The reality of it didn’t really start to sink in or hit me, until i was washing a cup.
I’ve been washing things by hand, the same cup over and over. Don’t know why i jiust, like to use this cup because it has measurements on the side.
Yes i drink out of a giant measuring cup because, I’m precise with how i make my coffee.
Anyways. The numbers started wearing off, the the measurement markings. Because of how much I’ve been fucking scrubbing that thing.
And... i thought to myself at first, “going to have to go to target to get a new one.”
And then as I’m washing it i just thought.. wait a second. Lol that means i have to go to the store.... [major risk factor]
and i thought... well... I guess i won’t, be getting a new one soon...
and then i just kind of looked around my kitchen for a second like... it just kind of hit me lol
i wanted to cry at that moment because the devastation the world is in. I just realized the atrocity of what is happening around me ya know?
I vented to it about it to a friend online, and she told me she had a similar experience earlier that day, that she actually started crying about all of it.
It’s overwhelming emotionally for, a lot of people I’m finding. Online. Obviously it is,
but. Yeah... i had this sort of emotional breakthrough one evening, about a week or two into the initial outbreak in Wuhan china. And i was de as ted at the death toll and started crying talking about it at the dinner table with my parents.
Because it broke my heart to know what was done to these people. Some were locked in their houses and lit on fire.
After this i stopped paying attention to the news but, kept it strictly monitoring the outbreak, the numbers. Kept it purely analytical.
Then, once it got out hand by the fourth or so week into the outbreak, (i started recognizing this was all going to go very sideways very quickly) i just went into a sort of survivalist mode with the research and preparation i was doing. Kept it very clean cut, only to what information was relevant. As the swarm of, information out there regarding this, had just gotten out of control. And a lot of it was contradicting.
Sorting through, rumors, gossip, facts, fiction. There wasn’t time for that, there was just time, to prepare for the worst is what it’s come down to.
And the week before the US started locking down, i felt this creeping sense of doom. As if it was a dark shadow closing in on us. I knew what was coming, and i could feel it pensively. Everyone anxiously waited for the words to be uttered on national television, press conference held by the White House.
Finally during one of the daily updates, he utters the words, “shelter in place.” A nicer way of saying, quarantine.
And since then, it’s just been.. incredibly boring, honestly.
The day before the quarantine, i had this attitude of, “just live life to the fullest while you can, because we don’t know what will become of us, love your family, eat the cake, buy the shoes.”
That was my attitude.
And so, the last dayS of freedom i spent, doing things i enjoyed, for myself.
Looking back on it- i did all the wrong things. And if i had it over to do again, i would.... of done a lot more of it outside.
I would of been at the park, or the beach. I would of had the best vegan tacos and burgers, fries. Or Asian food at one of those, Kobe steak houses. I would of gone to the movies, and eaten pop corn and junk food and Coca Cola with my hands.
I would of gone out to festivals and concerts. Bars. Talked to people.
I always thought i was a seriously introverted and antisocial person, but, now that I’ve been stuck in this isolation, i recognize there is a part of me that does genuinely desire human connection. Contact. In, person. And, enjoys socialization- even if it is trivial, even if it is mundane, like work. At the office or, the hospital.
*sigh*
i miss being able to, go to work, as insane as that sounds.
i thought i would like the free time with no work to do, no school work, no work work, not really any bills, they can’t evict me, it’s illegal now to do so.
I want to walk along the beaches of California in the sun, i want to, be free. And run, and laugh, and smell the fresh fucking air.
And see people around. Everywhere. Dogs and people, people of all kinds.
I miss, the busy hub-bub of the world, the way in ran, and flowed. The structure we had, the daily commotion, the involvement- the connection.
It was immersive. It was, full of life.
And now, our planet is dead and solitary... managing, a crisis which we can barely keep at bay.
Oh well... all we can do is hope and wait for things to get better.
Predicted less than 30 days from now the virus will be at it’s peak. We don’t really know though, do we.
When will it stop? Hopefully soon. This 30 day stretch in front of me, (most likely 3 months minimum, 18 months maximum) looks absolutely, so long right now.
The last time i felt like this, abotu looking at a stretch of a week or two in front of me, was when i was in the mental ward. Days felt slow like this too, then. Because of my experience with isolation i am used to it, i know how to cope with it.
The key is to just read a lot. Look out the window a lot, and sit and meditate in the sun. Focus on its rays beaming into you.
Believe it or not, that is something we still have to be very grateful for.
Reading and journaling can pass time really well. Watching movies. Doing puzzles.
The other day my nephew and i were doing colorings and talking about the corona virus. He is four.
And it was a simple pleasure that i enjoyed. More, than, i used to.
Because of having so little stimulation, this was like, the highlight of my day was playing with crayons and pillow forts.
And, he said, “if i get the corona virus i will die” and i said, “you don’t have to worry, there are really great doctors making really good medicine for us. And it will make us all better.”
That was a lie.
