Sociopath Community

I’m like really checked out and like tired all the time 

and people don’t like it ya know 

my face lacks expression or people can sense the detachment or lack of feeling and they fill in the blanks with assumptions and their own insecurities 

it just creates messes for me to clean up from a problem I can’t correct. That’s like a mountain of a problem and I can’t just cover it up by pretending to smile, it’s too, hard. Exhausting even. 

and uh... yeah I want to integrate you know and connect but like, I just can’t. And I don’t know what’s in the way or what’s holding me back from doing that but 

I think it has to do with a failure to process trauma that’s like holding me back, or keeping me stuck mentally in this limbo is what I’m guessing? 

im just writing this down so I remember to tell my therapist at this point but yeah... 

I uh... I just dunno yeah I’m like stuck. In a very, needy, helpless feeling place which, reminds me a lot of how I was as a child I think. 

meanwhile I’m in this adult body having to do adult life and like, I can barely bring myself to even be present half the time 

I don’t know how to fucking be normal 

it’s an ideal to think that I can be so I’m trying to find other ways of income that will suit my reality 

but it’s just such a difficult thing to work around. Being so detached and depressed and emotionally fucked that you can’t, maintain a stable normal life very easily seriously sucks but if I did I would just be white knuckling 

and I’m so so tired of that. You burn out. 

and I’m so tired of being burnt out. 

I think oh if I just had tons of money everything would be fine but no, that wouldn’t solve anything at all, I know that... I would still feel the same way.

im trying to like heal and move on from feeling that way and get some sort of closure and renewal like. There is some sort of unresolved issue or grief or something just weighing the fuck out of me way down 

and I just want to feel lighter and free and happy again. 

which is why ya know, getting high. But. I’m not so certain that’s a solution it’s just symptom management or like masking moods 

a coping mechanism with the circumstances which ultimately will not change, unless addressed therapeutically? 

but yeah some people believe there is nothing to resolve and you just, are what you are and no need to figure out why. Aka depressed. 

but I don’t know if that’s true. 

my therapist said I could go back and be that old version of myself again and I’m not broken at this point but I can move forward and decide who I am now but

thats just the thing is.... I don’t have the energy. To “be” anything. 

All I can do is lay in bed and it’s so stupid 

like I know I’m supposed to do other shit but what can you do when you don’t feel like it and everything is miserable? 

You know you can train yourself to have an inner monologues instead of boring us all right? you should be in therapy for that

Learn to meet your own needs for this

let listening to your own monologue in your head or journaling be enough without expecting other people to want to hear you go on and on neverendingly. find pleasure in listening to and acknowledging yourself without needing other people to know every single thought you have

use your mind as a tool, its there for you to control if you put the hard work and effort into it

Talk to your doc about getting addy maybe. You said caffeine helps your mood. Maybe a stimulant will help lift your spirits and help you focus

prettiestofflowers said: 

You know you can train yourself to have an inner monologues instead of boring us all right? you should be in therapy for that

She claims that she can't hear it, even though it's what has her type soooooooooo much on here. 

Learn to meet your own needs for this

How, how is she supposed to just stop having this glaring flaw? 

PalePeach said: 

Talk to your doc about getting addy maybe. You said caffeine helps your mood. Maybe a stimulant will help lift your spirits and help you focus

Omfg no, this is the last thing Blanc needs, like literally the last thing. It will kill her from her lacking the discipline to not handle it like an addict, and it's already wicked addictive even towards non-addictive types of people. Quitting that shit after just a week is already hellish enough. 

It'd just make her stuck in a manic state hyperfocusing harder than she already is on the same things she can't stop talking about.

It's one thing to take stimulants, it's another to take stimulants when you already have strong rushes that resemble it. 

Blanc said: 

I feel very stuck in limbo, for years now it seems like my life stopped happening?? 

Me too, but that's life. Your own traits and qualms are what brought you to this point, as we're always living as we'd prefer. If you preferred differently, you'd be working on it already, so you likely just prefer to prefer otherwise from the self-indulgence and catharsis you find from airing out your malaise.

If you really think it's in your capacity to do more, then you need to baby step it for about three weeks without quitting the new behavior until it solidifies as a new habit.



It gets easier, everything gets easier to handle if you deal with it all the time, even murder. If something is having you not handle it, that's what you ought to be focusing on, not just the lack of outcome without it's individual steps.

and I’ve been stuck in this limbo for literal years and I can’t get the pause button off you know? Like I just wanna hit play and everything resume to normal but I can’t “go”

like the momentum of life for me is like so... absent. And I can’t pick up the pace again, feels like trying run up hill at a 75 degree angle or something. 

Me too, me too. You can't push yourself, I don't believe in you, but I think you could be pushed by someone else as an expression of your latent, over-sensitively picky codependency issues. You always look towards others for your own answers, ALWAYS, so there might be something to that that you can use to pick yourself up.

You likely need a life coach to live with you to keep you on the straight and narrow, and for that to happen they'd need to be pushing you to be better than you currently are... and you'd need to let yourself take more chances with them.

Now when I say a life coach, I don't mean another junkie. If you keep looking for those as enablers instead of looking for people who challenge you, you'll find yourself in the same place 20 years from now, unendingly.

it’s hard and every step that goes by you’re just doing it to get somewhere but you never really do, get somewhere 

Like lifting weights, you have to scale to higher tiers or you won't get anywhere further than jogging in place.

it just keeps going and going and going 

Until it suddenly stops, that's the beauty of it all.

up and up and up and you’re just like ok what the fuck is this all leading to

The only things you can get out of life are the things you seek. It isn't leading you anywhere in the way that a movie plot or script would, you're responsible for your own destiny.

bjt there literally is no where for this lead to 

and that fucking nothingness like I see it everywhere in everything all the time? And everything feels extremely pointless (literally everything) to a point I struggle to find the motivation to do anything 

Perhaps your next hurdle is to instead accept that this is who you are? The stress over "BUT I COULD BE BETTER THAN THIS" could very well be what's stopping you from becoming better, while having less stress in the queue over accepting yourself as this lonely sad sack might be how you suddenly find yourself doing more.

Watch some Bojack. It's depressing, but self-indulgently so. I feel like BoJack himself would really resonate through you.

I used to have drive and passion, and I explored and went on adventures and met new people and did exciting things. I squeezed expression out of myself and, I connected with people. I had aspirations and goals. I cared enough, to at least manage my appearance. 

Were you still in school?

but slowly all of that.. has gone away. And now, I hate the sound of my own voice and all the songs I write sound empty and the same. The passion is gone. I couldn’t care less if my hair completely fell out and I neglect myself to the point of acquiring dread locks.

Bullshit, you made this topic to complain about how much you aren't caring for yourself. You get off to the whining, and identify with it to the point of preferring to watch other media people do it too.

The only reason you "Couldn't care less" is over how you care too much about everything to the point of physical languish and an overloading mental standstill.

Then I cut them out and I get more. The cycle repeats. I hate my appearance, so much I, kind of avoid it. I don’t take care of myself much, and when I try to I’m just reminded of how much I don’t like myself.

We already knew this over your addiction to makeup.

Though I know I should, I just don’t like it I don’t like my present or what I’ve become.

Again, maybe the real work here is over you accepting yourself instead of trying to change who you are.

And ya know I feel like my life was supposed to go a certain way

No, it was meant to become exactly what it is now, otherwise it wouldn't have happened that way.

"Supposed to" is human bullshit, a myth, shrouding the truer "How they'd have preferred it work out".

or just, a way at all but somehow I completely derailed and dell off the tracks and I’ve just been off that track now for a long time just like lost and lingering 

Stop. Drinking. Caffeine.

If you won't, then you don't actually want to get better and should accept that instead. 

and I think oh it’s just a matter of discipline but I’ve already tried that. Oh it’s just a matter of, trying your best but, I’ve already done that. I still got fired. 

You're affluent at work from knowing that being fired won't mean you missing a rent payment or otherwise starving.

You will never get better while you're still on handouts, so you ought to ask yourself if you actually even want to get better, or if you ought to merely stop this bellyaching (in a non-self aware way anyway) and accept that this is who you are now, and that who you once were has been replaced with you. 

I just want to get better and go back to a time where I wasn’t like too sick to function and it’s stressing me out 

No you don't, otherwise you'd do it. In case you're too clenched up to think of all the steps:

1) Caffeine lowers your immune system, so if you want to not feel sick, stop drinking it until you adapt.

2) Get out of the house more, even if it's just to people watch (people, not movies or books). Even something as small as talking to someone who's ringing up your groceries is stepping in the right direction.

3) Sey nu 2 drugz. Obvious point in your case, but if you can't just accept your lifestyle as a dependent user parasite then this is something you need to strictly stick to.

4) This includes pharmaceuticals, doctors are not The Word of God any more than your experienced drug dealer.

5) Take more hot baths, burn some incense or candles, and otherwise let yourself relax so that you can clear out the think queue.

6) Pay more attention to what other people are saying, assume they have a reason to say these things that has to do with you even when they're otherwise "WRONG" about you. Their assumptions didn't come from nowhere, and they may see something about yourself that you don't. They may not "get" what you're going on about, but that's no excuse to ignore what they are otherwise going on about as a reaction to it.

7) Fix your diet, certain nutrients are essential brain food and can make or break the difference between a functional day and a dysfunctional one. We are what we eat.

8) Give Youtube a rest and try to come to some of your own conclusions. You may THINK that this research into "What is wrong with me?" is going to cure it, but instead you end up creating psychosomatic symptoms out of your stress and otherwise self-indulge in "Woe is me" behavior while in the midst of it. If you want a happier life, you need to stop filling it with people complaining about useless nonsense as if it's going to provide you some sort of enabled outlet catharsis.

You won't do any of this, but if you really wanted to get better this is where you'd start. Once you find yourself not trying to make your life better, you ought to focus on that if you want to get closer to the building yourself up far enough to snowball.

Turncoat said: 

PalePeach said: 

Talk to your doc about getting addy maybe. You said caffeine helps your mood. Maybe a stimulant will help lift your spirits and help you focus

Omfg no, this is the last thing Blanc needs, like literally the last thing. It will kill her from her lacking the discipline to not handle it like an addict, and it's already wicked addictive even towards non-addictive types of people. Quitting that shit after just a week is already hellish enough. 

It'd just make her stuck in a manic state hyperfocusing harder than she already is on the same things she can't stop talking about.

It's one thing to take stimulants, it's another to take stimulants when you already have strong rushes that resemble it. 

For real though, adderall is not too different from meth, and it increases a sense of craving for other substances (many smoke more nicotine and drink more alcohol). 

It's a death sentence to throw Meth at Blanc.