I was left in the room alone, slouched on the office chair, with the papers in my hand and shattered hopes. About two minutes had passed when I got up and walked to the window. It was a rainy day and the window had droplets on it. Outside, everything was gray even though it was animated by cars going by and the grass was still green. It was the end of summer. I wanted this moment to last forever but I knew it wouldn't.
I crumpled the papers and threw them into the trashcan then I left the room. The office was hectic as it usually was on a Wednesday afternoon and it felt warm despite everybody wearing office clothes and keeping an overall cold attitude towards each other. You could hear people laughing randomly from time to time but nothing that would get your interest. I was walking on the corridor like a zombie staring blankly ahead while everybody else seemed to ignore me. I wanted to get to the ground floor and get some coffee and smoke a cigarette. There was a Starbucks nearby. I blacked out as soon as I called the elevator and the next thing I remember is waking up inside the Starbucks and forcing a smile at the barista. Her name was Sam. She smiled politely and asked me what I'll order. I told her I want a Grande Americano. I paid and went to the end of the counter to pick up my coffee.
I don't remember what I was thinking as I left the Starbucks but I remember how good it felt to light up my cigarette. It got me dizzy a bit and I remember trying to force my face to remain straight while I felt my pupils dilate and the cold air touching my eyeballs, staring at the rain. My ears popped when I opened my jaw wide and took a deep breath through the nose and let the air out through my mouth and let out a cough. I took another smoke from the cigarette till I filled my lungs. I closed my eyes and held it in for a bit and exhaled it resoundingly like I had asthma. I felt numb at this point. I just stood there with the cigarette in my hand and the cup of coffee in the other staring blankly at nothing waiting for the feeling of numbness to pass, though loving every nanosecond of it, almost orgasming mentally. It's the best feeling in the world. Just numb. You feel like if you'd let yourself fall and hit your head or something, it wouldn't matter. But even if you don't do it, it still doesn't matter so you don't do it cause you don't want to attract attention and have people come wake you up from your numbness. Even though you'd like to do it. Just let yourself fall and fuck cares what happens. My body's extremities were tingling and I could feel myself dying inside but fuck it felt so good. And then I woke up. I wasn't dead. I was just sitting in the rain with the cup of coffee and a cigarette in my hands. Took another smoke from the cigarette and started walking towards the office. Finished my cigarette in front of the office building, put it out in the ashtray next to the automatic doors, got into the building, walked to the elevator, got to my office and worked for the rest of the day.