Broken record.
The reason I posed that question is because every time I read about child sexual assault I begin to dissociate so heavily thick that I can’t even stand to finish reading what I wanted to read.
I heard about a book recommended from Acrylic and Aether (YouTuber) called when rabbit howls and so I decided to read the preview on google previews.
And I couldn’t even get through the introduction.
I had to put it down because the dissociation regarding the topic of CSA was too nauseatingly heavy. It was very mentally exhausting and strenuous to get through to the point I eventually just had to put it down and- no more for that day. It’s all I could take?
And I just, I don’t know what that’s about.
But yeah it’s pretty difficult for me to read. Dunno why.
last edit on
10/4/2020 10:05:17 PM
A reminder
something I need to mention working on with my therapist is my inability to control rage as a defense mechanism to specific trigger. This trigger is disrespect, particularly from my dad. But in general it’s an anger management thing I have to work on and
the emotional kick back I get from it is so strong I mean, it’s something I need to learn to cope healthily with
Had a panic attack last night. Wasn’t because of meds. Haven’t missed a dose.
I was just looking at a meme about bipolar disorder and I guess it made me feel overwhelmed or something idk, but I started to feel kinda funny and sick?
like i was going to be sick. And I’m nit sure if this was anxiety or what caused it but, then the attack started coming on after that.
I was trying to analyze what was causing it and dig deeper into it, also just trying to note my thoughts and how they were working like.... how it feels.
but the more attention I paid it, the worse it got so I had to stop before it got out of control. And ground myself.
I was down for like 30 mins to an hour just keeping it down.
I just want someone to love me as I am.
Repressed gay emotions came up tonight.
I was writing down specific examples of dissociation and trauma (last night) because I tend to forget them all. Yes, all of them. So as they come up in my memory, I write them down. I have an entire log essentially of, memories that I can’t remember often but, are significant.
This occurs with other memories too that are less significant, i.e not related to trauma or dissociation so I don’t write those ones down. But there are entire chunks just, missing. And every now and then I get a blip, it just depends, other times, it’s sort of like. Not there.
But yeah um... lol. A big thing on that list that I’m seeing more and more evidently as I sort of analyze my memories as they come up and... just looking at my life as it were and, relating it to, feelings and thoughts and things I’ve had difficulty with, or behaviors. There is a high, high. Level of, neglect, that’s been evidently uh, woven into my childhood. Probably from earlier than I can remember unfortunately.
And so, that is a large part of like, my ‘unresolved issues’ and, a large part of my thoughts, behaviors, and family dynamics, etc. It affects, a lot.
I was thinking this morning about it again, as I was making my coffee just spacing out in the kitchen. I don’t know why, that was on my mind but it just was. I think a memory came up in my head of like, something. And i was thinking about dreams I’ve had that, uh... have to do with my mom. And are, quite heavy, and emotionally weighted. Buried, uh. Emotions i guess. In the subconscious. About things, that have happened.
Or maybe it was from seeing the wine glass, because my mom drinks like, my parents had a drinking problem growing up so like, thats a really sensitive thing with me. I wouldn’t admit that these days or make it obvious its’ more of a hidden secret that,... that’s actually been a major sore spot for me. I hide it though. They would hold their drinking over my head and, I guess, a lot of things were, sorta, yeah, neglect. Went on. Ya know.
My version of normal, growing up wasn’t really, like. Healthy, or normal. And it resulted in some weird stuff like.
Early early infant neglect and so on, can cause a toddler to become, unresponsive, despondent seeming, and uh, they don’t relaly cry or, ask for things they need. They don’t respond or ‘check into’ their environment well, or attach to people trying to give them care. They may actually be quite resistant about it or not, respond to it like a normal child would.
Behavioral stuff. And, my mom said, as a child I never cried, or got fussy. Like other kids. And, referred to me as a “Buddha child” because I was so calm. She would drop me off around age four or so, to a baby sitter, and just leave me in the car seat. Sit me on the floor and just leave me buckled into it. And when she came back to pick me up, hours alter, i was still in the car seat, sitting on the floor.
This is just one example of countless, moments that are sort of painting a picture for me, how I was treated.
And beacuse of that, like. It sounds so stupid. But, I have a sore spot, about being ignored by my parents.
The, ‘ignoring’ issue has gotten worse because, as life continued, and i grew into a child, adolescent, pre-teen, teen, young adult. This was their response, to everything. To just, ignore it. They ignored, everything. It was either that or, what qualifies as emotional or physical abuse. It is beyond toxic, on so many levels the psychological trauma of my up bringing but.
I brushed it all off, you know. As people naturally do. I ignored it too.
But eventually everything, just compounding. It eventually does start to, affect you a little. Just an undercurrent of emotion which, you’re programmed, to ignore.
But... like, i said to my mom this evening, as they were both actively ignoring me (like *always*)... I was tryin to say something to my dad but, it wasn’t getting through. I got up to leave because i knew it’s no use, and said, “why are you so mean?” And my mom said to him, “just ignore it.”
And i heard it but, i just walked off. My mom telling him, to just ignore it. After i was trying to explain something about an issue in the dynamic of our relationship (my family is so fucked tbh, i dunno why i try to fix things)
i said to my mom “you can’t just ignore everything forever”
and when the response you know, was just, further... attempt to, distance self responsibility from the blatant issue I’m pointing at. Deflecting, assigning blame, making it seem like, she has no idea what I’m talking about...
i just was like yeah... i know nothing will change. Just thought you should know how i feel.
But i got upset because when i think the main thing I’m hurt most about, which i didn’t realize but, until i felt like, sadness i guess that was repressed. Like, you know. The whole, situation. With, being forcibly in the closet like. Lmao
it’s, it was a pretty rough go... that whole.. um..... situation. God i don’t’ know how to explain what I’m talking about. But yeah. Basically i went through a rough time with that, whole ‘coming out via. Black mail and then being disowned’ thing. And you could say that was a little traumatic. But it’s just the, unresolved like, feeling of ‘un-acceptance’ that eats away at you most.
Knowing they’ll never love who you really are. Sucks. Hard not to become bitter, and angry at times. But, in it’s rawest form, the emotion is just wrought with pain and purest sadness. A dull ache in your sternum.
It’s the only thing I’ve ever cried about in therapy. My therapist was really relieved to see me finally express some form of an emotion she said. Because up to that point, i just never did. Which is normal in trauma you, kind of, don’t cry about it. But it’s the only thing that, felt “good” to cry about. A lot of other things I’ve cried over, just hurt, and hurt. But this was like, a release. Catharsis.
The reason i cried is because I was attempting to go over the story of the night i was disowned, and taking her through that night. And then, uh. When i got to a certain point I dunno what happened but i couldn’t get the words out.
And then i was like “sorry” and wiped my eyes to continue. And she was like, “no, sit with these emotions and let yourself feel it” :) and started asking me more questions in further detail about that moment i was so upset over, really digging that knife in deeper hah.
But yeah, that, same exact type of sadness. Came up again tonight. When i said, ‘you can’t just ignore everything forever’
you know, i realized that... um. It’s not just about, neglect from when i was a child like, there is so much of me, that has been ignored or neglected, and not, like, respected or recognized, or understood.
And i didn’t realize that till now. Like, um. That i should be giving myself a little more credit i guess, for what I’ve been through and um... that i have to heal from.
Anyways i feel like I’m going to fucking throw up now so i need to go um... manage it because now I’m feeling pretty bad. This happens when i talk about things that make me uncomfortable i just get sick to my stomach and feel like I’m going to throw up and have a panic attack and start dissociating.
So yeah. Just gonna do some calming deep breathing and like, yeah. Calm myself so i don’t have another fucking panic attack.
I get overwhelmed and feel like, out of control? Of the futility of my situation and i start flipping out. I think it’s just too much pain for me to see at once and idk how to HANDLE it, or DEAL. So like... my brain just flips out like “i can’t handle that, WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO. DISSOCIATE AS HARD AS YOU CAN. QUICK. WE MUST NOT FACE OUR FEELINGS THAT WE DONT KNOW HOW WE ARE GONNA HANDLE EVERYTHING WILL CRUMBLE AROUND US AHHH CONFRONTATION IS TERRIFYING YOU CAN’T LIVE WITH THAT IT WILL MENTALLY BREAK YOU AHHHH”
so yeah. Pain is overwhelming. Haha. My chest hurts. I need to calm down so yeah I’m gonna try to do that. Def on the verge of having a panic attack now but this was good to write down i think???? For future reference when i forget from repressing it all again tomorrow lmao
When i was in the mental hospital having panic attacks constantly there was a piece of paper i would read that would help me calm down sort of, lol. Reading and reciting these lines to myself over and over again. Because just telling myself “everythings gonna be ok” didn’t work. I learned other grounding tactics and such as well but.
Yeah. This time. The thing I’m having to tell myself is, ‘you are not trapped’
there are a lot of reasons i can have panic attacks over but one of the things that gets me. Is like, i feel like i am back where i was, many years ago as a child when i was getting abused. And at this time i was not allowed to leave, and i was in a situation which i could not escape.
And my brain in response to feeling like that, from being in this fucking house where trauma is for me, and where trauma is BROUGH up for me so much, from so much emotional damage and shit- is i... um. Sorry i sound scattered. Agh.
my brain, in response to feeling like i cannot escape a bad situation starts to dissociate. From the anxiety of that. And then from feeling like i am dissociating, i feel like i am out of control of that, and dissociation is scary-ish because of that sense, and stuff. And uh, then i get anxiety about THAT. And then, the anxiety just builds like, “you can’t escape, you’re not in control, you can’t escape, you’re not in control” and it’s just very overwhelming all while dissociating which is also overwhelming, and having a panic attack. Lmfao
and it can just bring me to my knees like, i feel so emotionally weak from going through that, that i want to cry like a child. And then, at the same time there is this hardened part of me, that like, doesn’t give a flying fuck. And the rational part of me is like, meh, you’ll be fine. And the depressed part of me is like, you should commit suicide. Lmao.
Basically, ptsd is a sickness. We all know that but, I’m just explaining, how it actually works. And so, this is what you like, go through, when you brain is kinda ‘sick’ like, you’ve come down with something.
And it just, affects you in a lot of different ways symptomatically. Runny nose, sore throat, diarrhea, stomach pain, death.
Dissocation, panic attacks, identity confusion, suicide.
And it’s... all about managing the fucking symptoms so you don’t die- and walking this line of, stable mental health as best you can with all this, shit propping you up to keep you there.
And it’s kind of, exhausting. Like, you’re just tryign to live normal life, but on top of that, you have to live, life with, this annoying, thing beside you constantly.
I put blinders up to it a lot of the time and just ignore it but like, it’s still there. Shit will bite you in the ankles sometimes. And you fall right off that fine line of stability you were walking on. Then get back on.
Then get back on, and get back on. And get back on.