted to see their reaction. I feel really disgusted with myself for doing that, especially later in life I look back at my behavior as a kid when I beat up the family dog and then hugged it to show much I loved the dog, I feel like I'm so fucked up in the head and think I deserve to go to hell. It's my punishment to feel lonely and I think it's God's sign of telling me that he has abandoned me when he turned my husband gay.
Now I'm 2 months pregnant and I'm really worried my child will become like me. Like if I get a dog to keep my child company it will beat up the dog and do all sorts of other sadomachocistic shit that I feel so guilty. I'm worried my child will be fucked up like me and it's all genetic.
Is it better for the child to be adopted? Money isnt an issue as I have a good well-paying job and my husband is willing to give me all his money from the divorce and also stick around for the kid. I am really well educated but I'm really terrified I will give birth to a second me who will sin and fuck things up like me and I'm scared I'll do something stupid like try to helicopter parent the child to death and it all becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
