How often are you sick?
Rarely
I also may be moving to Colorado to work at a rehab, I was offered a position there by a close friend who owns the rehab.
3 months ago you were copping drugs and saying how dope sick you were. Do you really think you are qualified to work at a rehab?
Sc is pretty boring.
I’ve been in the process of recovery for years now. I was offered the position by a friend, but I’m not involved in the treatment process, I’ll be working more on the running of the facility side of things.
But yeah, as you know, clean time starts over when you have a relapse. I had one three months ago, I’ve been clean since. I just take benzos for panic attacks and sometimes smoke weed for my depression.
But yeah this facility is pro-medication assisted recovery, which includes medical marijuana.
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2/19/2020 7:33:09 AM
Forgot to mention during the last week while i was very anxious a lot of the time
i also was having a flash back storm the whole week because of the resurfacing trauma
waking up sweating and not knowing where i am momentarily, freaking out and things like that
and yeah instead of just having one glimpse while driving or something, 1 glimpse per week it was like, hundreds per day for a week straight
to a point my head was constantly in the past at various years of it
non, consecutively remembering things in vivid detail
and it was just too much dude
so yeah I’m calling it a flash back storm cuz it kinda rains over you or reigns over you in a way like lightning lighting up your mind and it just won’t stop. Much like thunder and lightning. Like brief but still there
KMJIUYGTFRDCGBHJI*UY&TFRBGHNJUYGTFBGHNJIHYGTFBGHNJIUYGTFBGHNJUYGTFVBHNJUYGTFGBHUJYGTGBHJUYGTFBHNJUYGTFVBGHNJUYTFRCVBGHJUYHGTBHNJI
I totally feel you.
I think I had a dream last night I wrote a book about my life. That shit was wild.
Also life update, I broke up with my girlfriend because she told me she was still married and she still loved him. And I just don’t have time to play myself like that like investing my whole damn heart in someone who only has their foot half in the door with me. You’re either all in or you’re all out and that’s how I roll. I don’t do back burner shit.
im not your lesbian play toy. And when the relationship isn’t treated like a real relationship because of that fact, I not only wish for a different or better relationship- but also it’s a fucking turn off. Like that’s just not what I want. It feels wrong.
So yeah. I’m just doing me. I’m a little sad about it but at the same time I’m not surprised at all, I saw all the warning signs but I was just hoping maybe the kinks would iron themselves out. Instead they just got worse and more frequent as things unfolded and the relationship was getting messier and messier and more of a train wreck. Like we were arguing and shit. It just wasn’t good.
love her, but the relationship itself was not good. For a lot of technical reasons so. I just broke it off after kind of making a list of all the shit in my head about the issue kind of weighing it out like... does this make sense to do this... and after putting it all on paper I’m like yes it very clearly does lol
I have to protect my own heart too sometimes these days because people out here be WILDIN.
anyways, I’m still just in the process of renovating and moving my life around transitioning physically to a new place and then trnaisifioninf to new job and blah blah blah.
ans then business and school stuff.
Junkie is still living on my couch, doing 8mg of subs a day and slowly cutting it down supposedly? And then doing .5mg of klonopin a day. We also smoke bud together at night now.
I was getting so tired of my now ex gf and how much she talked and just she was a very exhausting person to date and kind of aggravating or annoying in a lot of ways so it’s nice everything can just be chill now. She was always trying to get me to hook her up with coke which I felt obligated because I was dating her but now I can just be like nah. I got in a sketchy SKETCHY situation last week because of her ass trying to help everyone get the drugs they needed and shit I’m like NAH sorry bruh I got a future I’m not trying to die today holy shit? So I’m not helping her stupid ass get more coke to damage her brain with and I’m not cleaning up her friends vomit anymore off my couch which btw I’m getting rid of now
this friend was MESSY let me tell you and soooooo fucking bpd it was annoying. I just got fed up man with people like ransacking my life and making my apartment a mess like
I don’t wanna drive to pick you up I don’t wanna go to the hood I don’t wanna party till 5am I don’t want to talk about trauma or ex boyfriends and all the dumb bull shit you talk about.
leave me alone lol
Like I get it we’re friends or whatever but the only time I see you is when you’re drunk yet you pretend like you’re there for me and shit? And like you just use me. You use my gas. My car my credit card my apartment you vomit on my shit you fuck your friends in my bed like stop it this behavior is disgusting and I just was getting so sick of them I literally kicked them out of my apartment three times now
because they just don’t know when to stop like the party is over go home
no but they try and stay for three days and shit and I don’t wanna talk about your ex boyfriend for three days I’m sorry you really need to see a therapist and get your shit together because I can’t help you
and then when it comes to me I’m invisible like my needs aren’t considered I’m being walked all over by these selfish people Im just over if they’re rude and ratchet
there I said it.
going to only have friends with class from now on
and dude this junkie like I’m helping him out but like why is he still in my house he was supposed to go to rehab but it fell through because of his insurance. I know a place he can go without it but I feel rude to suggest it as it is his decision but like when is he planning on leaving??
and then my ex boyfriend called me and tried to like be friends with me at 5am yesterday and I’m like lol what for you’re a fucking douche dude lol bye
I didn’t say that I just said “yeah sure... we can tottttally be friends. I gotta go tho alright cyaaaa” *hangs up*
IDGAF lmao (this guy cheated on me like wtf I’m sorry I don’t wanna be friends)
🤗
and that’s today’s mood. That’s the tea. Subscribe. Bye for now I guess??
does anyone wanna see part four of my haul I never did lol that I said I would do???
idk lol
-
also flu update/ I took some vitamin c and fever reducing Tylenol and drank some water and I felt better in the morning
not Sure why I felt like shit for one night and then it all went away but I’m not mad it did. Going to keep taking the vitamin c and more immune boosting things and supplements etc just being healthy AS FUCK
to make sure I stay out of it as my white blood cells may be werking their hardest right now without my knowledge fighting something off
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2/19/2020 11:31:46 PM
I was offered a position, so I wouldn't be leeching it's just my lease is up March 29th. And month to month payments are more expensive. I'm not leeching, I was paying my rent it's just I happen to get fired so I'm between jobs. You gotta chill dude.
If I do choose to work at the rehab, I would be away from my family which is my only support system if I'm having a mental health crisis.
So I'm just on the fence about it. But yeah, I'll be fully independent if I accepted the position.
My girlfriend is already on board with moving out there with me to work there, but yeah it would just be a big adjustment. I'm really excited about it though, and even if I don't work there full time, I will continue to fly out there to support the rehab here and there in whatever ways I can. Just as service work, helping a friend help, people.
Because I really love what they're all about.
I'm also in the process of getting a small online business off the ground, and I have broad horizons in that domain how far I will go with various business adventures. But yeah, so I'm putting what I can into savings right now is why I'm not so into the month-to-month thing, so it makes sense to live at my grandfathers house so I can save to support my business investment opportunity.
Ontop of this I'm also doing other school work because I'm still oriented around certain career goals of mine, which do coincide with my work in the rehab and the business adventure I'm embarking on. Together the three things I'm investing my time in support each other, if that makes any sense.
why did you get fired? i mean i can imagine why with your attitude and victim complex, but why did they say they were firing you?
last edit on
2/19/2020 11:42:19 PM
My boss’s words exactly, “you seem not all there” and when he said that he motioned his hands vaguely around the top of his head and the air above his head. And looked at me and said, “ya know?”
and no, I don’t know. Idk how I appear to other people but according to everyone I know I am “super spacey” seeming.
My boss also told my gf (he didn’t know we were together) he said, “you should stay away from (insert my name here) she’s.... ya know...” and did that same motion above his head with his hands indicating vaguely nothing???
But yeah I think it’s just being disconnected and withdrawn, dissociated. He wasn’t about how out of touch I guess I appear to other people? Not sure how it looks but everyone who knows me suggests... that I am vaguely those adjectives or whatever pertaining to that realm