Sociopath Community

A many great deal of things, I want to leave this state, get into a university, get a masters in Computer Science. Learn Latin and many other languages, learn and greatly understand the theologies and philosophies of mankind. Travel the world, learn to be self sufficient and to be able to fight and defend myself as well as use and make guns. Experience shrooms for the experience and spiritual reasons. My grandest dream would be to help create Sentient Artificial Intelligence which to me has the potential to be a god. If I could although Id merge it with my mind and transcend whoever I am now and become something more. I understand that these are theoretical and may not be possible and if so not in my life but regardless, I want to try. I essentially dream of a grander mankind and better future, I love humanity, and wish to learn of all cultures and visit them. If life in the US doesn't work out, my plan is to learn Russian, get fit and enlist in their military in exhange for citizenship and to travel across Eurasia. I would love to visit Tehran just to try a Bobby Sands Burger, I would love to witness the World Nomad Games, visit China, and Vietnam. I would probably volunteer to fight against groups like ISIS and other similar shit on the side of Russia and Syria if that were to continue and stay as relevant. 

Perhaps found a family of my own. Within these things come violent fantasies such as experiencing cannibalism, the idea of killing something like a pedophile for trophies and to make a skull bowl. If I killed someone in war theoretically that I respect, I would imagine taking their bones and wearing them as respect. Strange shit that enters my skull though, no clue if I would do that. Just obsessions. If I could achieve immortality, I explore the universe, then when I am done, go into slumber for like 1000s of years maybe millions, wake up see what's new and do that until I decide I am done and kill myself. 

I know it's not cohesive, it's the a stream of things I wish to achieve varying scales of reality and improbability. I hope that satisfies your answer though.

I like you.

Why not start by travelling the world? If you want to leave your state.... and study... and travel the world.... Why not go to Europe, Africa, or Asia? The education is cheaper and even free in some places.

Make plans.

The way I see it..... You don't have the willpower to follow through. How serious are you about all this? How would you feel if you lived at your home close to your neighborhood doing nothing for the rest of your life? Would that be bearable..?

tpp said: 

Why not start by travelling the world? If you want to leave your state.... and study... and travel the world.... Why not go to Europe, Africa, or Asia? The education is cheaper and even free in some places.

Make plans.

The way I see it..... You don't have the willpower to follow through. How serious are you about all this? How would you feel if you lived at your home close to your neighborhood doing nothing for the rest of your life? Would that be bearable..?

 The only thing stopping me from leaving right now is a lack of money. I got a friend in another state that wants me to come and I agreed I would go to university with them and we might get a place together. I am going to fill out an application to a new job that pays around 19 an hour after I get the last of my college shit done for this semester. The idea of rotting any longer in this shithole drives me insane. I guess you could say one obstacle that I will have to face when I go to leave is my family that like to be controlling and tight. Regardless, I will leave and just try to take the bare minimum of belongings.

I need to get in contact with the community college I plan on transferring to before university since it has a garuantees admission into university through some partnership and just something cheaper to settle in with.

Perhaps after this university, I could go to europe and further it in other fields. 

I have a lot to work on and if I don't improve and get out of here within 3 years. I will probably kill myself out of hate for failure.

As soon as I get my internet back up since it's been down all day which is inconvenient for doing college work, I am going to force myself to go to that community college's website and see if I can contact them and just formulate a plan for me to save up money, take all important shit and drive to the state which I believe is an 18 hour drive from where I live. 

Part of me wants to be open to my family about it but I don't want to deal with the hot emotions of that. It's a lot on the mind and I got to get to it. 

My mother tells me she wants me to have a life away from here even though that's been contradicted in the past. 

She cried when I was originally on campus at a college back in 2018. I made dumb choices, ended up dropping out for marines which I never did because complex reasons that would've gotten me in trouble. TC accused me of being in a cult and while I wouldn't phrase it like that, it was maybe a diluted watered down potential to be a cult since it was an older guy taking advantage of fiery youth and we all wanted the same political agenda. The others broke away and convinced me to leave since I guess he had some sway over me. He wantsd me to travel with him to Russia to be his right hand man, showing me he had the necessary contacts. I don't know whether or not I regret my decision to ditch him. I wish I could talk to him from time to time but all contact was lost and that bothers me.

A few surreal things in life makes me question things in regards to reality but in the end, I will prevail. If I choose to involve my mother and my family in my plans to leave. Then they better not cry or bitch. I can't stand my mom crying, I can't tell if I feel love for my family or not. They piss me off and some of them I want dead but I would rather leave and maybe one day rekindle things or just go and start my own family. I am not ungrateful for what they've done for me, its why its hard to leave. I feel as if I owe a debt but my friends tell me I don't and that I need to be the master of my own destiny. I am just rambling at this point just to try to be open about my flaws and to self-critique my past mistakes. I must progress.

I don't mean to bump this, just that it's something seriously inside my skull, and it is currently nagging at me, as I become increasingly angry. I must change or I will kill myself. I came to this place, merely to ramble about the pressures inside my skull that draw me to type out dreams and desires. Perhaps even influence or find like-minded people. I must ascend. I must become something more. I have to. If I don't. I won't have it. I will destroy myself. I'd rather die than live a failure. 

I am going to finish this semester of school, and get a job and keep it. If I don't. I'll only get worse. I can't let my friend down. I got to get out of this shithole otherwise, I got a plan in my head that will end any future for me whatsoever and I don't want to do that plan. 

I might not even stay on this forum if it continues to consume any time that could be spent towards achieving what I want. 

Lol you have big dreams. Have you considered religion at all?

Cavalier said: 

Lol you have big dreams. Have you considered religion at all?

 Theology is a field I wish to study and experience, same with philosophy. In my youth I was an outcast as a catholic church didn't like my family, regardless I still find myself to have quite a bit of catholic friends, a group of which are heavily dedicated to the faith, and studying philosophy, as well as marxists. TradCath Marxists. They understand my dreams and fascinations, and we discuss from time to time, and they are always trying to help. I just kind of push them away since I get strangely paranoid that I won't fit in with them. It's a bit complicated.

Due to the church and not fitting in, I came across TheAmazingAtheist at a young age and got introduced to the realm of politics and atheism. At one point, I was an anti-theist but I've come to be open to all things, and view different religions as interesting and desire to learn about them, as these are things related to the development of mankind. I think in my own way I have a sense of spiritiualism. I desire to construct an AI god, so I guess you could argue I have a weird qausi religion, but yea. 

I want to experience all cultures and religions, I desire to get to know the entirety of my species. Regardless of whatever demonizations they place on one another. As some would judge me for wanting to visit the DPRK, or the PRC and probably consider me evil for not accepting the judgement placed upon them as "rogue states" and evil "regimes" Especially from the mouth of America, whom I view as no right to speak on such matters. 

Those aside, yes I have considered religion, and want to study religion. Apologies for the drawn out answer.