Just wanted to clarify, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I research various disorders but I don’t fit into any of them quite right. I’m not claiming to be non-nuerotypical or have any particular disorders.
‘’I just used to long for an explanation why I was so fucked up and my behaviors or experiences would be slightly abnormal at times. but I don’t experience any of these abnormalities to an extreme enough degree to qualify for any disorder, and they’re not accompanied with disordered thinking or inhibited function.
The only issue I have been officially diagnosed with is major depressive disorder, anxiety with suicidal ideation, and ptsd. My therapist referred to me having c-ptsd once, so I’m not sure if I have ptsd or c-ptsd.
‘’One psychiatrist reported to my mom that he *thought I had an eating disorder*
one therapist said *perhaps you’re a little ocd* (once)
and another psychiatrist *suggested* POSSIBLE did, or something under the dissociative umbrella I forgot the term he used he may of said Ddnos or osdd I can’t remember. He talked really fast and at the time I didn’t know what these things meant so it didn’t stick well and I was just confused. Basically it isn’t clear in my memory exactly what he said. But he was looking for signs of did because I guess he saw some red flags for dissociation. This psychiatrist only talked to me for two hours, met me once, that’s it. And he was nearly 90 years old. Very experienced, I’m diagnosing did and had patients with it. But, that’s not what I was seeing him for.
and just to clarify, my parents are the ones who have sent me to all these doctors, not me.
I was also sent to a therapist when I was 15 who thought I had ADD.
*shrugs*
anyways yeah so the psychiatrist sat down with my mom and asked her some stuff and was trying to explain to her about DID or otherwise specified dd. And said he thought it was possible I had it because he’d been doing it a long time and said he saw red flags. He said I switched accents multiple times through out the session which I was not aware of at all, and at one point I completely blanked out and he had to bring me back by snapping his fingers in my face etc.
I do know I experience dissociative trances but very rarely (to my knowledge)...
And yeah people have to shake me out of it and saying my name and snapping their fingers seems to be the usual response.
‘’I am aware I have a blacked out traumatic event, which ive been made aware of by my mom, and, it occurred in elementary age. I can’t remember which fucking year but yeah. Around there.
‘’’and i also am aware of an instance where I completely dissociated and went into an inner head space, when I was enduring abuse that was too painful to mentally handle. So in order to not feel it i went in a black box in my head. And felt, saw, experienced none of it. When I woke up I was laying on the ground in a fetal position and shaking.
‘I have experienced other types of dissociation through out my life but, those are the most severe examples IMO. The rest are more in line with DPDR and ptsd I think? Idk. I really don’t know. Symptoms of dissociation can vary with great ,agnitude.
Most recently, a nurse practitioner thought I had cyclothymia, and wanted to prescribe me medication for bipolar disorder. She gave me it to take home, but then I never took it.
I’ve also been given klonopin, abilify, and buspar. I don’t remember the doses but I don’t take any of them anymore and my experiences with them were brief.
I just try not to be on too much medication, as I fear the negative side effects
i also had to see a functional medicine doctor, dietitian nutritionist slash endocrinologist, who told me she thought I had a possible auto-immune disorder but she’d need to do further testing to rule it out.
I had a learning specialist suggest they suspected I had left hemisphere brain damage due to memory and fog i was experiencing, but never did any scans. They wanted me to do brain therapy but it was like too far a drive to go to every week and my parents thought it might be a racket. Seeing as they did no scans I was weary of them diagnosing something like that on the fly without having me even see a proper doctor, so I just didn’t go back. Seemed scammy.
the only med I take that is psychiatric, is lexapro, 20mg. For anx and dep. without it I have panic attacks constantly and dissociate and also have intense suicidal ideation from it, on top of all the prevailing symptoms of depression- and alongside the constant background chatter of anxiety and depression (cognitive processing, thought patterns and moodS are different, to an overwhelming degree that made life more difficult for me and unbearable). Ot really negatively affected me, on top of just feeling shitty a lot, being unable to go places or do things, or even eat and talk to someone. I couldn’t even handle the slightest of triggers, pertaining to violence, suicide, or sexual assault. And was generally far less emotionally stable, as well as in a constant state of depression that held me back so incredibly much I was hardly even the same person.
Examples of dissociation I have experienced I have written a few down in a thread somewhere, I haven’t written a,l of them down of course but, yeah. That will show more examples at least.
i Am better Now than I was before treatment in certain aspects and always healing and growing Internally as well, but yeah.
I Only accept the official clear diagnoses, which are apparent, to me. The rest, I just have researched about and am unsure.
I’ve researched a lot of shit and am always diving deeper understanding neuropsych and physiology shit too, but, that’s just research. For research’s sake.
