good for you, better living by chemistry
8
posts
Happiness in general for some reason makes me uncomfortable. I see it as me lowering my guard and opening myself to making mistakes, lowering my perception, and making myself less prepared for the next tragedy.
I don't get happy beyond a fleeting stimulation, but if it lasts longer than expected something stops it from continuing, an awkward discomfort based around fear. Once that happens, I can't get it back...
...other than the time I took adderall for a week. That time was a manic rollercoaster that only haunted me in hindsight, magnifying that fear after the fact. It was... different, and even with some fun stories coming out of it the happiness was way too unhinged for my liking.
Mania. Talking to myself out loud. Rapid Speech. Risk taking with no fear of consequence. Fully allowing the delusions, magical thinking, the crazy to happen, but enjoying them instead of worrying over them. I did a lot of crazy things during that time, some surprising me from the successes while others scaring me in hindsight. I didn't bother filtering any of it out, I was just this thing with no self control.
It wasn't pretty, but I was backed into a corner and needed that to not fail out of college. It felt good, too good, but it wasn't good for me. I can't let myself be that out of control or I'll potentially lose everything.
8
posts