I put unesscary , harmful handicaps on myself and then set high expectations. Self destruction to aid self improvement.
Systematic stated: source post
Like this. I want to see it coming. I want to know its imminent and inevitable but still fight it anyways just to see how far I can get. I want it to be painful, I want it to discourage me from living and I want to see how far I'll push myself when I have nothing left. Then I want some solitary time to review over my life and make the final judgement on whether I lived a good, happy life.
Systematic stated: source post
I just want to die hard for something or someone that makes me happy.
This shows it only somewhat, but in person you've given it much scarier depth than this.
You're a death seeker Syst, and I see potential for it to grow into something scarier if given the means. You glorify your own destruction, self improving for the sake of a larger explosion at the end. It's all justification for your own expiration.
I have a tendency to procrastinate and walk away from things on a dime. I suppose that is a form of self destruction.
But so as to provoke pity from others? Never. I see through this type of behavior, and I find it repulsively weak.
A person who victimizes themselves so as to garner sympathy or attention will only ever earn my contempt. It is not something I would ever do. The world could be burning down around me, but I will always be just fine.
Is this a tendency you indulge, Ana?
You have the idea in the right general area but you need to take a step back. I have some pretty severe protective complexes, but why is that and what do you think being protective does for me?
My passion and zeal for self improvement is an engine of insecurity. If helping people and bringing them up didn't tear me down in the process, I wouldn't be this way, I would t enjoy it. Essentially the process I've noticed over the years has been
Insecurity -> Self blame -> Self guilt -> Self destruction -> Self improvement(which just enables more self destruction by repeating the process).
Im going to have an unhealthy passion for anything that wears me down as I've found out. Might as well have other people benefit from it. Even my morality is only as rigid and excessively defined as it is because it limits me. My morals are shallow in their core reasoning, they're comparative to a weighted vest on a masochistic athlete.
I realize I do all this because deep down I must hate myself and I hate myself because I'm insecure about not fitting up to that voice in the back of my head that has always been telling me "you can do better"
Its times like this that make me wonder if the covert narcissism was largely responsible for stalking in the first place. Or if stalking simply gave me a taste for it.
No, I strongly dislike pity but I will be self destructive. I hate pity so much that I will purposefully separate myself from people entirely just so I don't have to hear it. Yes, I see the irony in this statement but none of you know me in person so why not be honest?
Self destruction can be productive for me in some ways. If a task is too easy in my mind then why not create a hurdle to make it interesting?
I'm seeking my own potential, as warped as it sounds. Compartively I see my life as a tower, I just want to build it as high as I can before watching it all fall down. I realize how demented it is but it's something I'm actively craving and it's the one thing I truly have passion for, self improvement. I just want to see the results of years of improvement one day.