I better update before I forget honestly. My memory sucks, it’s all over the place but yeah
Basically since the psych visit, I was doing okay and then I got depressed, and started writing privately about heavy stuff that was related to what can of worms got opened in the psych visit
and i just got overwhelmed because it was so much shit!!
And then i tried to journal again, and i got overwhelmed AGAIN, and i did this a total of two more times. I still have them saved. I tried to read over them and post them here for records sake but they were too overwhelming, i had panic attacks from reading them and then the idea of them being “out there” made the anxiety and panic even worse? So i just took it down
because it was so uncomfortable to me like, I’m not used to having that out in the open like that and im just not ready to face that. I realize now i operate most of the time very segmented off from that shit. And the things i do are all escape mechanisms from that, past.
And yeah... it was just too raw i guess to have out in the open it felt way too vulnerable and i wanted to stuff it back down just so i could function again in the sate I’m used to which is ignoring all of that. I cant ignore it if I’ve recorded it in my journal officially so i wanted hide it from myself.
But yeah um... it’s like denial. Now i get why i had a problem with deleting things? But yeah i promise i wont delete those docs. They’re crucial because uh... i dont have access to those memories all the time. And i knew that when i was writing it down, i would forget so thats why i chose to write it down
but yeah i just wasnt ready to have that on the “front” all the time of my mind like that it was way too much for me to handle.
It got stuck on the front for weeks and really sucked, i spent majority of my time out running my feelings (anxiety and depression) and drug seeking because of it. Trying to stuff it back down and forget again, doing whatever i could to forget. Hence why i stopped journaling.
Thinking about it gave me anxiety attacks, and dissociative symptoms to a very high degree.
The only socializing i did was to buy drugs or hang out with my gf and friends, which entailed mostly doing drugs at night/drinking together. Apparently one of these nights i called my ex boyfriend and we had a full conversation, none of which i have any recollection of. I was not drunk. But it’s possible that night I was on benzo’s, I just can’t remember.
It’s all a blur these last few days, week, whatever it’s been. Since I last made my update video wearing the red hat.
My memory of all of it is patchy and i have no idea how much time passed... I’m so mentally like, fucked. Like a patchy radio signal or something... is what it’s like trying to look back on my life.
I think just because of the anxiety i was experiencing and occasional bouts of dissociation and my need to escape, as well as bouts of depressive mood.
And then i also partied with friends a few nights on Friday and Saturday and smoked weed, and Sunday night i smoked weed as well. Which was helping with my anxiety a little.
Monday i had to go to the doctor and get my car’s AC fixed. Also i have a friend staying with me here this last week, because he is homeless I’m helping him.
But yeah so Saturday and Sunday and i believe Friday night, and other nights as well this past two weeks my gf has been hanging with me and just she talks about a lot of traumatic stuff that happened to her and it’s triggering for me/ unearthing shit, and also causing me anxiety / dissociation. I told her my triggers and i can’t talk about shit it’s too hard for me etc. but yeah idk i tried opening up and it was just too much once again.
And i had a rough go with anxiety because of it as usual.
Today I’ve just been sleeping cuz idk, i was kinda depressed for no known reason just typical depression thoughts and wanting to stay in bed and blah blah blah. So i slept a lot. And I’m just trying to reset now and keep moving forward cuz i guess i just kinda had a bad mental health week honestly, just symptomatically it’s been hard.
I’m trying my best not to run to a benzo every time I’m anxious but only when the panic attack is so alarmingly severe that the symptoms have manifested physically and i can’t get it to subside. There are varying degrees of fear and dissociation as well that accompany the attacks and when it’s in a high degree or worse state that usual i know when it’s time to just nip it in the bud with a benzo because it surpasses what is manageable with non-pharmaceutical mechanisms.
But honestly i wish i could take them all the time because i just want to forget everything man. And i dont want to think anymore, tbh. I want my thoughts to be streamlined and go about my day naturally, flowing. Like how i am when my subconscious is split so i dont have to remember anything that happened before....
but lately it’s all “there” and its wayyyy to much and its fucking with me on soooo many levels. It’s been a lot of ups and downs and yeah just. It is by no means easy.... and I’m doing it alone. Recording things for memories sake so i have material to work with with my psych visit on the 25th.
Otherwise, i might forget. As i can feel myself resetting or slipping back into the split, forgetting state. Which is GREAT because holy fuck ive. Been wanting to! It’s torture otherwise and i can’t be happy.... with it all “there” fucking with me so it has to be this way is why I’m not resisting the sort of, internal mental distancing that can happen within myself naturally.
I’m like byeeeee past bull shit. Don’t bother me byeeee lol keep on floating away into the distance thank youuuuuuuuu thank you very much. Lol
*has a nervous breakdown*
yeah it’s just more than i can handle so this is the only way i know how ti function but I will talk about this with a therapist. Last night i was doing so poorly depression wise i was feeling like i might have to go in unit and focus on dealing with this overwhelming amount of shit that’s come up that i can’t handle/don’t know how to. Because it was causing me to have suicidal ideation and such.
But yeah, i can sort of slip out of that and then it can come back at any unknown time. Idk. So its hard to say if i need a hospitalization residentially somewhere or not. It just would be nice to take a vacation from the stress of life and sort out my shit but at the same time the idea of focusing just on my mental health might actually cause me to fucking snap its so... too much for me. Like it might just be fucking horrible.
I dont want to honk about it, basically. And it’s better, i don’t. It’s better, i forget. It’s better I stay high. And stupid.
Anyways. Um, yeah I’m... gonna talk to my psych about allllllll of this and we’ll take it from there as far as what we can do to uh, help with this situation. That’s my hope. Otherwise without that hope of like making it better or dealing with this chunk by chunk somehow, therapeutically, i feel a little bit hopeless and just wanna relapse into drugs and pure depression and give up on life
because its quite, overwhelming and unmanageable um. I call it being “in the red”... so yeah I’m just approaching that overwhelming territory again where i begin to snap from how overwhelming things get. And then i start having bizarre stress responses.
Which can be very unpredictable. I’ve learned one of the stress responses is called somatization, but, there are many which i have exhibited in the past.
Felt good to get that off my chest and recorded before i completely forget. So there we go. Done. Lol
the reason i didnt want to update is because i um, i wanted to be in denial and couldn’t face things it was giving me too much anxiety and stuff and so i had this cloud of like denial and depression and anxiety making it difficult to write in combination. But yeah i figure i better get this down before i forget, press myself to do it while I’m focused and clear headed enough to get it out.
And before i start getting worse flu symptoms and I’m not going to write at all and then forget and blah blah blah. ‘
So yeah. Got it done. Boom.
