If I somehow end up with something like friendship, I tend to sabotage them in one way or another. Usually because I feel they've become too close or there's a sense of rejection- imaginary at times
Its a trapped feeling and a great relief when they leave with a smugness that I was right a sort of numb coldness swirling in your chest and blissful days of nothing
Alrighty...
My friends are the people who can cope with my bollocks or have even taught themselves to perceive them as dog's bollocks through the years.
For instance, when a friend left to the lavatory for a minute or so I chugged approximately half of his vodka liquor. To this day I can not provide an answer as to why. Still, I would have bought him a new one had he asked and I did suffer from an upset tummy later that evening...
On a brighter side we used to share cigarettes to save up some cash and because I only smoked at the parties, so there was no need for me to carry them, let alone helped me avoid accidental encounter with my parents had I had them and they found out. To him it was a nice gesture from me, sort of a "bro thing". Also, he was the main initiator of party business and had various connections (DJ's, bouncers and such), thus he was a useful asset albeit I was pouty at first when he joined the gang.
I used to greet another chap by referring to him as "my midget hairy friend" courtesy of his height (~5'6, if my memory serves me well), lush facial and lengthy head hair. He'd respond with "no I'm mr Awesome", I'd then say "for your height yes"; "fuck you"; "sorry not interested in circus experience". It would continue until the point of him starting to be really irked as he's rather sensitive about his image. Then I would pat his head and say something like "chin up buddy, you know I'm just joking. Besides, I prefer maintaining eye contact when I speak". On a flip side, he is my friend since kindergarten and he pokes me sometimes too. BFF behavior?
The same mr Awesome was crushing on this girl and one day asked me for advice. I had watched "The Tuxedo" (2002) not long before that happened and in the ending the main protagonist, played by Jackie Chan, messed up with the girl due to a "premature I love you". Guess what my advice was?.. Later they were walking out of school in the rain under her umbrella whilst talking. Quite a lovely scene it was until they parted. Later that day she kept ringing my Skype talking how he will never get close enough to her to smell her's [insert brand] perfume and so on. Point is that she was crushing on me and he was the third wheel when we hung around the block, not me. I mean, for instance we talked about the skirt sizes and I said no more than 5'9. She asked if I had a ruler, then measured and rolled her skirt up to that length whilst laughing and calling me naughty. Not sure if this counts as a dick move though, since I saved him quite some time of being a helpless romantic.
There was a time in my late teens when I acted like a mean bitch to most people, all the while eating chips, staying up for long periods of time, drinking lots carbonated beverages to keep me awake. It escalated to the point of a choir of girls shouting my name in disapproval when I would say something during the lesson, etc. If one became too pouty I would inquire if she's on those days of the month and politely offer a bar of chocolate (also keeps one awake, so I packed some). None took it...
One teacher once remarked how she's baffled that a whole class can not manage one Mee. But what could they do? Exclude me from a group I had never considered being a part of? Call me names just to have me laugh or stare at them with a smug grin, maybe bicker back if I felt like it? Surprisingly people liked me nonetheless, as they were hugging me in clubs and so on.
I changed dramatically in the uni as I became much uptight and restricted myself to some occasional pokes and stirring some discussions had some student decided to badmouth a lecturer, etc.
As far as family is concerned, my parents were at each other's throats quite often so one day when my mother was hyper reactive I remarked to my father that she acts like she's been in some feminists meeting or something, then told her how he's being unreasonable and it escalated; was sent to him a few times because "maybe he'd listen to me". Also phoned my grandparents a few times to complain. So, basically, if my mum would come to me to rant about something, my father would soon step in and they would then take it to another room; sometimes the mentioned grandparents also took part; leaving me free to do whatever I fancy.
Divorce was not an option because a significant portion of the flat belonged to my grandparents, which was done when my father went to jail (not for long) and they were fully on my side, which was against such an affair as I could not see myself living with either of the nurturers and the flat was located in a strategically beneficial place.
Do not scold me much though. Mum was this needy 'superior' being with temper issues partly influenced due to her thyroid gland malfunction and nurture. She would pick on anything really. E.g., she was extremely against any restaurants and if you went to one and she found out, an argument awaited; all the while she would go out with her friends any chance she had. Any complaint about her cooking (she does it alright though when she does not try to force you eat something she knows you can not stand and then throws a tantrum) was met with "shush and eat, not your birthday". Had she overslept or was too lazy to do some chores, suddenly someone else had to do it and again "bad bad Mee!"...
My dad made more money when her doing the Devil knows what, but still she found a reason to complain that she had nothing to tell to her friends ever since he stopped being a doctor and had no official job aside of some business permit.
Still, I was perceived as a smart boy, thus I was never obligated from taking part in any activity unless it was a punishment. Coupled with the situation at home I was more or less on my own since middle school. Earlier we got along better as there was no motive to pressure me.
These days I'm not as much of a trouble, however, partly because I am not burdened by a forced social interaction and stick with the mentioned friends to whom I am used to. In the uni I tend to keep things to myself and just read notes in some quite place or chill, unless there's people around, then read one of the above paragraphs again for a presentation of an occasional approach.
Can't say I feel bad about these things though, aside of the vodka drinking because, like I have mentioned before, I have little understanding why I did that as alcohol is not tasty nor particularly effective for me.
So here's that.
That's a big text hahahahaha. But as far as I could perceive, you are actually a pretty funny hangout type of person. I mean, a good friend you would be. If you told me today face to face exactly what you wrote there, I would not see you as a bad person at all. Actually, I think most people have done similar things to that. But I liked that you shared your experience. I will share one because you really put effort to it.
When I was in my young 20's, the first experience that I noticed AFTER that was really wrong, was an after party with friends. We drank a lot, and on the next morning we were still kind of light headed and drunk. We grabbed the baby gun and started shooting moving targets ( birds ).
My friend got one bird, but when he hit the ground, he was still alive. We were 4. At the beginning this really close friend of mine who is until this day, started petting the head of the bird and doing some funny noises ( he was doing an impersonation of Chris Tucker like he was the bird ), and we all laughed. Then, things took a twist, because we were doing a barbecue. He picked the alcohol bottle used to light up the barbecue place, and threw at the bird. Then, he lit it up. Before you guys say I am a sadist and whatever, I did not felt any pleasure but also no remorse on watching it. Actually, this friend of mine made such a good impersonation as Chris Tucker that it was funny. Not the animal being burned, but I was paying more attention to his joke than to the bird rolling around before dying on the spot. After this day, I noticed that my morals were fucked up. He still the best Chris Tucker impersonator I've saw.
We did never ever repeated this. I think we were drunk and the pack mentality was in play. Everyone laughed and enjoyed that moment. Myself, I enjoyed the joke, I think he liked the fact that the bird was on fire. But, I still enjoy hunting with my BB gun, and birds as targets, but since I am not a good shot, I rarely do it.
And no, I do not hurt any other kind of animals. I actually enjoy a lot dogs and cats. I find they very beautiful.
Before calling names, you are free to ask anything. Just please, do not read the life just as BLACK and WHITE, there are shades to it.
Shudder Hug stated: source post
If I somehow end up with something like friendship, I tend to sabotage them in one way or another. Usually because I feel they've become too close or there's a sense of rejection- imaginary at times
Its a trapped feeling and a great relief when they leave with a smugness that I was right a sort of numb coldness swirling in your chest and blissful days of nothing
I usually sabotage new friendships, not because I want, I just fuck up every time big time. My I keep my old and loyal for years and years, because they know me for who I am and learned to cope that. So we can hang out, drink together, go catch girls together.
Hi, have you ever done something that you consider bad ?
Bad, yes, a couple of times, but I am so good I never get caught. Horrifically bad? No, but I've done some things that I regret. Who hasn't? Even downloading a song without permission is considered illegal. You don't see people going to jail for that though. It depends on what your definition of bad is. Something bad is something that is not good, the opposite of good, a word kids can say. When 2 people share feelings for eachother. Rock n' Roll. Videogames and TV. Anyone younger than me. A good deed without any expectation of reward. Music that stirs my imagination. A big mess of time.
Why did you ask? Who are you working for? I haven't killed anyone.
Hahahahaha do not be paranoid my friend. I even shared one experience of mine that so far for me was the worst in the topic. Hardly I will see something worse than mine, but the curiosity to see what others are able to do it, brings curiosity.