Here's your background music to read to
So, i was just thinking/introspecting at work about how fast I was working for really no reason when I tried figuring out the root of my ambition. This brought me back to the very first time I started working like this, when I stopped taking breaks and sleeping for days while working 12 hour shifts. That was also the time I accepted I was done stalking and made a conscious effort to leave her alone. I've never really felt that passion before that point to improve myself. What conclusion I came to is that, the stalking drive didn't die it just shifted. I'm still affected by her, in the fact that im not improving myself for myself. It's all for her and me recklessly chasing self ambitions is my way of making myself better for her because deep down I never thought/think I was.
You'd think this realization would take the wind out of my sails so to speak, demotivate me, but the fact is it hasn't. Now that I realize what I still want and the idea that im improving myself for the 1 in 10,000 chance I'll end up back with her have instilled a higher level of confidence in me. I know I will try my best every-time when she is on the line, as opposed to just doing it for myself. It's confidence for all the wrong reasons, but took away all the negative benefits of it as well. I no longer feel the anxiety of ambition, there is no rushing feeling, it just feels like a "cold" drive and I'm more driven than ever.
I'd bring her the moon still if she told me today she needed to have it, I don't know where I'll end up in life. This drive just fuels itself from the mix of working my hardest for the lottery chance I do get her/being what I think is good enough for her, a strong need to cause self harm(which i can do through working excessively), and the constant frustration/anger of not having her is in itself a self reliant, emotional engine/cycle that's been overloading me with passion. I imagine this will be the case for quite some years.
Not that I expect the average sc person to care, but it's the reason I came to the forum was to rant about my stalking issues and this is just keeping up with an old tradition.