It's hard to tell the difference in a place like this. The lines seem often blurred. People also have a lot of misinformation when they try to criticize or attack. I've done it, and others have done it to me. I've definitely attacked people, and others have attacked me.
But it's hard to pick the true attacks apart from the criticism. For instance many people say I'm a narcissist or at least have tendencies. But some of those people I often assume that there is pure malicious intent behind their words when they say this. I've delegated certain members here to an assumption of ill intent and therefore anything they say I dismiss as hate and attacks.
I don't even know if I even care if some of you truly dislike me, because I think a lot of you might be sadistic and I wouldn't wanna be liked by a person like that. At the same time I also feel that I'm disliked out of some kind of misconception on both ends. And I just can't justify some of your flaws in my head. It's very hard to show empathy to people who seem to dislike me for no apparent reason. And if there is a reason I just don't get it.
At the end of the day I'd like to be cool with everyone but I'm repeatedly provoked until I just make myself look bad. Part of me wants the people I feel are irredeemably beyond redemption to still have hope to improve. It's kind of depressing to behold a lost cause. I'd like to be able to feel comfortable being cool with more people but they just consistently show that they're not worth the time or effort to be cool with. Also, stubborn people who are fucked up and won't change frustrate me too much for me to shut up.
Having enemies isn't pleasant. Especially when you're unsure how it even happened to become that way. I can be critical of people though, maybe that's it. But when I was criticizing people like challengeseeker back in 2018 that was applauded. I really don't know what happened to the praise.
Even the people who would mindlessly hate on me if they are, it's a shame. Except Jim whom I consider a broken man who is hopeless, I can't help but feel bad for those who are missing out on an ally as good as me. Their sadism is sorely misplaced. And if people genuinely dislike me, I don't get it. I only strive to be real and unapologetically me. So, if by acting like how I actually am and people don't like it, I guess they aren't worth the time. I should only associate with people who want the real me. I could easily fake a more likeable persona but I don't want to mislead anybody on who I am. It's like I know what to say to win people over but it would be fake.
I know that overall, I'm not hated here. But a select few definitely target me or dislike me... and if it's not sadism I can't fathom why. But they've definitely made me get all mad and act out in an embarrassing way and get a bit too hateful. If it isn't just sadism, that kinda bothers me that somebody would just "dislike" me... like truly there must have been some kind of misunderstanding because I know I'm not unlikeable and there has to be some fluke at play here. I can't do anything about sadists but I wish I could do something about those with a real reason to not like me because I don't like that.
Anyway this is a Blanc style stream of consciousness type post. Just some stuff I was thinking about.
