Sociopath Community

Turncoat said: 

Legga said: 

Turncoat said: 

The one that sticks with me more than the other ones was starving. Ice chips were helpful for keeping the lips from drying up, so that helped with not having my appearance announce it to those around me.

That's kind of unconventional lol. I can remember someone telling me that they were trying to kill themselves by starvation, but I was pretty sure it wasn't you.

I wasn't talking about it when it was happening, I was mostly staying in bed as a mentally crippled mess with a TV on just for the noises and resemblance of activity. I also wasn't drinking any fluids (save for at most some ice chips moisture). 

The continued not eating made me feel worse which let the funk continue to grow, and it got easier as I did it longer as opposed to more difficult, like my body was adapting to the idea of not wanting it. I however kept a vitamin water in my usual rooms in case I during this slow suicide changed my mind, and in some weird black out I apparently drank one and spent the rest of the day cussing myself out for it. 

I gave up around the time I hit that wall and spent a good long while working at gaining that weight back (I'd lost 30 to 40 pounds as an already fairly lightweight person). I'm still more underweight than when I'd started and arguably less healthy for it. At the time it really felt like the right thing to do, like I had to do it, wanted to do it, like it was an aspiration or goal to accomplish that was just as necessary for my growth as practical things, and that talking about it with people would mean them trying to stop it from happening. 

At any rate, I never thought you'd be the type to off yourself. I've been without food for a pretty long time when I was a student, but I wasn't trying to kill myself. I did it out of pride; I didn't want to ask for help from anyone. 

I straight up stopped getting out of bed for the most part and did nothing with the time but sit there "suffering" (save for enough to have people not help me) and just felt done. To not be done felt too overwhelming at the time, which in itself has a tendency to make further things spiral out of control. 

 Oh no turncoat the filthy prostitute fuck wants to end her shitty miserable drug addicted whore piece of shit life, what a fucking legacy to leave behind u must feel proud of urself u worthless slut. On another note how about u stop speaker phone whining about ur fucking depression unsound like a fucking teenager who thinks there depressed and slits there wrists and posts it online going waaa look at me I’m depressed. I are the most pathetic immature fucking adult I have ever come across. U really must be a prostitute and a slut u worthless fucking good for nothing. End your entire fucking existence u useless antidepressant using witch cunt.

KluKluxKlan said: 

Turncoat I have the reason to believe you are the cancer of this world and must exit it immediately preferably by hanging yourself you fuck.

 I disagree, there are a lot worse people in this world, even on this forum. 

KluKluxKlan said:

Oh no turncoat the filthy prostitute fuck wants to end her shitty miserable drug addicted whore piece of shit life, what a fucking legacy to leave behind u must feel proud of urself u worthless slut. On another note how about u stop speaker phone whining about ur fucking depression unsound like a fucking teenager who thinks there depressed and slits there wrists and posts it online going waaa look at me I’m depressed. I are the most pathetic immature fucking adult I have ever come across. U really must be a prostitute and a slut u worthless fucking good for nothing. End your entire fucking existence u useless antidepressant using witch cunt.

How about stfu? Man, you're annoying as fuck. You're literally like a cockroach. Even if nobody pays attention to you, somehow you're still there looking for validation. Why don't you find a hobby? Chase some girls, do something with your life.

KluKluxKlan said: 

On another note how about u stop speaker phone whining about ur fucking depression unsound like a fucking teenager who thinks there depressed and slits there wrists and posts it online going waaa look at me I’m depressed.

I mean I had someone of weight ask me about it, so I answered. I don't really see where you're coming from. 

PalePeach said: 

KluKluxKlan said: 

Turncoat I have the reason to believe you are the cancer of this world and must exit it immediately preferably by hanging yourself you fuck.

 I disagree, there are a lot worse people in this world, even on this forum. 

I'd say I'm more of a selfish neutrality anyway. In other communities I tend to be taken within the same light as that forum itself. 

Turncoat said: 

I wasn't talking about it when it was happening, I was mostly staying in bed as a mentally crippled mess with a TV on just for the noises and resemblance of activity. I also wasn't drinking any fluids (save for at most some ice chips moisture). 

But, like, why did you choose starvation? Out of all the things, starvation seems like the least appealing suicide method to me. It's like, one day you just felt ah, time to kill myself, let's pick an original method. Lol.

The continued not eating made me feel worse which let the funk continue to grow, and it got easier as I did it longer as opposed to more difficult, like my body was adapting to the idea of not wanting it. I however kept a vitamin water in my usual rooms in case I during this slow suicide changed my mind, and in some weird black out I apparently drank one and spent the rest of the day cussing myself out for it. 

I gave up around the time I hit that wall and spent a good long while working at gaining that weight back (I'd lost 30 to 40 pounds as an already fairly lightweight person). I'm still more underweight than when I'd started and arguably less healthy for it. At the time it really felt like the right thing to do, like I had to do it, wanted to do it, like it was an aspiration or goal to accomplish that was just as necessary for my growth as practical things, and that talking about it with people would mean them trying to stop it from happening. 

Holy crap.

I straight up stopped getting out of bed for the most part and did nothing with the time but sit there "suffering" (save for enough to have people not help me) and just felt done. To not be done felt too overwhelming at the time, which in itself has a tendency to make further things spiral out of control.

Are you doing ok these days, though?

Sounds like a weird feedback loop. I've had similar experiences when I was a kid with my 'tics' (aka bullshit word made up by my psychiatrists). Like, the more I don't do something, the more of an itch it causes. I used to be diagnosed with tourette's syndrome, did I ever tell you that?

Legga said: 

Turncoat said: 

I wasn't talking about it when it was happening, I was mostly staying in bed as a mentally crippled mess with a TV on just for the noises and resemblance of activity. I also wasn't drinking any fluids (save for at most some ice chips moisture). 

But, like, why did you choose starvation? Out of all the things, starvation seems like the least appealing suicide method to me. It's like, one day you just felt ah, time to kill myself, let's pick an original method. Lol.

It's one of the slowest, save for ideas like living out your days like you're already dead. Through the toil and duration of it, I'd be that much more sure over if it's something I do or don't want to do (was the theory). If I'm to go out, I want to feel like it was a 'maturely' done decision instead of something momentary, something impulsive. Something like a gun for example doesn't really give you the option of choice in the same way; There's less dimensions to something as binary as you either do or don't press the trigger, while dying of starvation would be something I could actually witness and consider for each of it's stages. 

My quicker attempts at it that happened prior didn't seem responsible, and just made people think I could be a potential flight risk on bad days. The slow way of dying lead to different chats with the few I was saddled talking to about it from already having social obligations where skipping out on it completely could risk getting the wrong sort of attention when it came to 'Progress'. 

I saw that with enough talking however that doing it slowly resonated more with them or something. Convincing me to stop was more of a chore as they needed to change a mentality more than the impacts of a single momentary decision. Their struggle also reinforced the notion that talking about it with other people's just a buzzkill, and that they don't need such contagion. 

I'd also grown tired of eating, it was a chore and at that time it didn't taste like anything, so... I stopped? It felt like there was no point to it. 

The continued not eating made me feel worse which let the funk continue to grow, and it got easier as I did it longer as opposed to more difficult, like my body was adapting to the idea of not wanting it. I however kept a vitamin water in my usual rooms in case I during this slow suicide changed my mind, and in some weird black out I apparently drank one and spent the rest of the day cussing myself out for it. 

If you have access to food, your body just acts on its own.

I remember having been more or less without food for nearly 2 weeks and I accompanied one of my friends to a restaurant, and made eco-green-bullshit excuse to eat the leftover food. Can't say I ever blacked out, though. I did have similar experiences after not sleeping for 3 days.

I straight up stopped getting out of bed for the most part and did nothing with the time but sit there "suffering" (save for enough to have people not help me) and just felt done. To not be done felt too overwhelming at the time, which in itself has a tendency to make further things spiral out of control.

Are you doing ok these days, though?

Comparatively anyway, those kinds of times however are like having clamps on my skull or something, and the voices (which are me) can be convincing less so through logic and more so through sheer inner-reinforcement, through repetitions of wanting to die distracting as a tangent between every waking activity. It's like having some nasty imp on your shoulder constantly reminding you that sleep and death is easier, that nothing means anything during everything even fun stuff. 

Emotions for me are a bit like temperature in that it can be "too hot" or "too cold", and in that respect it's a bit more room temperature right now. I'm learning to appreciate the frivolous more, "the little things", as my current cope. 

Sounds like a weird feedback loop. I've had similar experiences when I was a kid with my 'tics' (aka bullshit word made up by my psychiatrists). Like, the more I don't do something, the more of an itch it causes. I used to be diagnosed with tourette's syndrome, did I ever tell you that?

You didn't, but it might explain some of your choices online. 

I was some weird OCD/OCPD comorbidity as a part of my schizoaffectivity, as a way to try to control the paranoia (with a tendency to go off the rails). It manifests as a means of trying to take control over unrelated problems (like when Charlie's mother turns the light switch on and off 10 times or so to make sure Charlie doesn't die), but the control freak-ism was able to be turned on itself, an OCD itch to fight OCD. This lead to a sort of feast-or-famine perspective at the beginning, one where bigger messes I'd never made were suddenly appearing and my self care went down notably, but some months into it it became easier to do upkeep without going Blanc-tier on it. 

Turncoat said: 

It's one of the slowest, save for ideas like living out your days like you're already dead. Through the toil and duration of it, I'd be that much more sure over if it's something I do or don't want to do (was the theory). If I'm to go out, I want to feel like it was a 'maturely' done decision instead of something momentary, something impulsive. Something like a gun for example doesn't really give you the option of choice in the same way; There's less dimensions to something as binary as you either do or don't press the trigger, while dying of starvation would be something I could actually witness and consider for each of it's stages. 

This kind of makes sense in a strange way. I guess, initially, it seems weird to me to plan your suicide in such a methodological way, since suicide is usually highly irrational and emotional. My grandpa killed himself when I was a kid, and I doubt he thought it through further than `this sucks.` I guess I shouldn't be too surprised, though, coming from you.

My quicker attempts at it that happened prior didn't seem responsible, and just made people think I could be a potential flight risk on bad days. The slow way of dying lead to different chats with the few I was saddled talking to about it from already having social obligations where skipping out on it completely could risk getting the wrong sort of attention when it came to "Progress". 

I saw that with enough talking however that doing it slowly resonated more with them or something. Convincing me to stop was more of a chore as they needed to change a mentality more than the impacts of a single momentary decision. Their struggle also reinforced the notion that talking about it with other people's just a buzzkill, and that they don't need such contagion. 

I'd also grown tired of eating, it was a chore and at that time it didn't taste like anything, so... I stopped? It felt like there was no point to it.

I find it weird how you dealt with those people. I didn't quite understand what `progress` was in this context. But it seems to me like you think in a very different way than I do, which makes all of this a bit difficult to process for me.

I can understand not eating, though. A lot of people choose to do things to force themselves to `feel alive` when depressed. I went abroad when I was depressed, and it definitely sped up the decision that I felt like I didn't care about anything I had. I took a lot of risks. In the end, it helped. I wouldn't be where I am now if not for those choices.

I thought I could stop it from doing that, and stopped it for a long time, but I dunno I was wrong.

I'm glad my sleep's better than it was like 10 years ago now. 3 days was pretty normal and my college stress had me on one to two week no sleep benders with narcoleptic 30 second to five minute nod offs. 

I'd basically go home to my folks every two weeks to sleep for three days, then return to school.

Comparatively anyway, those kinds of times however are like having clamps on my skull or something, and the voices (which are me) can be convincing less so through logic and more so through sheer inner-reinforcement, through repetitions of wanting to die distracting as a tangent between every waking activity. It's like having some nasty imp on your shoulder constantly reminding you that sleep and death is easier, that nothing means anything during everything even fun stuff. 

Emotions for me are a bit like temperature in that it can be `too hot` or `too cold`, and in that respect it's a bit more room temperature right now. I'm learning to appreciate the frivolous more, `the little things`, as my current cope.

Glad to hear that. Ever thought about quitting this forum? Just wondering.

You didn't, but it might explain some of your choices online. 

I personally think the psychiatrists were completely off the rails with their diagnoses. I was also deemed unfit for school due to a learning disability. But it is one of the reasons I became interested in psychology and, by extension, this forum.

I was some weird OCD/OCPD comorbidity as a part of my schizoaffectivity, as a way to try to control the paranoia (with a tendency to go off the rails). It manifests as a means of trying to take control over unrelated problems (like when Charlie's mother turns the light switch on and off 10 times or so to make sure Charlie doesn't die), but the control freak-ism was able to be turned on itself, an OCD itch to fight OCD. This lead to a sort of feast-or-famine perspective at the beginning, one where bigger messes I'd never made were suddenly appearing and my self care went down notably, but some months into it it became easier to do upkeep without going Blanc-tier on it.

That sounds like torture lol.

So what was your weirdest tic?

Why do u write these long ass obnoxious posts would u just shut ur whore fucking trap and overdose on ur ssris they have clearly made u into a social outcast freak.