Guilt is the one emotion I can't kill on my own because it will manifest itself subconsciously. Dreams will be riddled with the actions I should have taken and the ways in which I could have helped someone. You know this more than anyone else. Realistically I don't think I'll ever overcome some parts of it but I hope I can come to terms with the events that unfolded in order to have some sense of peace. The dreams are really the worst though.
I think I've experienced guilt when I was a child only. Like, I would curse and then say sorry for god in out loud. After a while, I would curse and not say sorry just to see if my life would get worse. Nothing happened. After that I don't know. I think today I can honestly say, and It's going to sound cliche, but I think I only feel close to guilt when people find out, and yet, instead of guilt it's something more like " I should have done it differently. "
I have and still feel guilt. Maturity has distilled it into being of proper proportion to its source. It can look like rationalizing in order to justify away the guilt, but I try to give a moment to reflect upon it when I think it deserves introspection. I have had to the role of "villain" many times, but it is usually a means to better end once all reflexive resistance has run its course. I don't like having to take the role, but it's nearly always met with meaningful success.
Allow me to share a couple poems fairly relevant to this... (I don't like getting this personal, but I feel it has merit here.)
I could be your weakness
The kind you fight to get strong
You're right and I'm wrong
I'll be a challenge to meet
A villain to defeat
A bad habit to break
Just another mistake
A time in your life that went on
For much too long
Since there was nowhere for me to go
It was up to you to go away, so
You can blame today for tomorrow
But I want you to know
That the only thing in your way
Was you
And I was the one that let you go
----------------------------
I want to hide
From those eyes
Younger than mine
That shine with innocence
Accepting lies for truth
Who am I
That those eyes
Rely on my right and wrong
Trying to save them early on
From a world they'll find
Turned unkind
Pain isn't gentle
Strife pollutes inside
Hope turns toxic
Love taints judgment
How will they survive?
Truth begs for lies
So kill those eyes
Before they die
Guilty as hell, but just can't seem to stop myself. Part of my inability to control my impulses, complete lack of insight and overall bloated sense of entitlement. Surely I will burn in hell as the devils fave tranny fuccboi for all eternity. Unless, I repent, which I really don't see myself doing.
Guilt leads to regret and genuine regret is my worst fear. I feel like someone put something heavy and cold in my chest, I simultaneously hate and scold myself while also feeling like receiving such a scolding from my conscious is entirely deserved, even desired in a harsh severity so that I can feel I reached some level of atonement. This goes beyond just an over critical conscious, physical pain at times is needed to reach the atonement which I do through workouts, sleep deprivation and engaging in needlessly selfless acts for other people. If the instance of guilt is strong enough, all 3 methods and then some will be used
Turncoat stated: source post
Guilt feels like failure and failure feels like guilt.
How much that it affects me depends on the level of investment that was applied to the source.
Failure... When I fuck something up through accidental means I get angry. There is no remorse, no regret, and the only thing I'm sorry about is I failed. No guilt. This is ego driven and the only possibly guilt I could feel would be the guilt of tarnishing my perfect efforts. Feeling sorry for the accidental destruction caused is something altogether different... and I don't think I have ever felt that. I have seen others feel it (or at least the actions they have while feeling what they say and I agree to be guilt). I have seen what guilt can do, both good and bad. Don't want any part of it...
Failure...is that inevitable option by no accident of my own, but one that I firmly blame on pretty much everyone else. That lack of their remorse and regret makes me sorry I was born from their loins. They feel no guilt at my inconsequence. I suppose the bloated ego precludes both of our lack of guilt but first denial , the smelly cheese of my real self , cannot destroy the accident of my scent left to shock and awe those that waft in along from behind me..and I don't think they will ever forget that particular pungence. I have seen the wrinkled noses ( and the nausea induced and agree that is their fault) I have seen what my denial of personal culpability is capable of and firmly place the burden of it , both good and bad on the rest of humanity. I don't want any part of it...