So turns out, I do struggle with empathy and attachment, as well as other areas like respect for authority and behavior misconduct (manipulation and honesty). I'm just all around, a pretty shit person. I don't have the typical "do whatever you want because nothing means anything" mentality, I care so little that even that phrase seems irrelevant (and ignorant) to me. Meaning and motivation for life (and living within it's boundaries) takes many shapes and forms, and is more of a personal opinion than it is fact. However, I'm personally indifferent to living up to standards. I'm not concerned with exercising free will or achieving perfect happiness, belonging, or self actualization. I'm more interested in very simple personal goals, and will work within the constraints of society for the sake of achieving them. But I've been getting a lot of closure regarding, making things more simple for my life. I used to struggle with the side effects of PTSD. While going through the trauma I was depressed. I could go on for a while about how truly pathetic it was. But that's just it. Eventually the side effects grew into different areas of my life- OCD tendencies and commitment issues, as well as anger management issues, and substance abuse. I destroyed any and all relationships I had, and made it their fault. Then I moved somewhere else, and did it a second time. And then moved somewhere else, and did it a third time. I got in the habit of sabotaging my own life, and it was all because I was getting wrapped up in how complicated I was making everything (and cynicism had a strong hold in my life). Believing that I was pathetic was a huge part of the problem. Believe life sucked and wasn't worth living was a huge part of the problem. So I let go of it. First and foremost, the substances had to go. During that process I confronted everything that was wrong with my own mentalities and life style choices. From there I became, a bit different. There were natural side effects of changing my life in a positive way, which only made it more positive. I dealt with confrontation better, I was more patient in relationships, I was not as morally inept when it came to cheating and lying, I became honest with people I was close to and was able to better connect to them, I didn't look like was 'spaced out' all the time anymore. As a result of that sleeping in bed all day and drinking all night, became less and less comfortable, until I no longer desired it over other things that were more rewarding. A big part of it was just making life less complicated. A lot of what I thought mattered, didn't. It just doesn't. If something is holding me back- now I always consider how much that thing really matters. I guess I learned to be as indifferent as I am about life, about expending relentless effort. Not sure where I learned it, but it was somewhere between putting the bottle down, and scrubbing the tile floor of a rehab facility.
There may be a day where, I can't get up, or I'm too weak to follow through with my own commitments. There may even be a day I end up back in rehab. But it's perfectly okay. It's better to try and try again, rather than to be continually failing. And those are just the options. And that is just my opinion. But I've seen enough proof to believe it like fact.