Sociopath Community

Tryptamine said: 

You get manic?

Yeah, but not depressed (or if it is depression it's otherwise what I've gone with as my baseline). On paper I'm written as Schizoaffective Unipolar, so basically mood swings precede the madness and doing things to self-medicate that shows promise. 

The mania I have is raw paranoia as a variant, and at the end of the line the thoughts are going so fast that I'm not even in control of what I'm doing (more than my projective philosophy of how no one's really in control accounts for).

I lose the ability to answer any question from how everything feels like it has so many variables, and my self-accountability goes right down the toilet as I've otherwise hit people, ran into traffic, yelled at strangers, or otherwise acted out. 

I've basically had to change my life to revolve around upkeep so that I don't do something stupid. 

Who did you hit?

Tryptamine said: 

Who did you hit?

What, you want me listing names? It's mostly been past classmates, but I've lost it at my father before and once at someone I was dating. I've never just hit a stranger (got close to it once during an OCD panic at the airport when people wouldn't stop walking on the cracks on the ground), the hit's always been a reaction to something, and the hit's always singular with a "wtf" from both parties. 

It wasn't even badass, it wasn't usually self defense, just unprovoked escalation. I basically felt like I had to subjugate myself endlessly in order to even the scales, even when they're essentially forgiving me for the transgression. 

It was fucked up, for some cases I'd not even yell at them or warn them from my not seeing it coming either. When it happens it doesn't even feel real, like I'm in a dream or something that just clicked on, as if I'm not in my body as it's doing bad ideas. The cognizant part becomes too fast to really retain and the next thing I know a path's formed itself and it's just going with it. 

This part's had me yelling at cops and shit, it's bad, but thankfully a life of self-upkeep seems to make stuff more even keeled. 

That's a strange thought, you're usually non-confrontational. What do you feel when it happens?

Tryptamine said: 

That's a strange thought, you're usually non-confrontational. What do you feel when it happens?

I can't really read my feelings like that while I'm in it, I'm just along for the ride. 

Haven't you ever just: 

I get mad when interrupted in the middle of something and become short.

I'm an angel. <3

I'm a control freak 

MauveTaupe said: 

I get mad when interrupted in the middle of something and become short.

That's got to be so awkward when you're otherwise so tall. 

I'm not sure what you mean by my work, but I'd like to think I've grown as a person over the years and I show less of the unlikeable side of me. I've only really regretted treating one or maybe two people badly in recent times -- Luna and Billy; I apologized to both of them. Maybe I also regret a few of the things I said to you, but I think you can handle it.

I'd like to think I'm more mature these days and less moved by things. I'd like to live my life without regrets.

It seems to me like you've also grown a bit over the years.