Recently, I've flirted with the idea. But, I've researched narcissism extensively at this point and found that the only thing I really have in commom with them is grandiosity coupled with a short temper. But, perhaps it is not even grandiosity- narcissists often source their ego from absolutely nothing, it's a false self. But I have felt a relative constancy in myself since early childhood, and for the most part did not live a particularly hard one.
I also do not source my ego from nothing:
I have one because I have thoughts that I never see repeated anywhere else, because I notice so much more than most people in my surroundings, because I am very productive and inherantly grasp concepts (such as mathematics) that some people need a long time to understand, because I am good at exhibiting my thoughts, and because I have faith that with these pros of myself I am at least capable of doing something awesome with them and intend to try to once the big idea hits me (I have a list of potentials but I am still in search of "the one".
I have a lot of energy, stimulants or not and I'm basically perpetually restless. Some people think I ought to drink or smoke to calm down but I see not advantage in it, as my best thoughts come in that mindstate and so also, I pride myself in my aptitude to experience all sensations of life so vividly, the good and the bad, and still carry on by making the best of things and focusing so intensely on my interests that I can get contentment from then alone.
I don't particularly care about socialization but I am capable of love and caring about people. I despise the concept of needing happiness and validation from othera (aka SUPPLY) and do not view such a pointless and fleeting source of happiness as sustainable. Thus, I tend to select a small number of "special individuals" to talk to regularly and show them upmost loyalty (such as with me and delora). I do not intend to discard and they are not my supply. They are human beings that I enjoy collaborating with and have no desire to senselessly stop it because I actually do care about them.
My supply is mechanical and systematic. A lot of things can be supply that are much more sensical. The pursuit of my academic ambitions is supply, logical puzzles and challenges are supply, problems to solve are supply, certain video games (like that new game Sekiro) are supply. 80s music is supply. Synthwave is supply. Typing my posts here is also supply because it is interesting to see people so vastly different from me respond to my ideas and gives room for further pondering, and furthermore developing my own philosophies is supply and therefore, my own brain is my greatest source of supply, and all is supply is independent from other people. Narcissists suffer from the inconvienence to themselves and others of needing others' admiration for supply. I do not demand such admiration, only loyalty and good, high quality conversations.
And that, is why I am not a narcissist.
