I'm honestly quite sick of hearing the term tossed around, 'sociopath'. It's talked about in most circles, crossed over in casual conversation as if it's a topic everyone has common knowledge of. Majority of people have their own perceptions of sociopathy, but know nothing of it. Let alone the experience of being one.
When I was 21, I started dating you with intention to manipulate you from the start. We met at a birthday party, I already knew who you were and knew you were going to be at the party, and it's the only reason I came. I'd researched you through mutual friends of ours, lightly enough to be completely inconspicuous about my curiosity about you. In fact, I made it detailedly evident that I was not interested, that I had other things on my plate so to speak. I did so without even saying it, that's how good I am at manipulation- more excellent than most. But still, I am immensely flawed in other areas, and thus it levels me out the same as everyone.
Yet, I am still a bit of a freak. Because I'm not concerned with the same things, because I'm not bothered in the same ways. I don't desire a sense of belonging, but more or less value control, and entertainment. Thus, I go for relationships. During the party I spoke to you only when you spoke to me, filling you with a bit of curiosity about me, giving short answers and leaving room for mystery. Still, I was lighter and more warm to other friends right in front of you, and thus you wanted to know more about me to receive the same validation and enjoyment everyone else was receiving. This set the ball rolling.
At this point, it's playing by ear. I thought this time it might be actually interesting (different from previous experiences for once), and maybe a bit of a challenge. I had dropped subtle reaction hints whenever a friend mentioned you, that I was interested but attempting to be secretive about it- as most people do when they have a crush. After a week I got bored with that, and I casually looped into conversation a small thought that I liked you, dishing out compliments. This made it much more obvious for the numb skull. He is a natural medlerr and I knew this about him. I could predict his exact move, which was to get you, to date me. I had him doing all my work for me. Talking me up, telling you how great I am etc. Eventually you've got my number, and you're texting me asking me for a date. I hesitate to respond, and eventually say yes. I don't make it clear that I'm interested in you what so ever.
I don't make it clear what day I am available, because of my "incredibly busy schedule", honestly I was just waiting for a day to come around when I felt like fooling with the immense overhaul of work it will be to go on a date with you. I have to wear a thick, and heavy mask. That is difficult to breathe under. So, when you recommended movies I was relieved that I could be in and out in a matter of two hours, with minimal talking. This step was more or less, allowing you to asses me, while I pretend that I'm assessing you. The truth is I already have.
I spontaneously text you, now your hopes are up waiting and waiting for a date to be confirmed. I've reacted to a few text messages the way you would like me to, and this gives you hope I might be 'the one for you.' Making you feel good about yourself, etc. I finally tell you, I can do the date today, but it'll have to be at 7 when I get out of my class. You ask me what movie, and I pick something comedic. I knew I was going to be massively bored no matter what I picked, so I figured at least this way I could get you laughing, get you comfortable, keep things light and fun.
You arrive to pick me up, and I'm standing outside. Just minutes before I chugged an entire coffee, went to the restroom and spruced myself up, took a few books out of my backpack so that I was holding something- because every actor needs a prop. And I also was chewing gum, which kind of gives you the vibe that I'm a bit easy on the sexual side in combination with the right kind of mannerisms.
I knew the people of this area fairly well, only moved there a few months before hand. I knew exactly what you believed in, what qualities you deemed attractive or appropriate, and what type of person you'd feel comfortable around. I knew that because you were a less feminine lesbian, you'd want me to be more feminine. So I wore my hair down, even though I normally never do. I sat with my legs crossed, and talked in subtly higher voice, and smiled at everything.
I formed this entire persona, in the ten minute car ride to the movies while having small talk with you. I asked questions about your car and how you got it, which led to conversation about family members, which led to conversation about disagreements between you and your father. I also asked what you do outside of, the hobby I already knew of, and what your plans for the future were with your degree. You told me quite a lot about yourself, because you were nervous due to the long waiting period leading up to this moment.
During the movie I noticed you weren't laughing at a single joke. I was a little confused why you didn't laugh. So afterword I asked you if you liked it, in a tone of voice that implied I don't think you did. You said that you loved it and found it hilarious, in a very quick response- that sounded salesman-esc.
After that we hung out frequently. I found your clinginess unusual, but figured you were developing an attachment to be because I validated your more masculine side with my feminine weakness, acting like I needed you to hold doors open for me, laughing at your jokes, releasing your stress, taking care of you and nurturing you, and so much more. And perhaps you were a little lonely, waiting to finally meet the right kind of person, the kind of person who understands you. The kind of person who listens to you without judgement.
