I've been unhappy since middle school
I've never fealt what it's like to care about another person. I know I'm supposed to but I just cant seem to manage how.
People see through that. You're supposed to get excited to hang out with your friends. I have never once asked to tag along with them. So I've spent the last 10 years alone.
It used to be that I only needed my aspirations to keep me company. But now, it feels like it all matters less. I dont care about anything because I know that no matter how hard I work toward my future or making my dreams come true, it wont fix the fact that I'll harbor an empty chamber.
Things wont be different just because I have a house and I live in a new place. I wanted to think that if I took antidepressants my carefreeness would eventually dissolve. But I only become more set in stone than the past day. clearly this has more to do with a disordered personality than some clinical depression. Living in this empty plane is inherently depressing, everyone feels it on some level. So that cant be what my problem is because it doesnt affect me anymore than the next guy...I'm just disordered despite my every attempt to keep things in order to satisfy my OCD