Sociopath Community

when trauma failures to register 

https://teeething.tumblr.com/post/182160910131/pyrrhics-d-a-r-k-s-e-a 

Purple pills and lines, lines lines,

Do it for the rush. Do it for the high

Tell me why my feet take me no where

Though I’ve been walking for miles

Life just gets harder and i just get higher

The tax in flights i write off and spend the rest of the checks

Filling in the empty spaces

Get me by today

Tomorrow and, another day

Purple pills and fuzzy trees

Make the best of things

I promise, remember you forever

In loving memory

The best of intentions

Still the water turns red

The injuries don’t fade

Like you thought they would

You start to realize, life is unfair

And healing, isn’t granted to all of us

We fade into the darkness

And find another way to be us

High on dust, we made a way

To be the best us

Making the best of things

When things go wrong

A part of me died 

titanium eyes

a part of me never coming back to life.

[...And now my eyes are, titanium. I’m frozen, like a statue.]

I scold myself for dwelling on you, but, you’re the reason

The garden’s vines have grown over me,

And i remain lost, in this forgotten territory

Behind iron gates, the rust, and squeak open when you swing,

Hell, is not burning, or freezing,

It is, nothing.

Pure nothing.

There is nothing, I’m more terrified of, than the idea of

Feeling this way, for an eternity.

I’ve had plenty of, opportunity. To move, on, with my life and, try my hand, and happy.

But i just don’t want it anymore, because i can’t feel it.

I feel like, I’ve been sitting in a lobby, for, ten, years.

And at this point, what’s, another minute.

In the great big empty silence, that goes on, and on, and on.

And she says she wants to marry me,

Meanwhile, i can’t stop counting the tiles on the ceiling.

She tells me she loves me and… i just stare at the floor…. and say nothing.

I feel like a film, that’s had the audio corrupted, and this sweeping silence

Remains through out. As it plays, all the way through

On the big screen. For no one, to hear.

And you wonder, what’s she saying?

But all you can see, are her eyes squinting behind glasses, staring at the ocean.

What is she doing? It all feels like nothing when the actions appear aimless.

Without the words, the meaning is lost.

I’m like a ghost, floating in my own clothes,

Trying to remember who i used to be.

And i don’t know, who’s, life this is.

But it isn’t, mine.

I tie her shoes, i wear her hair, tied back. And i look at her hands,

I sleep in her bed at night. And i wonder, who is, she.

How could i ever go, on, like this. After so much has happened?

The more I’m awake, the more reasons i find, to end it.

And just as, i think I’ve found, peace. The, tide starts rushing in again,

The sun sets and, the coast goes cold. And my hands go numb

From freezing

And i can feel the icy air in my lungs

And i feel like an astronaut, floating into outer space, from somewhere far away.

I can only hope to wake up, in the morning, somewhere sunny

And less dangerous

Contentment is out of the question when, you exist on a never ending string, which keeps unraveling.

The little island oasis you find in your mind, is quickly surrounded and engulfed, by the elements.

It outgrows you, its faster than you, it chases you, and swallows you whole.

And this is the void, we live in. The big, great, deep void. So heavy,

And so, powerful.

There is nothing stronger, than it

It is just, a game to play that you’ll never win

Up against

You start to feel like, it’s your only friend

Though you hate it too

It’s the only thing around anymore

When it’s just you

stuck

my teeth are falling out of my head and my vision degrading 

I haven’t written for years now and 

we’re not the same people anymore 

I used to worry about what the smoke in my lungs was doing to me 

but now it seems so harmless 

compared to the hell I’ve seen 

I thought I’d bounce back 

like I always did 

but instead I’m more like a flat tire, or a car broken down on the side of the road 

and I can’t, start, again. 

what you are

You are my waking breath

The smoking haze that lingers behind me

My waking flame

The flowers the blossom in the Paris rain

You are the colors that i forgot about

But when painted all together

Are breath taking

You are in my back pocket

And every stormy shadow

And creeping midnight kiss

Through tangled sheets

And sighs

I miss the way you touched me

And said good bye

And the way you folded into me

And made the world right

All my life i felt like i was looking for something

And when i met you i feel like i finally found it

You were the diamond ring at the bottom of the ocean

That swept away with the tide

The starry night that paints the sky

In the darkness

You are the sole reason i got on my feet

And oh how much heavier they felt

When you were missing

You are the lead poison ink in my skin

You are the rose petals delivered to my door step dipped in toxic mercury and fentanyl

And the stench of death you carry, a warning sign

Was masked, with fermaldehyde

I should of seen the yellow flashing light

Telling me not to fall so quickly

But i couldn’t slow my heart beat

Or the rush of blood to my cheeks

You are the drug that swept me off my feet

And i would jump from a plane at 30,000 feet

Just to feel it, one more time.

Now you are the ash on my finger tips i can’t get rid of

And they leave a mark everywhere, i , look

Smudges of grey, and black

Slowly everything, became stained

I’m so tired, of the stale taste, of lingering heart break

I never would of touched you had I known, you’d leave such a stain

Life is like roses

Every positive and beautiful and wonderful thing

is cut off at the stems
 

But I am stuck to you like glue, in my heart and it is impossible, to remove you, from me. You are stuck inside me in every fiber, of my being and the synapses that connect my mind piece by piece. You are everything. Everything to me. 

[Candy (2006) directed by Neil Armfield]

excerpt from "what is going on and can I stop it? "

"I feel very stuck in limbo, for years now it seems like my

life stopped happening?? 

like it feels like it just kept going, as things do almost like inertia after impact but I’m still like stuck like frozen in time while everything else just accelerates forward 

and I’ve been stuck in this limbo for years”

like the momentum of life for me is like so... absent. And I can’t pick up the pace again, feels like trying run up hill at a 75 degree angle or something. 

it’s hard and every step that goes by you’re just doing it to get somewhere but you never really do, get somewhere 

it just keeps going and going and going"